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Old 08-29-2008, 05:33 PM   #1521
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Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world!"
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Old 08-29-2008, 05:35 PM   #1522
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A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction.

"Where was she bit?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" was the reply.

"Wow!” he replied, “She must have been standing right over the hive."
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Old 08-29-2008, 05:35 PM   #1523
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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said: "I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

Puzzled, the lawyer asked: "How do you start a flood?"
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Old 08-29-2008, 05:39 PM   #1524
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What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
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Old 08-29-2008, 05:41 PM   #1525
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A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”

The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”

The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”
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Old 08-29-2008, 05:51 PM   #1526
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Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the sheriff.

“Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin’ walkin’ down Main Street wearin’ nothin’ but your gun belt and boots?”

“Well Sheriff, it’s a long story.”

“I ain’t going nowhere”, said the sheriff.

“Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin’ kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out to the barn?’ So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddlin’ and smoochin’ and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.’ So we did.”

He continued. “We started cuddlin’ and smoochin’ some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gun belt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said, ‘Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town.’”
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Old 09-03-2008, 01:21 PM   #1527
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What do you call an englishman at the world cup?

a referee.

The english referee was at the pearly gates. Saint Peter came and interviewed him.
"Do you think you belong in heaven?"
"Yes" replied the referee. "I have done what is right for the game of soccer time and time again."
Saint Peter asked "Could you give me an example?".
"Sure. Brazil scored and made the game 1-0 and was holding on against Germany. Then the German striker got taken down with about 30 seconds left and I awared the penalty kick. Germany could have tied the game right there."
Saint peter started getting excited and into the game. "I don't remember this. What happened next".
"Not sure" the referee said, "I awarded the penalty kick about 30 seconds ago."
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Old 09-03-2008, 03:54 PM   #1528
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A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.

The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asks.

“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”

“No, I did not!” says the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
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Old 09-03-2008, 07:20 PM   #1529
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Reminds me of my favorite line from "The Great Lebowski:" "I'm sure it's in there. Let me take another look."

----------------

My wife is a witch. One day we were driving in the car and she told me she was a witch and could do magic. I expressed my skepticism, so she leaned over and whispered in my ear. Sure enough, I turned into a motel.
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Someone is WRONG!
Old 09-03-2008, 09:11 PM   #1530
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Someone is WRONG!

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Old 09-04-2008, 02:18 PM   #1531
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Old 09-04-2008, 07:33 PM   #1532
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wrongoninternet.PNG

I don't know what happened yesterday to my attachment. It was there right after I submitted it but today it is gone. Here it is again.

When I saw this I could just see so many of our members in that chair.....

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Old 09-04-2008, 07:43 PM   #1533
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Old 09-05-2008, 12:42 AM   #1534
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Whats funny about Jesus loving children very very much? :confused:
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Old 09-05-2008, 06:36 AM   #1535
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Trust the Irish to see through the blarney and see the basics of politics in just a few sentences...

A point to ponder despite anyone's political affiliation:

We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run. Now... On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!! What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies?
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Old 09-06-2008, 03:05 PM   #1536
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Raisin Bread or Wheat????
Old 09-06-2008, 07:51 PM   #1537
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Raisin Bread or Wheat????

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."
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Henry Ford Meets God
Old 09-08-2008, 09:54 AM   #1538
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Henry Ford Meets God

When Henry Ford died, St. Peter greeted him at the Pearly Gates. "The car was such a great invention," St Peter told Ford, "that you can hang out in Heaven with whoever you like."

Ford immediately told St Peter cockily that he wished to meet God Himself.

So, St. Peter took Ford to the Throne Room & introduced him to God.

As soon as they met, Ford did not hesitate to ask God, "When you invented women, what were you thinking?"

"What do you mean?" God inquired.

"Why, women have major design flaws," Ford told him. "There is too much protrusion, they chatter way too much at high speeds, & their maintenance is too high."

"In addition," Ford continued, "they constantly need re-painting, they are out of commission at least 5 or 6 days out of every month, & their rear ends wobble."

"Finally," Ford concluded, "the intake is too close to the exhaust, the headlights are too small, & fuel consumption is outrageous."

God then told Ford to wait while He went over to check out some information on His Celestial Computer. Upon returning, God informed the car maker: "The invention may be flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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Chuck Norris humor
Old 09-08-2008, 01:55 PM   #1539
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Chuck Norris humor

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's freaking beef.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
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Because there is not enough Chuck:
Old 09-08-2008, 02:02 PM   #1540
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Because there is not enough Chuck:

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. (I guess that makes it 4 times!)

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
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