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Old 06-18-2008, 08:02 AM   #1421
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If you're Russian when you are running to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you're done in the bathroom... what are you when you're in the bathroom?






...


....

Wait for it..

....


European.
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Old 06-18-2008, 08:07 PM   #1422
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Picture a hill on top of which is a brothel. There are 3 men, one going up the hill, one at the top and one going down. Guess their nationalities.

The man going up the hill - he's a Russion

The man going down the hill - he's a Finnish

and the man at the top?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
------ himalayan
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Old 06-19-2008, 01:43 PM   #1423
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funny stuff!
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for the Dawg
Old 06-23-2008, 11:19 AM   #1424
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for the Dawg

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' She asked.

He said, 'B J. Titsengolf'
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Old 06-23-2008, 12:55 PM   #1425
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Retirement comic- Sunday's dilbert.

Dilbert.com - The Official Dilbert Website with Scott Adams' color strips, Dilbert animation, mashups and more!
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Old 06-23-2008, 04:13 PM   #1426
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Funny Jokes | Clean Funny Jokes | Blonde Funny Jokes - FunnyJoke.net
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Old 06-25-2008, 02:26 PM   #1427
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A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The chicken turns over on its side and mutters, "Well, I guess that solves that debate."
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Old 06-25-2008, 02:30 PM   #1428
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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Old 06-25-2008, 02:32 PM   #1429
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As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
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Old 06-25-2008, 02:33 PM   #1430
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A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
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Old 06-28-2008, 04:19 PM   #1431
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New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch."

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
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Old 07-01-2008, 08:37 AM   #1432
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I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important.

This is the time of year to think of ticks once again.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
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Old 07-01-2008, 03:15 PM   #1433
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Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is very interesting, but what they conceal is vital.
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Old 07-01-2008, 03:27 PM   #1434
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jIMOh View Post
A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The chicken turns over on its side and mutters, "Well, I guess that solves that debate."
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Old 07-02-2008, 02:37 PM   #1435
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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there to pick up my spirits. When I got shot, you were by my side to nurse me back to health. When we lost the house, you were right there with me again. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I’m beginning to think you’re f**king bad luck.”
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Old 07-04-2008, 07:17 AM   #1436
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A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and goes running back to the patrol officer and demands to know why he is being harassed. So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc. in rather explicit terms.

The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass". The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation, he puts "AH" on the bottom. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the *AH* and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they're in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license so he had hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make"?
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an *AH*, underlined".
Attorney: "What does the *AH* stand for, officer"?
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, sir."
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir."
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Ass Hole?"
Officer: "Well, Sir ..... you know your client better than I do."
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Old 07-04-2008, 09:06 AM   #1437
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
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Old 07-04-2008, 09:55 AM   #1438
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No more lawyer stuff, no more political stuff, so no more CYA

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A Late July 4 Joke
Old 07-05-2008, 03:35 PM   #1439
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A Late July 4 Joke

Abe Lincoln was purportedly very fond of the following story, and often told it. I have not found collaboration to be sure the anecdote actually happened, however. Perhaps some historians among us could help.

This happened after the Revolution War, and when the young country US and England established some relation. Ethan Allen, a Revolution War hero and a founder of the state of Vermont, went to England for a visit.

The Brits teased him by hanging a picture of George Washington in an outhouse, and made sure Ethan used it and saw the picture. Afterwards, Ethan acted coolly, so the Brits asked him if he saw the picture. Ethan replied that it was a very appropriate place for the Brits to hang it.

Surprised, the Brits had to ask Ethan why. To which, Ethan replied "because there is nothing that makes an Englishman defecate as quickly as the sight of General Washington".
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What Did The Sadist Do To The Masochist?
Old 07-06-2008, 12:01 PM   #1440
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What Did The Sadist Do To The Masochist?

Nothing.
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