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Old 03-18-2008, 07:27 PM   #1321
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Old 03-22-2008, 12:16 AM   #1322
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Old 03-23-2008, 04:09 PM   #1323
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The Tonight Show

Jay Leno: Another big problem for Barack Obama this Easter Sunday... where's he gonna go to church?

Late Show

David Letterman: George Bush earlier today reassured the country about the economy. He said, "I'm on top of it." George W. Bush, our president said, "I'm on top of it." I said to myself, "well, that's good enough for me."

The Tonight Show

Leno: And Barack Obama, apparently trying to distance himself from his church. And today, Mitt Romney said, "Hey good luck with that! Let me know how that works out for you!"

Late Show

Letterman: Are you folks excited about March Madness? You know, here is how it works. We go from 65, to 32, to 16 and then to 8 and ... well, no, no. Those are Hillary Clinton's superdelgates.

Late Night

Conan O'Brien: It was reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service name is "Renegade," while Hillary Clinton's is "Evergreen." That's true, yeah. Meanwhile, John McCain's Secret Service name is "Enlarged Prostate."

Real Time

Bill Maher: On YouTube, the Obama speech is now getting watched more than the clips of the pastor in the dashiki. The bad news is that it's still far behind the footage of Spitzer's hooker on "Girls Gone Wild."
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Man's Best Friend
Old 03-23-2008, 04:15 PM   #1324
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Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend.


If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.


Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.


When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
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Old 03-23-2008, 10:52 PM   #1325
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A dog is truly a man's best friend.


If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.


Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.


When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
LOL
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Old 03-24-2008, 02:40 PM   #1326
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Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy, but i doubt that's correct. About 4/5 of the statements are right on the money though!
The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy:

1. You know the state flower (Mildew).

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement 'sun break' and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant o r to church.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the 'WALK' Signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks,
Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.

10 . You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim,
Puyallup, Haceta, Yaquina, Yachats, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.

12.. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by 'Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,' and 'Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers.'

17.You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

18. You know th at Boring is a town in
Oregon and not just a state of mind.

19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

20. You notice, 'The mountain is out' when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking Boots and parka.

22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

25. You buy new sunglasses every year, be cause you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.

26. You measure distance in hours.

27. You often switch from 'heat' to 'a/c' in the same day.

28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Cons truction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).

30. You understood these jokes and will probably forward them



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Old 03-24-2008, 06:46 PM   #1327
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These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!




1 Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.


2. I would not allow this student to breed.


3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.


4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an 'idiot'.


5.Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.


6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.


7. This child has been working with glue too much.


8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.


9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.


10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.


11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.


12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.


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Fishing in the South
Old 03-28-2008, 10:36 AM   #1328
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Fishing in the South

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah.. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.' said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
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Old 03-28-2008, 03:36 PM   #1329
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Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together..

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

I think this will work with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Cartravel27.jpg (16.0 KB, 499 views)
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Old 03-31-2008, 09:00 PM   #1330
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What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around" said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. . .

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A) Almost Boobs...

(B) Barely there...

(C) Can't Complain...

(D) Dang!...

(DD) Double dang!...

(E) Enormous!...

(F) Fake...

(G) Get a Reduction...

(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...
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Heeeeeere's Johnnny!!!
Old 04-03-2008, 12:07 PM   #1331
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Heeeeeere's Johnnny!!!

Former President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he
visits, one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings. The
teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the
discussion of the word, "tragedy."

So our ex-President asks the class for an example of the word "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next
door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and
runs him over, that would be a tragedy."?
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Former President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who
can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Little Johnny raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was
struck by a missile and blown to pieces, that would be a tragedy.?"
"Fantastic", exclaims Mr. Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Little Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident,
and it damn sure wouldn't be a great loss."
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Old 04-05-2008, 11:42 AM   #1332
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A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you
feel you deserve a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.The
first is that I iron better than you do."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I do?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
1:30 Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you are."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you are a better cook?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you are."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that, as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
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Not necessarily a joke but...
Old 04-06-2008, 12:24 PM   #1333
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Not necessarily a joke but...

The following are all legitimate companies, I am told, that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online domain name might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up, or so my source says. Check them out...

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: Contact Celebrity Agents Lawyers Managers and Publicists - WhoRepresents?com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: Welcome to Pen Island! The best pens on the internet!

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at: California Therapists at TherapistFinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com .

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always: ipanywhere.com .

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is: www.cummingfirst.com .

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site: Speed of Art. Website of Nigel Talamo .
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Old 04-09-2008, 10:59 AM   #1334
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I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Old 04-09-2008, 12:06 PM   #1335
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It seems everyone is worried about gay marriage or they are afraid that some homosexual is going to recruit them.
Seriously? Did anyone ever receive a call after high school from a gay recruiter?
Just me?
Fine, let me tell you what happened. The guy called me up and explained the benefits of homosexuality to me.
I told him that, as a heterosexual, I don’t want to make a full-time commitment to homosexuality. So he talked me into joining the reserves.
All I had to do was be gay for one weekend a month and two weeks out of the year, and I really needed the college money.
It was a sweet deal until they decided to “activate my unit”.
I really don’t talk about what happened much, but I will say this…I saw a lot of good men go down.
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Old 04-09-2008, 02:51 PM   #1336
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I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
LOL
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Old 04-09-2008, 04:57 PM   #1337
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Three Things to Ponder: (but do we really want to add to our aggravation?)


1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments



COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?

And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow.



THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.




THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,'

and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...

It creates a hostile work environment.
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The Waiting Room
Old 04-12-2008, 05:58 PM   #1338
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The Waiting Room

The Waiting Room

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
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Old 04-14-2008, 06:53 PM   #1339
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CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
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Old 04-15-2008, 08:59 AM   #1340
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Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
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