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Old 05-07-2008, 07:27 PM   #1381
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A 5 year old's first job...

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars . The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f_ckin' sheet rock!"
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Old 05-07-2008, 09:17 PM   #1382
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I'd like to have a beer with whoever put this up. I don't know why I find it so funny.

catfound001.jpg
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American response to Chinese Technology
Old 05-08-2008, 09:42 AM   #1383
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American response to Chinese Technology

On Monday, the Chinese government reported that they had succcesfully engineered the birth of a man with three eyes.


On Tuesday, Lenscrafters announced that they could make him a pair of glasses in about an hour and a half....
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Old 05-08-2008, 02:50 PM   #1384
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Originally Posted by samclem View Post
I'd like to have a beer with whoever put this up. I don't know why I find it so funny.
Attachment 3595
Reminds me of this in the Washington DC area:
washingtonpost.com
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Old 05-08-2008, 06:25 PM   #1385
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Reminds me of this in the Washington DC area
I live in the DC area too and saw this story. It reminded me of a time I was volunteering at an adoption event for rescused cats at the local PetSmart and someone came in with a basket of rescued "kittens". When we looked at them we realized they were baby bunnies! The folks who brought them in were astonished, but still committed to rescusing them. Luckily, someone there was familiar with rabbits and gave them instructions on how to feed and care for baby bunnies. Lesson learned: people in the DC area are not always the smartest but are sometimes the kindest. I guess this could be said for just about any place.
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Old 05-09-2008, 11:40 AM   #1386
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Heh, I want to know how they managed to get close enough to the found "kitty" to determine its sex.
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Old 05-10-2008, 08:54 PM   #1387
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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: ' So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.



'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'
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The talking ostrich
Old 05-12-2008, 08:10 PM   #1388
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The talking ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
& nbsp;
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."& amp; lt; / PAN S>

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Roy ce, the exa ct money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Old 05-13-2008, 02:13 PM   #1389
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Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and would not be allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam required them to fill in the blanks.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
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Old 05-13-2008, 02:19 PM   #1390
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A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
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Old 05-13-2008, 02:21 PM   #1391
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A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
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Old 05-14-2008, 12:36 PM   #1392
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good one
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Old 05-19-2008, 12:29 PM   #1393
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THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cup cakes for a so cial function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails manicured and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings
But never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7 :00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to k now all of the following information: each child's
birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called Mother!
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Old 05-21-2008, 07:36 PM   #1394
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A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American.
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Old 05-22-2008, 11:42 AM   #1395
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One day, a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.

"Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.

"No," she said.

A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous.

"Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.

"No," she said again.

A few minutes later, she came back and told him the toilet was backed up.

"Does it say 'plumber' anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.

"No," she replied.

A couple of days later he went on a business trip.

When he came back he asked how things had been.

"Well," she said, "our neighbor down the street came over and fixed our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes."

"What did he ask for in payment?" he wondered.

"All he asked for was a chocolate cake or sex," she told him.

"What did you do?" he asked.

She looked at him smugly and said, "Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?"
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Old 05-22-2008, 11:44 AM   #1396
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The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’”

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
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Old 05-22-2008, 11:45 AM   #1397
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A substitute teacher walks into the classroom and on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole has got the biggest tool in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Who is Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, you’re staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."
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Old 05-24-2008, 10:05 PM   #1398
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This made me laugh. Out loud and it generated strange looks


Q: What does a cow with no lips say?





A: “Oooo Oooo”
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Old 05-29-2008, 09:44 AM   #1399
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MY FRIEND GAVE BIRTH AT 65.

With all the new technology regarding fertility
recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth.


When she was discharged from the hospital and went
home, I went to visit.


'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can
visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see
the new baby now?'


'No, not yet,' She said.


After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked
again, 'May I see the baby now?'


'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked,
'Well, when can I see the baby?'


'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait
until he CRIES?'



'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?!!!!

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Old 05-29-2008, 10:35 AM   #1400
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Officer, this is how the fight started...
> I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
>
> So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of
> the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you
> just-get-sooo-stressed...and life... sometimes life seems like...suddenly
> funny?
> Well, the driver of the car I hit is a dwarf. He gets out of his car and
> I get out of my car.
>
> He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me.
> Right up close to me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
>
> And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I looked down at him and
> I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy-which one are you?'
>
> and that's when the fight started...
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