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Old 03-03-2008, 02:30 PM   #1301
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A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. You see, the reason for this is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, D.C.

Any Questions?
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Old 03-04-2008, 10:22 PM   #1302
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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No, but I would sure like to...' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night...' we went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom, you still awake?
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:08 PM   #1303
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Your Driver's License Tells It All.....


A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'
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Old 03-06-2008, 10:37 PM   #1304
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Heard this yesterday on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson:

"You know that supermodel, Heidi Klum, who is married to the singer, Seal?

She met him one night while she was out CLUBBING."

Oh, it's a bit of a groaner, but at 12:45 in the morning, I thought it was funny!
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Old 03-07-2008, 08:58 AM   #1305
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and used them.

Her friend however was wearing rather expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop!

I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'.
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Old 03-07-2008, 05:53 PM   #1306
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Achiever51 View Post
Heard this yesterday on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
We really like Craig F. He's a lot funnier than Leno. Letterman is not funny and mean. Conan is immature AND not funny.

The Late Late Show is a lot funnier at 8 pm (thanks Tivo).

Mike D.
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Old 03-09-2008, 08:34 PM   #1307
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IF ONLY I HAD THE CHANCE TO LIVE MY LIFE BACKWARDS

  • I would start out dead to get it out of the way
  • Then I'd wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day and remember more and more people
  • Then I would get kicked out for being too healthy
  • I'd enjoy my retirement and collect my pension
  • Then, when I started work I would get a gold watch on my first day
  • I'd work for 45 years or so until I was too young to work
  • I'd get ready for college or Uni, party, drink alcohol and generally be promiscuous
  • Then I'd go to school then primary school, become a kid, play every day with NO responsibilities
  • Then I would become a baby and spend about 9 months floating peacfully in luxury, in Spa-Like conditions, central heating, room service on tap
and then.....
  • I would finish it off as an orgasm
Now HOW cool is THAT
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Old 03-10-2008, 01:07 PM   #1308
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Purina Dog Food
The next time someone asks you a dumb question
wouldn't you like t o respond like this?

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had,
an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do,
on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up
in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive
care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a
curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us
both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a
heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there
anymore.
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Old 03-10-2008, 02:50 PM   #1309
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Give me a forum ...
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A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"


She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
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Old 03-11-2008, 03:11 PM   #1310
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Old 03-11-2008, 07:36 PM   #1311
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One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight-Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O' , and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O' . They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's p***y doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
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Old 03-11-2008, 07:37 PM   #1312
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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're BSing me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."
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Old 03-12-2008, 07:51 AM   #1313
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98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."
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Old 03-13-2008, 09:56 AM   #1314
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With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following, "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
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Old 03-16-2008, 03:54 PM   #1315
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How to use the rebate:

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatamala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
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Old 03-17-2008, 02:11 PM   #1316
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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away,' said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money, I'm broke!' As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this m orning. What par t of broke do you not understand?
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Old 03-17-2008, 08:53 PM   #1317
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"Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."

I laughed hard at this one about when are you getting married.
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Old 03-18-2008, 10:15 AM   #1318
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RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling - -
REFUND, You would have had $214.00.
So, based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
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Marshmallow Peeps relaxing
Old 03-18-2008, 12:50 PM   #1319
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Marshmallow Peeps relaxing

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Chelsea Lately
Old 03-18-2008, 05:02 PM   #1320
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Chelsea Lately

Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeD View Post
We really like Craig F. He's a lot funnier than Leno. Letterman is not funny and mean. Conan is immature AND not funny.

The Late Late Show is a lot funnier at 8 pm (thanks Tivo).

Mike D.
You want funny.

Chelsea Lately (starring Comedian Chelsea Handler) on E (Entertainment Network) 11:30 pm EST

Only a half hour but it is great...

AND she's pretty hot..

W
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