Its funny joke Thursday! - Page 77

jIMOh · 08-29-2008, 04:23 PM

Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

jIMOh · 08-29-2008, 05:33 PM

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world!"

jIMOh · 08-29-2008, 05:35 PM

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction.

"Where was she bit?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" was the reply.

"Wow!” he replied, “She must have been standing right over the hive."

jIMOh · 08-29-2008, 05:35 PM

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said: "I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

Puzzled, the lawyer asked: "How do you start a flood?"

jIMOh · 08-29-2008, 05:39 PM

What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

jIMOh · 08-29-2008, 05:41 PM

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”

The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”

The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

jIMOh · 08-29-2008, 05:51 PM

Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the sheriff.

“Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin’ walkin’ down Main Street wearin’ nothin’ but your gun belt and boots?”

“Well Sheriff, it’s a long story.”

“I ain’t going nowhere”, said the sheriff.

“Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin’ kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out to the barn?’ So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddlin’ and smoochin’ and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.’ So we did.”

He continued. “We started cuddlin’ and smoochin’ some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gun belt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said, ‘Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town.’”

jIMOh · 09-03-2008, 01:21 PM

What do you call an englishman at the world cup?

a referee.

The english referee was at the pearly gates. Saint Peter came and interviewed him.
"Do you think you belong in heaven?"
"Yes" replied the referee. "I have done what is right for the game of soccer time and time again."
Saint Peter asked "Could you give me an example?".
"Sure. Brazil scored and made the game 1-0 and was holding on against Germany. Then the German striker got taken down with about 30 seconds left and I awared the penalty kick. Germany could have tied the game right there."
Saint peter started getting excited and into the game. "I don't remember this. What happened next".
"Not sure" the referee said, "I awarded the penalty kick about 30 seconds ago."

jIMOh · 09-03-2008, 03:54 PM

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.

The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asks.

“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”

“No, I did not!” says the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

TromboneAl · 09-03-2008, 07:20 PM

Reminds me of my favorite line from "The Great Lebowski:" "I'm sure it's in there. Let me take another look."

----------------

My wife is a witch. One day we were driving in the car and she told me she was a witch and could do magic. I expressed my skepticism, so she leaned over and whispered in my ear. Sure enough, I turned into a motel.

two4theroad · 09-03-2008, 09:11 PM

calmloki · 09-04-2008, 02:18 PM

Big Pharma advertising:

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two4theroad · 09-04-2008, 07:33 PM

wrongoninternet.PNG

I don't know what happened yesterday to my attachment. It was there right after I submitted it but today it is gone. Here it is again.

When I saw this I could just see so many of our members in that chair.....

2fer

Khan · 09-04-2008, 07:43 PM

Notmuchlonger · 09-05-2008, 12:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Khan

Whats funny about Jesus loving children very very much?

VaCollector · 09-05-2008, 06:36 AM

Trust the Irish to see through the blarney and see the basics of politics in just a few sentences...

A point to ponder despite anyone's political affiliation:

We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run. Now... On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!! What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies?

Nords · 09-06-2008, 03:05 PM

two4theroad · 09-06-2008, 07:51 PM

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

eddieb · 09-08-2008, 09:54 AM

When Henry Ford died, St. Peter greeted him at the Pearly Gates. "The car was such a great invention," St Peter told Ford, "that you can hang out in Heaven with whoever you like."

Ford immediately told St Peter cockily that he wished to meet God Himself.

So, St. Peter took Ford to the Throne Room & introduced him to God.

As soon as they met, Ford did not hesitate to ask God, "When you invented women, what were you thinking?"

"What do you mean?" God inquired.

