Its funny joke Thursday!

[JPatrick]

Originally Posted by TromboneAl

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... Whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig.

Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it! And then he did the same thing with a peanut!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he pre-measures his food."

I agree, that was a great joke.
However, did you hear about the guy who took his monkey to the local "BOWLING ALLEY?"* Aw, never mind, it's just an "expanded" version of Al's joke.

[MJ]

Originally Posted by JPatrick

I agree, that was a great joke.
However, did you hear about the guy who took his monkey to the local "BOWLING ALLEY?" Aw, never mind, it's just an "expanded" version of Al's joke.

To quote the monkey, "that deserve a catastrophic ouch"

[REWahoo]

A study conducted by the Harvard Department of Pschiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on what phase she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is pre-menstrual or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his rear while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

[Martha]

I'm 50 years old, it's hot in here, and REWahoo is looking might fine to me.

[Nords]

From Walt Disney's "Mary Poppins" files:

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.

With his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.

This made him: a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

[JPatrick]

Pretty good, but can you say it in pidgin?

[REWahoo]

Celebrity Quotes:

1. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." -- Sharon Stone

2. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods

3. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson

4. "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

5. "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert De Niro

[Eagle43]

These should help those of us who've retired, and comfort those who haven't.

For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations. Which is your favorite??

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's been working with glue too much."

14. "He would argue with a signpost."

15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

[Nords]

Originally Posted by Eagle43

These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations.

"This officer has used my warship as a taxi to haul his alcoholic thirst and his genitals from one port to the next."

Now I'm gonna have to look up the rest of those British Navy fitness reports.

[Eagle43]

Originally Posted by Nords

"This officer has used my warship as a taxi to haul his alcoholic thirst and his genitals from one port to the next."

Now I'm gonna have to look up the rest of those British Navy fitness reports.

Now that is funny!

[Jarhead*]

Originally Posted by Nords

"This officer has used my warship as a taxi to haul his alcoholic thirst and his genitals from one port to the next."

Nords: That's a pretty good descriiption of the lions share of Naval folks that I came in contact with (Oh -hit, the fleets in, the prices of everything goes up.

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answered, "That's easy. We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman said, "Well, uh, that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair, and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responded, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and, in a very testy voice, asked, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman was surprised and speechless because he really didn't know himself if the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file on his computer, and returned with a beaming smile. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied, "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[REWahoo]

A politician dies, his soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middlle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of an oppressively hot, barren landscape covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up trash and putting it in black bags.

The devil comes over to him and hands him a trash bag.

"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......

Today you voted"

[brewer12345]

Reminds me about the joke about Heaven and Hell:

In Hell, the kegs have holes and the women don't...

[Nords]

George W. Bush not only smiles and waves nicely, he always knows the right thing to say, too!

Once Bush & the Queen met at London's Heathrow airport. A 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and other islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

[nuisance]

A guy wakes up in the middle of the night to some noise coming from his shed. Listening closely, it's clear that some burglars are in there so he calls the police.
"There are some burglars in my shed. Please send over a policeman right away."
"It's a very busy night, but I'll try to get somebody over there soon."
After a few minutes still no police have arrived, and the man is getting kind of annoyed. He calls the police again.
"I called a few minutes ago about the burglars. Well, it's not a problem any more. I just shot them."
30 seconds later the first police car arrives, followed by several more in the next minute. The burglars are arrested and one of the cops asks him (somewhat annoyed): "I thought you said you'd shot the guys?" Whereupon the man replies, "I thought it's a very busy night."

Tim

[dory36]

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after s/he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

[Gonzo]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like" she growls with frustration?
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a police officer."

[Nords]

I'm going to miss the next two Thursdays.* I hope these will get everyone through until I'm back...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
" Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.* One said to the other: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."* The other replied:* "I don't believe you."* The first one exclaimed:* "It's true, no bull!"

9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Ba-dump-bump *CLANG*... Thanks, folks, I'll be back on the 4th!

[Danny]

Michael: Those are the worst jokes I have ever heard in my life, Nords...
Samir: Yes, yes, they are horrible... these jokes....