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Old 08-01-2008, 04:56 PM   #1461
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> > A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
> > already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
> > He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
> > She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.
> > He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'
> > The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
> > smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'
> > T he man smiled back to her and said once again, 'S-H-I-T.'
> > The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
> > 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's
> > Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
> > The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday --
> > duuhhh!'
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Old 08-02-2008, 10:38 AM   #1462
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> >>>> A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was
> having trouble with one of her
> >>>> students. The teacher asked, 'Harry,
> what's your problem?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry answered, 'I'm too smart f or
> the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
> >>>> grade and I'm smarter than she is! I
> think I should be in the 3rd grade
> >>>> too!'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry
> to the principal's office.
> >>>>
> >>>> While Harry waited in the outer office,
> the teacher explained to the
> >>>> principal what the situation was. The
> principal told Ms. Brooks he would
> >>>> give the boy a test. If he failed to
> answer any of his questions he was to
> >>>> go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
> agreed
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry was brought in and the conditions
> were explained to him and he
> >>>> agreed to take the test.
> >>> >
> >>>> Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: '9.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: '36.'
> >>>>
> >>>> And so it went with every question the
> principal thought a 3rd grader
> >>>> should know.
> >>>>
> >>>> The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and
> tells her, 'I think Harry can go to
> >>>> the 3rd grade.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
> 'Let me ask him some questions.'
> >>>>
> >>>> The principal and Harry both agreed.
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks asks , 'What does a cow> have four of that I have only two of?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants
> that you have but I do not have?'
> >>>>
> >>>> The principal wondered why would she ask
> such a question!
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a
> man steps into?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: 'Pants.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends
> with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
> >>>> and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: 'Coconut.'
> >>>>
> >>>> T he principal sat forward with his mouth
> hanging open.
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and
> pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
> >>>> The principal's eyes opened really
> wide and before he could stop the
> >>>> answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble
> gum.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do
> standing up, a woman does sitting down and
> >>>> a dog does on three legs?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: 'Shake hands.'
> >>>>
> >>>> The principal was trembling.
> >>>>
> >>>> Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with
> an 'F' a nd ends in 'K' that means a
> >>>> lot of heat and excitement?'
> >>>>
> >>>> Harry: 'Firetruck.'
> >>>>
> >>>> The principal breathed a sigh of relief
> and told the teacher, 'Put Harry
> >>>> in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
> questions wrong.....'
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Old 08-03-2008, 12:16 PM   #1463
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Considering Retirement Then think on these Places.

Where to Live After Retirement
It's All About Choices...

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because
you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your
butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and
never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to
what hits you in the face when you open your
oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot,
and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't
afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down
your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your
neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is,
you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and
Drought.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone
to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about
how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery
Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people
in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper,
ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less
than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter,
almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the
same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy
Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop
your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on
his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still
have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the
mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting
to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to
'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition:
'Where's my coat at?' or 'Can I go with?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic
place, you say, 'It was different!'

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind --
even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent
dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere
in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by
headless people.


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Old 08-03-2008, 12:35 PM   #1464
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Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue
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Old 08-04-2008, 02:50 PM   #1465
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A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a shot of wiskey and tells the bartender to leave the bottle. The bar was really slow so the bartender strikes up a conversation. "So buddy, whats so wrong that you are hitting the drink so hard" the bartender says. "Well, you'll never belive this. My wife left me today. She said I was just to kinky for her." A minute or two later a woman a couple of stools over speaks up. "You know what. My husband just left me today too. He said I was too kinky." What a coincidence. They get to talking a bit and she invites him back to her place to get a little kinky. They go back and she tells him to make himself at home while she puts on something a little more comfortable. A few minutes later she comes out with all kinds of chains and leather gear on, only to find him putting on his coat. "I thought your wanted to get kinky" she said. "Listen lady, I already screwed your dog and crapped in your purse... I'm about done."
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Old 08-04-2008, 02:51 PM   #1466
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I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is...........





Always keep your condoms in your car
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Old 08-05-2008, 10:32 AM   #1467
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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A:Are you crazy? HELLOCocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q:Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.







MAKE THIS ONE COUNT, GO FOR IT
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Old 08-05-2008, 07:08 PM   #1468
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Bear Country Warning

Be sure to read the whole notice

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Old 08-05-2008, 07:12 PM   #1469
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Our current favorite:

Where was the cat when the lights went out?

My 3-year old answers: "In the dark!"
My DH answers: "On the counter."

As it turns out, both true.
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(substitute your favorite sport/ethnic group)
Old 08-05-2008, 10:57 PM   #1470
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(substitute your favorite sport/ethnic group)

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old man want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
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Old 08-06-2008, 03:14 PM   #1471
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pussums....
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Old 08-06-2008, 03:58 PM   #1472
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Oh so its come to that, then?

Dont we need a "funny pictures friday"?
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Old 08-06-2008, 04:00 PM   #1473
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Old 08-06-2008, 04:03 PM   #1474
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Or....
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File Type: jpg what idiots look like.jpg (56.5 KB, 5 views)
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Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
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Old 08-06-2008, 04:11 PM   #1475
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Oh yeah...I'll raise ya 3 more...
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Old 08-06-2008, 04:11 PM   #1476
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Old 08-06-2008, 04:25 PM   #1477
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I always knew that deep down, attorneys are really good people.
Old 08-06-2008, 05:37 PM   #1478
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I always knew that deep down, attorneys are really good people.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"
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Old 08-07-2008, 03:55 PM   #1479
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"99% of lawyers give the other 1% a bad name."
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Old 08-07-2008, 04:03 PM   #1480
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Attorney Goldberg was out jogging when suddenly he finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates speaking to St Peter

"What is going on!" he says, "I am not supposed to be here , I am 45 years old, excellent health and don't do anything remotely dangerous....How could I be here now"

To which St Peter responds "Hmm I see your point, you are in fact only 45 years old, in great shape and you haven't been inolved in any sort of unhealthy activity, let me take another look at my records" so St Peter consults his great tome and minutes later he says "Ah HA! I've got it, you are just 45 and in great shape but according to your billable hours you are 153 years old"
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