Its funny joke Thursday! - Page 72

REWahoo · 06-18-2008, 06:03 AM

An oilman dies and, upon ascending to the Pearly Gates, is told by St. Peter that, while he deserves to get into heaven, can't go in because there already are too many oilmen in heaven.

The recently deceased asks St. Peter for an opportunity to have a minute to talk to those other oilmen. He also wants to know if he can convince any of those others to leave, whether he can make it into heaven. St. Peter says sure.

A minute or two later, there is a stampede of oilmen away from Heaven.

St. Peter, amazed, asked what the oilman's trick was.

It was easy, he said: He simply announced that oil had been discovered in Hell.

Amazingly, however, the oilman declined the promised invitation to enter Heaven, and instead began following the stampede. Why, St. Peter asked?

Because, the oil man responded, you never know -- the rumor about oil in Hell just might be true.

RDamien · 06-18-2008, 07:02 AM

If you're Russian when you are running to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you're done in the bathroom... what are you when you're in the bathroom?

...

....

Wait for it..

....

European.

Alan · 06-18-2008, 07:07 PM

Picture a hill on top of which is a brothel. There are 3 men, one going up the hill, one at the top and one going down. Guess their nationalities.

The man going up the hill - he's a Russion

The man going down the hill - he's a Finnish

and the man at the top?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
------ himalayan

Alec-Eldifrawi · 06-19-2008, 12:43 PM

funny stuff!

wallygator69 · 06-23-2008, 10:19 AM

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' She asked.

He said, 'B J. Titsengolf'

jIMOh · 06-23-2008, 11:55 AM

Retirement comic- Sunday's dilbert.

Dilbert.com - The Official Dilbert Website with Scott Adams' color strips, Dilbert animation, mashups and more!

perinova · 06-23-2008, 03:13 PM

Retirement
Funny Jokes | Clean Funny Jokes | Blonde Funny Jokes - FunnyJoke.net

jIMOh · 06-25-2008, 01:26 PM

A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The chicken turns over on its side and mutters, "Well, I guess that solves that debate."

jIMOh · 06-25-2008, 01:30 PM

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."

jIMOh · 06-25-2008, 01:32 PM

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

jIMOh · 06-25-2008, 01:33 PM

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

Walt34 · 06-28-2008, 03:19 PM

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch."

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

calmloki · 07-01-2008, 07:37 AM

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important.

This is the time of year to think of ticks once again.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

jIMOh · 07-01-2008, 02:15 PM

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is very interesting, but what they conceal is vital.

brewer12345 · 07-01-2008, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jIMOh

A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The chicken turns over on its side and mutters, "Well, I guess that solves that debate."

jIMOh · 07-02-2008, 01:37 PM

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there to pick up my spirits. When I got shot, you were by my side to nurse me back to health. When we lost the house, you were right there with me again. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I’m beginning to think you’re f**king bad luck.”

Walt34 · 07-04-2008, 06:17 AM

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and goes running back to the patrol officer and demands to know why he is being harassed. So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc. in rather explicit terms.

The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass". The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation, he puts "AH" on the bottom. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the *AH* and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they're in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license so he had hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make"?
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an *AH*, underlined".
Attorney: "What does the *AH* stand for, officer"?
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, sir."
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir."
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Ass Hole?"
Officer: "Well, Sir ..... you know your client better than I do."

MikeD · 07-04-2008, 08:06 AM

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

**Martha** · 07-04-2008, 08:55 AM

NW-Bound · 07-05-2008, 02:35 PM

Abe Lincoln was purportedly very fond of the following story, and often told it. I have not found collaboration to be sure the anecdote actually happened, however. Perhaps some historians among us could help.

This happened after the Revolution War, and when the young country US and England established some relation. Ethan Allen, a Revolution War hero and a founder of the state of Vermont, went to England for a visit.

The Brits teased him by hanging a picture of George Washington in an outhouse, and made sure Ethan used it and saw the picture. Afterwards, Ethan acted coolly, so the Brits asked him if he saw the picture. Ethan replied that it was a very appropriate place for the Brits to hang it.

Surprised, the Brits had to ask Ethan why. To which, Ethan replied "because there is nothing that makes an Englishman defecate as quickly as the sight of General Washington".

