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Old 02-01-2009, 08:04 PM   #1721
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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:51 PM   #1722
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I know what you mean. Ever since eating has replaced sex as a primary activity, I can't even get into my own pants.
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The phone call
Old 02-02-2009, 05:56 PM   #1723
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The phone call

This is SOOO wrong:


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club, showering, getting
changed for the 19th hole. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man
picks it up, engages the hands-free speaker function, and begins a
conversation.

Man: "Hello?"

Wife: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

M: "Yes."

W: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw
a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

M: "What's the price?"

W: "Only $1,000."

M: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

W: "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
2010 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and
he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the
BMW that we bought last year..."

M: "What price did he quote you?"

W: "Only $60,000."

M: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W: "Great! But before we hang up, something else....."

M: "What?"

W: " I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house
we looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beach-front property."

M: "How much are they asking?"

W: "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price. It may seem like a lot, but I
was reconciling your bank account... and I see that we have enough in
the bank to cover the down payment."

M: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W: "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

M: "Bye... I love you too..."

The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap.

The other men are looking at him in astonishment and disbelief.

The man holds up the phone and asks, "Anyone knows who this phone
belongs to?"
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Lipstick in School
Old 02-05-2009, 12:31 PM   #1724
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Lipstick in School

An old joke but still funny

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. and then there are educators.
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Monkeys
Old 02-05-2009, 12:34 PM   #1725
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Monkeys

Another old one but still struck my funny bone and so appropo with the current stock market isn't it?


Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away, the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought”. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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Top Ten Polite Ways to say your Zipper is down
Old 02-05-2009, 12:36 PM   #1726
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Top Ten Polite Ways to say your Zipper is down

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down........
by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....


1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
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Old 02-05-2009, 12:44 PM   #1727
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After looking through a number of patient hospital charts, I made note of a several unusual entries that had been made:

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
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Old 02-05-2009, 07:17 PM   #1728
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Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.
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Old 02-07-2009, 01:00 PM   #1729
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I heard yesterday that local the pilot/hero who landed his plane safely on the Hudson has admitted that the pilots may have been partially at fault. Apparently, the geese honked first.
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Old 02-07-2009, 01:14 PM   #1730
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Speaking of news - the young lady who recently had 8 kids is in negotiation w/ Warner Bros. for a movie version of her story. A major stumbling block is that the desired title has already been used in the James Bond series.
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Old 02-07-2009, 01:28 PM   #1731
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Old 02-07-2009, 08:23 PM   #1732
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....
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Old 02-07-2009, 08:31 PM   #1733
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbbamI View Post
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah's picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith
Disappointment!
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Old 02-07-2009, 08:41 PM   #1734
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbbamI View Post
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah's picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

Thought that was funny. We have our own pic from just before Xmas:
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Old 02-08-2009, 09:22 AM   #1735
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Old 02-08-2009, 09:49 AM   #1736
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That's a classsic, Brewer. Be sure to save that.
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Old 02-08-2009, 10:26 AM   #1737
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
That's a classsic, Brewer. Be sure to save that.
We will. That and the ink that we can't get off the upholstery will be good reminders.
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The story of Nookie Green
Old 02-09-2009, 06:42 PM   #1738
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The story of Nookie Green

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

"Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months."

This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well," sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous,drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."
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Important Women's Health Issue....
Old 02-09-2009, 08:57 PM   #1739
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Important Women's Health Issue....

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
Dizziness, Nausea, Vomiting, Incarceration, Loss of motor control, Loss
of clothing, Loss of money, Loss of virginity, Table dancing, Headache,
Dehydration, Dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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Old 02-09-2009, 09:12 PM   #1740
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