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09-08-2008, 02:02 PM
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#1541 |
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Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 128
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Because there is not enough Chuck:
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. (I guess that makes it 4 times!) There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. |
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09-09-2008, 12:54 PM
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#1542 |
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas Vicinity
Posts: 1,731
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what a bad day looks like...
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Sometimes my feelings are so hot that I have to take the pen and put them out on paper to keep them from setting me afire inside; then all that ink and labor are wasted because I can't print the results....Mark Twain |
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09-09-2008, 03:50 PM
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#1543 |
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Baton Rouge
Posts: 1,221
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NO, I DON'T want to see the vet
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Countown clock is at 16 months |
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09-10-2008, 06:16 PM
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#1544 |
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Baton Rouge
Posts: 1,221
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Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer
Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report... If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM... Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.
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Countown clock is at 16 months |
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09-10-2008, 08:26 PM
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#1545 | |
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Oahu
Posts: 15,661
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Quote:
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* * For more info see "About Me" in my profile. |
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09-10-2008, 10:49 PM
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#1546 |
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 836
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’ The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’ The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’ ‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’ ‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’ The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !’ |
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09-11-2008, 05:14 PM
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#1547 |
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Leesburg, VA
Posts: 501
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A young woman walked into a bank with a huge bag of quarters that she wanted to deposit. The teller remarked "You sure have hoarded a heck of a lot of quarters!" The young woman exclaimed "How did you know?!?"
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I just want to celebrate another day of livin' I just want to celebrate another day of life - R. Earth |
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09-11-2008, 07:00 PM
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#1548 | |
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Oahu
Posts: 15,661
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Quote:
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* * For more info see "About Me" in my profile. |
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09-11-2008, 07:15 PM
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#1549 | |
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 1,389
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Quote:
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09-11-2008, 07:15 PM
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#1550 |
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ... 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,527
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"Everyone"
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Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist |
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09-11-2008, 10:12 PM
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#1551 |
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 2,924
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"No, my sister whored half of them."
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"Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite." - R. Heinlein |
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09-12-2008, 12:14 AM
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#1552 |
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 149
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Subject: Diets
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. I hope this clears up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. |
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09-12-2008, 01:37 AM
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#1553 |
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Dryer sheet wannabe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 17
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lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. Matthew 6:13 |
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09-12-2008, 04:47 PM
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#1554 |
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 1,182
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Early Retirement strategy
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"
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Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security. |
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09-14-2008, 08:22 AM
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#1555 |
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,527
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Britains worst jokes! Apparently nobody running the contest read this joke thread...
 Daily Star: Simply The Best 7 Days A Week :: News :: Britain's worst joke...
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Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist |
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09-17-2008, 07:23 AM
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#1556 |
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 743
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The New Financial Wisdom
By Stuart Carlson - appeared in the Washington Post:
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I purr therefore I am. |
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09-19-2008, 01:30 PM
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#1557 |
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Montreal
Posts: 555
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"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers"
Cliff Clavin(Cheers)
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"Second star to the right and straight on till morning" |
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09-20-2008, 10:03 AM
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#1558 |
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 102
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Three Men Got To Heaven
One day, there was 3 men at heaven's gate waiting to go to heaven.
God was standing there and asked the first guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?" The first guy said "I've only cheated on her 2 times". God then said, "Well, you will get a small car to drive around in heaven". God then asked the second guy "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The second guy answered, "Well, I've only cheated on her 1 time". God said, "Well, you get a medium size car to drive around in heaven". Then God asked the third guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The third guy answered, "I have always been faithful to my wife, I've never cheated on her." God said, "Well, you get a Cadillac to drive around in heaven". Then after the three men were in heaven driving around in there cars, the first 2 men saw the other man crying in his Cadillac. They went over to him and said, "What are you crying about, you got the biggest, finest, car to drive around in heaven and you've always been faithful to your wife, what could be so wrong to make you cry?" The third man looked up and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard |
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09-20-2008, 10:04 AM
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#1559 |
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 102
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Lewinsky's Statement to the Press
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