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Old 11-15-2008, 02:20 PM   #1641
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Jarhead, if you're out there reading this, this one's for you...

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.
At first I said, "Naaahhh! I already play 4 or 5 times a week."
Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."
Then I thought...

SHOOT, I could win this!
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Time to Rearrange the Letters...
Old 11-17-2008, 05:54 PM   #1642
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Time to Rearrange the Letters...

Rearrange The Letters

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
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Old 11-17-2008, 09:47 PM   #1643
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Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
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Old 11-20-2008, 12:58 PM   #1644
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A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Mississippi River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Americans had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower: "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
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Old 11-20-2008, 07:09 PM   #1645
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I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. As it was to me, and it's very well written.

'WINTER'

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

'****, It's Cold!'


The End
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Old 11-20-2008, 07:22 PM   #1646
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A chick singer comes on stage to sing a song with a jazz trio.

Singer: I'd like to sing All of Me in Eb.
Piano Player: Eb?
Singer: Yes, is that too fast?
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Old 11-20-2008, 08:09 PM   #1647
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
A chick singer comes on stage to sing a song with a jazz trio.

Singer: I'd like to sing All of Me in Eb.
Piano Player: Eb?
Singer: Yes, is that too fast?

Above my head Al, must be a muscians' joke.
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Old 11-20-2008, 09:09 PM   #1648
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
Above my head Al, must be a muscians' joke.
What do you call a bass player?

A guy who hangs out with musicians.
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Old 11-20-2008, 09:28 PM   #1649
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What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
.
.
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.
.
.
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.
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.
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.
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.
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.
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A-flat miner.
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Old 11-21-2008, 09:33 AM   #1650
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Q: "What's the difference between an accordion and a chainsaw?"

A: "You can tune a chainsaw."
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Old 11-21-2008, 10:06 AM   #1651
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
Above my head Al, must be a musicians' joke.
Right. The stereotype with "chick singers" is that they know nothing about music (e.g. "How do you know when there's a chick singer at your door?" "She has the wrong key and doesn't know when to come in.").

So in this case, the chick singer doesn't realize that what key a song is in doesn't have anything to do with how fast it's played.
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Old 11-21-2008, 02:27 PM   #1652
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a hint from Maxine and bbbamI...
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Scientists Discover New Element, Heaviest Known
Old 11-28-2008, 11:18 AM   #1653
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Scientists Discover New Element, Heaviest Known

I thought this was worth a chuckle. I found it here:
************************************************

Scientists Discover New Element, the Heaviest Yet Known to Science

Posted: 11/25/2008 at 01:36 PM
'


Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.z

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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A Little Humor........
Old 12-03-2008, 10:02 AM   #1654
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A Little Humor........

  • You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
  • When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  • A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
  • You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • A lot of money is tainted; 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture; a jab well done.
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This Thread is USELESS without pics.........:)
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Old 12-03-2008, 04:27 PM   #1655
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“Old Jethro’s next door makin’ moonshine again,” the wife told her husband.

“How can you tell?” he asked. “Did you smell it?”

“Nope. But a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the **** out of our cats.”
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Old 12-03-2008, 04:27 PM   #1656
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A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work.

“Honey, I have some really great news for you!” she said.

“Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!” he replied.

“I’m pregnant!” she said.

He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”

Then, she said, “Oh honey, there’s more!”

He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’”

She said, “Well, we aren’t having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!”
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Old 12-05-2008, 12:50 PM   #1657
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Children & Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader
Strike while the .........................Bug is close
It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of..........Termites
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty
No news is................................impossible
A miss is as good as a...................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new............math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
Love all, trust..........................me
The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
An idle mind is..........................The best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's...............pollution
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
A penny saved is..........................not much
Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way

And the favorite:

Better late than.........................pregnant.
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Old 12-05-2008, 02:04 PM   #1658
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Little Johnny and Sherri Loney are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Sherri's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Loney, me and Sherri are in love, and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Loney replies, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

So without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Sherri's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Loney says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Sherri."

So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Sherri makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month. That should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Loney is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Loney says, "Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

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Old 12-08-2008, 08:41 AM   #1659
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Our pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers.

A lady in our congregation stood and walked to the podium. "I have a praise," she said. "Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children, and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed
remnants and wrap wire around his scrotum to hold it in."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say,
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.
Our pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to
say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. "I'm Jim," he said, "and I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
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Old 12-09-2008, 10:24 AM   #1660
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Arithmetic Instruction Over the Decades


Posted: 11/11/2008 at 03:46 PM
1. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price. What is his profit?



2. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or $800. What is his profit?



3. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800. Did he make a profit?



4. Teaching Math In 2000

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200. Your assignment: Underline the number 200.



5. Teaching Math In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic now for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available.)
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