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Old 08-07-2008, 04:05 PM   #1481
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Two muffins are baking away in a hot oven when one muffin says to the other

"Man it is like totally baking in here!"

to which the other replies

"Holy Crap a talking muffin!"
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Old 08-07-2008, 04:35 PM   #1482
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Man, now I'm gonna be laughing all day. Thats hilarious.
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Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
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Old 08-12-2008, 11:55 AM   #1483
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Ramblings of a Retired Mind


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!



I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
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I love Blonds!
Old 08-12-2008, 08:55 PM   #1484
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I love Blonds!

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
Way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
Awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
Only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Old 08-13-2008, 02:08 PM   #1485
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Rowr!
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... and then the fight started.
Old 08-13-2008, 06:43 PM   #1486
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... and then the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Benefits office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driving licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Benefits office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might have got disability, too.'

... and then the fight started.

************************************************** ******************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She is my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

... and then the fight started.

************************************************** ******************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

... and then the fight started.
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Old 08-14-2008, 09:16 AM   #1487
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A tourist struck up a conversation with an old fellow sitting on his front porch in Maine.

T: Lots of strange people in Maine.
OF: Yep, most are gone after Labor Day.
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Old 08-14-2008, 11:44 AM   #1488
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb-NY View Post
Yep
I thought it was "Ayuh"
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Old 08-14-2008, 11:55 AM   #1489
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
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Pun intended
Old 08-15-2008, 07:44 AM   #1490
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Pun intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Old 08-18-2008, 09:14 AM   #1491
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Ask a stupid question get a clever answer!

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
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Old 08-18-2008, 09:14 AM   #1492
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes Romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her Lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
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Old 08-18-2008, 09:15 AM   #1493
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During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent; for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed........ 'And all these years I've been chewing gum!'
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Old 08-18-2008, 09:21 AM   #1494
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Walt34 View Post
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

...
Pretty much just how my Mom met my honey. Think it may have set the tone for their whole relationship - they were good friends and open and at ease with each other as long as my Mom was alive.
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Old 08-19-2008, 07:36 PM   #1495
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Can a hearse ride in the carpool lane and not get a ticket?
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Old 08-19-2008, 07:40 PM   #1496
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My wife sent me this one...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
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Women drivers
Old 08-20-2008, 03:24 AM   #1497
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Women drivers

This morning on the Interstate I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily; but she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!
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Old 08-20-2008, 08:07 AM   #1498
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,
stood beside the little boy,
and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'


The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'



Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible
and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:08 AM   #1499
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On Tom's 65th birthday, he got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation, who
was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
shaman, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine, and it must
be respected."

"You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, '1, 2, 3'."

"When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been
in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

He was highly encouraged.

As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from
working?"

"Your partner must say '1, 2, 3, 4'.", the shaman responded.

"But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. "

He was eager to see if it worked.

He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then
invited Cara to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1, 2, 3!".

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

Cara was excited, and began throwing off her clothes.

And then she asked, "What was the 1, 2, 3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition.
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Old 08-22-2008, 08:46 AM   #1500
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, let's go ride our bikes!
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