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Old 04-20-2008, 11:16 AM   #1361
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I thought this pretty funny...and I am even a Republican!

A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work."
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Old 04-21-2008, 10:43 AM   #1362
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NOW THIS IS SWEET!
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you
have forgiven your enemies?' 80% held up their hands. The Minister then
repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small
elderly lady. 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how
a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'
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Old 04-24-2008, 10:44 AM   #1363
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes.

"WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000.
Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

"WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.

"MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000.

"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

"WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.

"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.

"WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too.

"The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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Old 04-25-2008, 07:00 PM   #1364
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Three old men were talking about morning routines.

The first said, "I have it so bad. I get up at 7AM every morning and go into the bathroom and pray to be able to pee. I'm lucky to get a few drops."

"That's nothing," said the second. "I get up at 6Am every morning to go to the bathroom, and I strain and strain. If I'm lucky I actually produce something."

"You guys are lucky," says the third. "Every morning at 9AM I take a huge piss and dump."

"How is that bad?" Asked the first two.

"Because I don't get out of bed until 11AM."
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Old 04-28-2008, 11:15 AM   #1365
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Need a stupid neighbor to move? The solution is really easy.

Tell them 75% of all accidents occur within 20 miles from home. If they are stupid enough, they will move.

Rumor has it someone sent this to Hillary Clinton, so she decided to move from NY to Washington.
If someone promises to send this to GW at the White house, I will not stop you.
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Old 04-29-2008, 03:06 PM   #1366
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pics- do these show up?
Attached Images
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Old 04-29-2008, 03:07 PM   #1367
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jIMOh View Post
pics- do these show up?
no,well I can click on them to view
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Old 04-29-2008, 03:08 PM   #1368
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more pics

cannot display in line
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Why boys need parents...
Old 04-29-2008, 03:10 PM   #1369
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Why boys need parents...

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6 .) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) 'Play dough' and 'microwave' should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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Old 04-29-2008, 06:12 PM   #1370
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jIMOh View Post
pics- do these show up?
No.

And my laptop doesn't know how to view them.
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Old 04-29-2008, 07:27 PM   #1371
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they all opened with MS Paint for me
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Old 05-02-2008, 05:46 PM   #1372
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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do basic computer tech support."
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to do computer programming.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Boss."
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Irish Diet
Old 05-04-2008, 03:49 AM   #1373
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Irish Diet

Click for full size - Uploaded with plasq's Skitch


An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'







.
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Old 05-04-2008, 12:35 PM   #1374
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Proving once again that diet and exercise are better than diet alone!

Which reminds me of an Irish urban legend from the 1950s.......

Miss Mary Murphy was admitted to the Rotunda Hospital in Dublin, heavily pregnant and in heart failure. She had had rheumatic heart disease in childhood and each pregnancy had worsened her heart condition. At that time single parenthood was seriously frowned upon and very uncommon in Ireland. The intern who admitted Miss Murphy mustered his courage to ask her why she and Mr. O'Sullivan, the father of all the children, had never tied the knot. She replied that in her teens she had been warned that marriage could seriously compromise her health and she should avoid it at all costs.

Which only goes to show you should say what you mean......
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World History
Old 05-04-2008, 04:44 PM   #1375
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World History

For those of you who missed World History in school....



Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers.

They lived on deer, elk, bear, and other wild animals in the mountains during
the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the discovery of grain and
the invention of the wheel.

Once grain was available, it led immediately to the discovery of beer.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer more quickly.

These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst
for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1) Liberals, and 2) Conservatives.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early
humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed
close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while
they were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement.

Other men -- who were weaker and less skilled at hunting -- learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing,
fetching, hair dressing, and dancing around the fire.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. (Some of these Liberal men
eventually evolved into women.

The rest became known as girlie-men .)

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to
decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful
land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with a slice of lime), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well
done.

Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting
evolutionary side note: most Liberal women have higher testosterone levels and
hairier legs than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood , and group therapists are liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't fair
to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their
women.

Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction
workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
athletes, Sailors, Soldiers, Marines, and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies try to hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide
what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most
of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America .

These Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond
to the above before forwarding it; this is because he is more feminine and
touchier than a conservative.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of
this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and
to more Liberals just to tick them off.

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Old 05-04-2008, 06:33 PM   #1376
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Doesn't this belong in the political (Soap Box forum)? You've got it in the joke thread.
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:47 PM   #1377
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Quote:
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Doesn't this belong in the political (Soap Box forum)? You've got it in the joke thread.
Do I have this one in the correct place?

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Old 05-04-2008, 08:13 PM   #1378
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Ah someone could tell you where it belongs. Then it might not be politically correct.

God Bless
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Old 05-06-2008, 03:23 PM   #1379
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A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.

She did this several times and her neighbor who was watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I’m just working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
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Old 05-06-2008, 03:25 PM   #1380
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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies:

"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
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