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Old 09-09-2008, 12:54 PM   #1541
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what a bad day looks like...
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NO, I DON'T want to see the vet
Old 09-09-2008, 03:50 PM   #1542
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NO, I DON'T want to see the vet

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Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer
Old 09-10-2008, 06:16 PM   #1543
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Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer

Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report...

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM...
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.
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Old 09-10-2008, 08:26 PM   #1544
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
The meter seems off here, but in other versions of this poem I've seen that corrected by the substitution of a 12-letter noun which anyway is probably more appropriate to the circumstances leading to this situation...
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Old 09-10-2008, 10:49 PM   #1545
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !’
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Old 09-11-2008, 05:14 PM   #1546
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A young woman walked into a bank with a huge bag of quarters that she wanted to deposit. The teller remarked "You sure have hoarded a heck of a lot of quarters!" The young woman exclaimed "How did you know?!?"
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Old 09-11-2008, 07:00 PM   #1547
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeD View Post
The teller remarked "You sure have hoarded a heck of a lot of quarters!"
I thought that setup was "Who the heck gave you a quarter?!?"...
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Old 09-11-2008, 07:15 PM   #1548
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords View Post
I thought that setup was "Who the heck gave you a quarter?!?"...
All of them?
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Old 09-11-2008, 07:15 PM   #1549
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"Everyone"
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Old 09-11-2008, 10:12 PM   #1550
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"No, my sister whored half of them."
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Old 09-12-2008, 12:14 AM   #1551
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Subject: Diets


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


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Old 09-12-2008, 01:37 AM   #1552
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Hippies Wail for Dead Trees*Video

Love the screaming woman
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Early Retirement strategy
Old 09-12-2008, 04:47 PM   #1553
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Early Retirement strategy

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, Iím making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I canít stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then youíll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I canít stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you donít like factories and wonít work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"
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Old 09-14-2008, 08:22 AM   #1554
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Britains worst jokes! Apparently nobody running the contest read this joke thread...

Daily Star: Simply The Best 7 Days A Week :: News :: Britain's worst joke...
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The New Financial Wisdom
Old 09-17-2008, 07:23 AM   #1555
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The New Financial Wisdom

By Stuart Carlson - appeared in the Washington Post:
Attached Images
File Type: gif Carlson Cartoon.gif (104.1 KB, 18 views)
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Old 09-19-2008, 01:30 PM   #1556
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"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers"
Cliff Clavin(Cheers)
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Three Men Got To Heaven
Old 09-20-2008, 10:03 AM   #1557
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Three Men Got To Heaven

One day, there was 3 men at heaven's gate waiting to go to heaven.
God was standing there and asked the first guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?" The first guy said "I've only cheated on her 2 times".
God then said, "Well, you will get a small car to drive around in heaven".
God then asked the second guy "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The second guy answered, "Well, I've only cheated on her 1 time". God said, "Well, you get a medium size car to drive around in heaven". Then God asked the third guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The third guy answered, "I have always been faithful to my wife, I've never cheated on her." God said, "Well, you get a Cadillac to drive around in heaven".
Then after the three men were in heaven driving around in there cars, the first 2 men saw the other man crying in his Cadillac. They went over to him and said, "What are you crying about, you got the biggest, finest, car to drive around in heaven and you've always been faithful to your wife, what could be so wrong to make you cry?" The third man looked up and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard
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Lewinsky's Statement to the Press
Old 09-20-2008, 10:04 AM   #1558
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Lewinsky's Statement to the Press

Statement
I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

Thank you,
Monica
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Worst Pickup Lines
Old 09-20-2008, 10:26 AM   #1559
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Worst Pickup Lines



I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.


I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.


Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.


If your were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.


Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely I wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: " I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."


. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?



If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg was Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?



You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.



Hi, I'm a necrophilliac, how good are you at playing dead?



The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.



Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore
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Old 09-20-2008, 11:33 AM   #1560
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How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)

--------------------------------------
1. He does not have a beer gut...

He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)

He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)

-------------------------------------
2. He is not quiet...

He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is a SAMS grad.

-------------------------------------
3. He is not stupid...

He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He is a field grade.

-------------------------------------
4. He does not get lost all the time...

He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He gets temporarily misoriented.

-------------------------------------
5. He is not balding...

He is in Follicle Regression.

He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.

-------------------------------------------
6. He is not a cradle robber...

He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He is breaking the new fraternization policies.

-------------------------------
7. He does not get falling-down drunk...

He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He practices his IMTs in the club.

-----------------------------
8. He is not short...

He is Anatomically Compact.

He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.

--------------------------------
9. He does not have a rich daddy...

He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He has the Army as a hobby.

---------------------------------
10. He does not constantly talk about cars...

He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He must be a Transporter.

---------------------------------
11. He does not have a hot body...

He is Physically Combustible.

He is a PT stud.

----------------------------------
12. He is not unsophisticated...

He is Socially Challenged.

He is a Ranger.

---------------------------------
13. He does not eat like a pig...

He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.

-------------------------------
14. He is not a bad dancer...

He is Overly Caucasian.

He is from the Muddy Boots Army.

-----------------------------------
15. He does not hog the blankets...

He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is a Blue Falcon.

-----------------------------
16. He is not a male chauvinist pig...

He has Swine Empathy.

He must be combat arms.

-------------------------------
17. He is not afraid of commitment...

He is Monogamously Challenged.

He loves TDY.
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