06-18-2008, 06:03 AM	#1421
REWahoo Moderator Emeritus Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 10,908	An oilman dies and, upon ascending to the Pearly Gates, is told by St. Peter that, while he deserves to get into heaven, can't go in because there already are too many oilmen in heaven. The recently deceased asks St. Peter for an opportunity to have a minute to talk to those other oilmen. He also wants to know if he can convince any of those others to leave, whether he can make it into heaven. St. Peter says sure. A minute or two later, there is a stampede of oilmen away from Heaven. St. Peter, amazed, asked what the oilman's trick was. It was easy, he said: He simply announced that oil had been discovered in Hell. Amazingly, however, the oilman declined the promised invitation to enter Heaven, and instead began following the stampede. Why, St. Peter asked? Because, the oil man responded, you never know -- the rumor about oil in Hell just might be true. __________________ Spewing self-serving drivel since 2002.

06-18-2008, 07:07 PM	#1423
Alan Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Baton Rouge Posts: 1,140	Picture a hill on top of which is a brothel. There are 3 men, one going up the hill, one at the top and one going down. Guess their nationalities. The man going up the hill - he's a Russion The man going down the hill - he's a Finnish and the man at the top? . . . . . . . . ------ himalayan __________________ Countown clock is at 17 months

06-23-2008, 10:19 AM	#1425
wallygator69 Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 164	for the Dawg A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's your name?' She asked. He said, 'B J. Titsengolf'

06-23-2008, 11:55 AM	#1426
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,099	Retirement comic- Sunday's dilbert. Dilbert.com - The Official Dilbert Website with Scott Adams' color strips, Dilbert animation, mashups and more! __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

06-25-2008, 01:26 PM	#1428
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,099	A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The chicken turns over on its side and mutters, "Well, I guess that solves that debate." __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

06-18-2008, 07:02 AM	#1422
RDamien Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 56	If you're Russian when you are running to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you're done in the bathroom... what are you when you're in the bathroom? ... .... Wait for it.. .... European.

06-19-2008, 12:43 PM	#1424
Alec-Eldifrawi Dryer sheet wannabe Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 10	funny stuff!

06-23-2008, 03:13 PM	#1427
perinova Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 399	Retirement Funny Jokes \| Clean Funny Jokes \| Blonde Funny Jokes - FunnyJoke.net

06-25-2008, 01:30 PM	#1429
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,099	A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say…" "And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom." __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

06-25-2008, 01:32 PM	#1430
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,099	As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!" __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

06-25-2008, 01:33 PM	#1431
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,099	A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!" __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

06-28-2008, 03:19 PM	#1432
Walt34 Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: WV Panhandle Posts: 1,115	New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch." If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night! __________________ Retired six years ago at age 52

07-01-2008, 07:37 AM	#1433
calmloki Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Independence Posts: 1,291	I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important. This is the time of year to think of ticks once again. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

07-01-2008, 02:15 PM	#1434
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,099	Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is very interesting, but what they conceal is vital. __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

07-02-2008, 01:37 PM	#1436
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,099	A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there to pick up my spirits. When I got shot, you were by my side to nurse me back to health. When we lost the house, you were right there with me again. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?” “What dear?” She asked gently. “I’m beginning to think you’re fking bad luck.” __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.** One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

07-04-2008, 06:17 AM	#1437
Walt34 Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: WV Panhandle Posts: 1,115	A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and goes running back to the patrol officer and demands to know why he is being harassed. So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc. in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass". The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation, he puts "AH" on the bottom. He then hands it to the violator for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the AH and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!" Three months later they're in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license so he had hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make"? Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an AH, underlined". Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer"? Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, sir." Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?" Officer: "Yes Sir." Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Ass Hole?" Officer: "Well, Sir ..... you know your client better than I do." __________________ Retired six years ago at age 52

07-04-2008, 08:06 AM	#1438
MikeD Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Leesburg, VA Posts: 490	Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

07-04-2008, 08:55 AM	#1439
Martha Moderator Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: minnesota Posts: 9,302	__________________ . Do not rely on the information provided--my posts are not to be taken as legal advice. Needless to say you must consult with your legal representative. I am not responsible for errors. If I offended you with cya I apologize. If I did not, I tried.