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Chinese Torture
Old 09-20-2008, 05:50 PM   #1561
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Chinese Torture

There once was a man who was walking through the woods. He was very hungry and thirsty, when he came upon a small castle. He went up and there was an elderly Chinese man who answered the door. The man asked for some food and drink.

The Chinese man said yes, but that he must promise not to fool around with his daughter, or he would have to face the 3 Chinese Tortures. The man agreed and went inside to a fabulous meal. After it was over, the old mans daughter came into the room. She was the hottest, sexiest woman the man had ever seen. The next day the Chinese man said he had to leave for some errands, but reminded the man not to mess with his daughter or he would face the 3 Chinese tortures.

After a while the guy decided, what the heck. What can this guy do to me? So he goes and fools around with the daughter. He is completely satisfied, when he wakes up the next morning. Upon his chest is a big rock with a note.

The note read "First Chinese Torture, 100lb boulder on chest."

The guy picked the rock up and tossed it out the window. On the window sill was another note, "Second Chinese Torture, Boulder tied to left nut."

The man jumped out the window to keep the boulder from tearing his balls off, when he found the third note. "Third Chinese Torture, Right nut attached to bedpost."
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Old 09-24-2008, 05:35 PM   #1562
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It may take you a while to get this:

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Old 09-24-2008, 05:40 PM   #1563
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It may take you a while to get this:
Hey, he must be the little man in the canoe that I heard about!
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Old 09-24-2008, 06:55 PM   #1564
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It did take a bit.
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Old 09-24-2008, 10:47 PM   #1565
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Hey, he must be the little man in the canoe that I heard about!
I was clueless until I got this assist...

Reminds me of the Seinfeld routine: "Oh, Dolores!"
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Old 09-25-2008, 04:36 PM   #1566
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I added that one to my funny names file. So far, I have about 1,450 amusing names in a .doc file.

Mike D.
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Old 09-25-2008, 04:45 PM   #1567
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Here's the really funny part. Thats not his real name. He gave that to the news crew and they interviewed him using it. They've since pulled the video from their archives.

Way better than having someone at the mall page Heywood Jahblowme or Mike Hunt.

According to Intellius, the only Litoris in the US is Mike Litoris in....Bonerville WV.

Pretty sure thats something someone stuck on a form somewhere and nobody caught until it was sucked up into the data aggregator...
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Old 09-25-2008, 05:15 PM   #1568
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It may take you a while to get this
I got it right away thanks to years of listening to Don and Mike
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Lawnmower and Marriage
Old 09-25-2008, 09:26 PM   #1569
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Lawnmower and Marriage

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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Old 09-25-2008, 10:06 PM   #1570
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If a man says something in a forest and no one hears him - is he still wrong?

Mike Hunt is one of my favorites
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The Mailman's Retirement
Old 09-25-2008, 10:31 PM   #1571
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The Mailman's Retirement

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Old 09-26-2008, 10:35 AM   #1572
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The preacher was dissatisfied with how little his congregation put in the collections plates on Sundays, so he learned hypnosis. He began preaching his sermons in a monotone. He swung a watch slowly in front of the lecturn, and at the end of the sermon he said, "Give!"

It worked, and the collection plate was full of twenty-dollar bills. It worked for weeks.

Then one Sunday, at the end of the sermon, the chain on the watch broke, and the preacher say "Crap!"
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Old 09-26-2008, 10:38 AM   #1573
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Way better than having someone at the mall page Heywood Jahblowme or Mike Hunt.
I had a friend who was married to a guy named Michael Hunt. Yeah. She got real tired of the jokes. Divorced now.
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Old 09-26-2008, 10:48 AM   #1574
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Realtor Dick Cox is still trying to sell a foreclosure up the street from me.
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Old 09-26-2008, 11:32 AM   #1575
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Realtor Dick Cox is still trying to sell a foreclosure up the street from me.
Hey, when the going gets tough they send for the really big...

Eh, never mind. I'm not playing slowpitch anymore.
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Old 09-26-2008, 02:38 PM   #1576
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Recently John McCain took some heat for not knowing how many houses he owns. Now, the media investigated how many vehicles he owns and has reported that he owns 13.

One Cadillac CTX

A Lexus

Ten Rascals

and a Hearse
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Old 09-26-2008, 03:14 PM   #1577
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The Seven Dwarves were working underground when their mine suddenly caved in. Snow White immediately ran to the entrance and yelled down to them at the top of her lungs.

In the distance a voice shouted out, "The Detroit Lions are good enough to win the Super Bowl!"

Snow White wiped her brow in relief and said, "Well at least Dopey's still alive!"
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Old 09-26-2008, 03:14 PM   #1578
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A young blonde came running in tears to her father.

“Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”

“I did? What did I tell you?” asked the father.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “There must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds.'”
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Old 09-26-2008, 03:15 PM   #1579
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Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert when they suddenly spotted a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go in whereupon they were greeted by dozens of beautiful women.

The three men decided to stay and for a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women.

Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.

The king went up the first man and demanded to know his occupation. The first man replied, "I’m a fireman."

The king told his army, "Burn off his penis."

Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer."

The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

Then finally the King asked the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."
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Old 09-26-2008, 03:15 PM   #1580
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After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important pig, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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