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A tale from my own family...
Old 12-12-2008, 08:17 AM   #1661
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A tale from my own family...

Back in jolly 'ole England, a week or so ago my sister had taken her daughter to hospital one evening so she called Dad to tell him everything was okay. A few months back Dad had acquired a cell phone in case he got stuck or lost while out on his little electric chair so she called him on that to get him used to using it. After a couple of futile attempts she gave up and called him on the land line. He answered immediately so she asked him if he had heard his cell phone ringing. "Oh, is that what that was? I thought it was the ice cream van". "Dad, its 8pm and snowing like crazy, who do you think is going to try and sell ice cream on winter night in a blizzard". "Well.... I did notice it was snowing otherwise I'd have gone out for one".

He's 83, still bright as a button but has his moments these days.......
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Old 12-12-2008, 10:55 AM   #1662
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Great one-liner's from the old "Hollywood Squares" TV show:

Q.Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning .

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter , and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm to o busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A Paul Lynde : Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter , I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde : Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wifeor your elephant?
A Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two
occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!
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Old 12-14-2008, 03:47 PM   #1663
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"Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!"


I know I hate when that happens to me
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Old 12-16-2008, 02:45 PM   #1664
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“Will the father be present during the birth?” asked the obstetrician.

“Nah,” replied the mother-to-be, “he and my husband don’t get along.”
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Old 12-16-2008, 02:45 PM   #1665
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Three men went out to play a round of golf -- Moses, Jesus and an old man. Moses teed off first, and the ball landed in the water. He parted the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.

Jesus teed off next, and the ball landed in the water. He then walked on the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.

Lastly, the old man teed off, but before the ball could hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball in its mouth. Then an eagle swooped down and caught the fish. Lightening then struck near the eagle, frightening it, and it dropped the fish. When the fish hit the ground, it dropped the ball in for a perfect hole in one.

Jesus and Moses turn to the old man, and Jesus said, "Dad, if you don't quit playing like that, we're not going to bring you anymore."
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Old 12-16-2008, 02:46 PM   #1666
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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they’d leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.

“NO WAY,” she exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
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Old 12-16-2008, 02:47 PM   #1667
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A young boy, about 8 years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Nope, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog!”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”
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Old 12-16-2008, 02:49 PM   #1668
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Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says, “I gotta go use the can.” So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 20 minutes.

His friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and asks, “What the hell are you doing?”

The first drunk replies, “Every time I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls.”

The second drunk looks at him and says “You dumb ass, you’re sittin’ on the mop bucket”
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Pet Owners
Old 12-16-2008, 06:41 PM   #1669
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Pet Owners

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - (pet nose height).

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by the FIA and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king- sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when you sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!
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Old 12-17-2008, 04:54 PM   #1670
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A man in a clerical collar checks into a hotel. After explaining all the hotel has to offer the clerk asks "is there anything else we can to to make your stay more enjoyable"? The man replies "Well, I certainly hope my porn channel is disabled". The clerk "Sorry you old pervert, we just have the regular kind".
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Kite Flying
Old 12-20-2008, 08:03 PM   #1671
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Kite Flying

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
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Old 12-21-2008, 12:33 PM   #1672
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Good one Alan. I was looking for some reference to "not being able to get it up" but I liked your version better.
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Old 12-21-2008, 12:57 PM   #1673
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Three missionaries were traveling in the Australian Bush...


One American...One Englishman...One Irishman..


They were taken captive by the dreaded Ubangi/Ubetcha tribe.


They got's a huge cauldron,about to boil,on the fire...


Chief say's to the American..."Got any Change?""Where you from"?


American...."Spokane Washington,...................an'I'm a 7th day Adventist"


Chief..."Get in the ****in' pot"




Chief say's to the Englishman......"Where you from?"


Englishman......."London England..an'I'm a Methodist"...




Chief..."Get in the ****in' pot"





Cheif turns to the Irishman....."Where you from?"




DUBLIN IRELAND,say's Paddy...an'I'm a Catholic......








"You can go".......say's the Chief"...











The American and the Englishman are pretty pissed off at this.....and politely enquire ..."WHY"








An' the Chief say's...................

















"Awe...........The last Irishman we put in the Pot....























"Ate all the ****in Potaoes".........
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Old 12-21-2008, 01:02 PM   #1674
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Old 12-21-2008, 01:08 PM   #1675
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New logos being rolled out for the recession:

Flickr Photo Download: Recession
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Old 12-23-2008, 10:28 AM   #1676
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A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex.



Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !
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Viagra vs. the Taliban
Old 12-26-2008, 09:12 AM   #1677
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Viagra vs. the Taliban

Not sure whether this thread should go here, in the joke thread or in the Soapbox...

"The Afghan chieftain looked older than his 60-odd years, and his bearded face bore the creases of a man burdened with duties as tribal patriarch and husband to four younger women. His visitor, a CIA officer, saw an opportunity, and reached into his bag for a small gift.

Four blue pills. Viagra.

"Take one of these. You'll love it," the officer said. Compliments of Uncle Sam.

The enticement worked. The officer, who described the encounter, returned four days later to an enthusiastic reception. The grinning chief offered up a bonanza of information about Taliban movements and supply routes -- followed by a request for more pills."

washingtonpost.com
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Old 12-26-2008, 09:16 AM   #1678
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Not sure whether this thread should go here, in the joke thread or in the Soapbox...
Maybe Health and Early Retirement?
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Old 12-26-2008, 09:17 AM   #1679
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cantlogin View Post
Maybe Health and Early Retirement?
This one has tentacles all over the place. But I don't know that the 60-something Afghani is retiring early. Sounds like he doesn't WANT to "retire" early, hence better living through chemistry...
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Old 12-26-2008, 09:49 AM   #1680
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That's all we need. Another Taliban uprising.
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