"Why, women have major design flaws," Ford told him. "There is too much protrusion, they chatter way too

08-29-2008, 04:23 PM	#1521
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Milford, OH Posts: 1,182	Tinkle A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.' __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

08-29-2008, 05:33 PM	#1522
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Milford, OH Posts: 1,182	Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game. "Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough." He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost. "Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress." The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world!" __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

08-29-2008, 05:35 PM	#1523
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Milford, OH Posts: 1,182	A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction. "Where was she bit?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" was the reply. "Wow!” he replied, “She must have been standing right over the hive." __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

08-29-2008, 05:35 PM	#1524
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Milford, OH Posts: 1,182	A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said: "I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." Puzzled, the lawyer asked: "How do you start a flood?" __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

08-29-2008, 05:39 PM	#1525
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Milford, OH Posts: 1,182	What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story! __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

08-29-2008, 05:41 PM	#1526
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Milford, OH Posts: 1,182	A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?” The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.” The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!” The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’” The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.” The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!” He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’” The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.” __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

08-29-2008, 05:51 PM	#1527
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Milford, OH Posts: 1,182	Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the sheriff. “Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin’ walkin’ down Main Street wearin’ nothin’ but your gun belt and boots?” “Well Sheriff, it’s a long story.” “I ain’t going nowhere”, said the sheriff. “Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin’ kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out to the barn?’ So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddlin’ and smoochin’ and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.’ So we did.” He continued. “We started cuddlin’ and smoochin’ some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gun belt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said, ‘Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town.’” __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

09-03-2008, 01:21 PM	#1528
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Milford, OH Posts: 1,182	What do you call an englishman at the world cup? a referee. The english referee was at the pearly gates. Saint Peter came and interviewed him. "Do you think you belong in heaven?" "Yes" replied the referee. "I have done what is right for the game of soccer time and time again." Saint Peter asked "Could you give me an example?". "Sure. Brazil scored and made the game 1-0 and was holding on against Germany. Then the German striker got taken down with about 30 seconds left and I awared the penalty kick. Germany could have tied the game right there." Saint peter started getting excited and into the game. "I don't remember this. What happened next". "Not sure" the referee said, "I awarded the penalty kick about 30 seconds ago." __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

09-03-2008, 03:54 PM	#1529
jIMOh Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Milford, OH Posts: 1,182	A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.” The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asks. “No, I didn’t!” said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?” “No, I did not!” says the drunk again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!” The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?” __________________ Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

09-03-2008, 07:20 PM	#1530
TromboneAl Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 4,102	Reminds me of my favorite line from "The Great Lebowski:" "I'm sure it's in there. Let me take another look." ---------------- My wife is a witch. One day we were driving in the car and she told me she was a witch and could do magic. I expressed my skepticism, so she leaned over and whispered in my ear. Sure enough, I turned into a motel. __________________ - Al -- Always serious, never joking. No, wait. Never serious... Always... I forget.

09-03-2008, 09:11 PM	#1531
two4theroad Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Texas Posts: 165	Someone is WRONG! __________________ Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.<br />-Robert A. Heinlein

09-04-2008, 02:18 PM	#1532
calmloki Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Independence Posts: 1,389	Big Pharma advertising: image001.jpg

09-04-2008, 07:33 PM	#1533
two4theroad Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Texas Posts: 165	wrongoninternet.PNG I don't know what happened yesterday to my attachment. It was there right after I submitted it but today it is gone. Here it is again. When I saw this I could just see so many of our members in that chair..... 2fer __________________ Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.<br />-Robert A. Heinlein

09-04-2008, 07:43 PM	#1534
Khan Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Greater Dayton area Posts: 3,056	__________________ "Knowin' no one nowhere's gonna miss us when we're gone"

09-05-2008, 06:36 AM	#1536
VaCollector Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 272	Trust the Irish to see through the blarney and see the basics of politics in just a few sentences... A point to ponder despite anyone's political affiliation: We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run. Now... On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!! What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies?

09-06-2008, 07:51 PM	#1538
two4theroad Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Texas Posts: 165	Raisin Bread or Wheat???? A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'." __________________ Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.<br />-Robert A. Heinlein