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Old 02-21-2009, 02:53 PM   #1761
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Stephen Wright's thoughts on Language and Thinking
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
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Old 02-21-2009, 03:04 PM   #1762
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelB View Post
Stephen Wright's thoughts on Language and Thinking
With apologies to George Carlin.
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Old 02-21-2009, 03:20 PM   #1763
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A link to a page with lots of good humor, far too much to reproduce here or take credit for. Anyone interested in body art should check out the bodyart page - unless offended by unclothed bodies.

Quotes, Jokes and Other Funnies
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Old 02-21-2009, 04:05 PM   #1764
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Quote:
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A link to a page with lots of good humor, far too much to reproduce here or take credit for. Anyone interested in body art should check out the bodyart page - unless offended by unclothed bodies.

Quotes, Jokes and Other Funnies
I saw an awful lot of female body art at Woodstock 1999. Saw a lot of unpainted male body art too. Wooohooooooo.....
I wish I'd had the nerve to get painted myself, but I really didn't want to walk around topless all day. It would have made my back hurt.
Plus there were a lot of lowlife types wandering around, on all sorts of drugs or drunk as h*ll. I saw some of the girls who did get their breasts painted being harassed by wasted guys.
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:47 AM   #1765
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelB View Post
A link to a page with lots of good humor, far too much to reproduce here or take credit for. Anyone interested in body art should check out the bodyart page - unless offended by unclothed bodies.

Quotes, Jokes and Other Funnies
I think the elephant makes a another case for reconsidering circumcision...
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Old 02-25-2009, 02:01 PM   #1766
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In honor of the unmarried, unemployed, California mother of 14, (including the recent octuplets,) all by invitro, Dennys has announced a new breakfast special, THE SULMAN -14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
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Old 02-25-2009, 02:10 PM   #1767
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A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off…you're going to break something.”

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor.The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" She asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
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Old 02-25-2009, 04:25 PM   #1768
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Definition of liquidity - When you look at your investments and wet your pants.
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Old 02-25-2009, 05:59 PM   #1769
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Two old women were tending the garden and one pulls up two large potatoes
and shows the big round potatoes to her friend holding one in each hand.
"Reminds me of my Angus' privates !"
Her friend's jaw drops and asks "Your Angus is really that big?'
........"nope, that dirty"
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Old 02-28-2009, 01:06 PM   #1770
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Another new Illness to watch out for... Anal Glaucoma



A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.



'What's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'
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Old 03-01-2009, 09:14 AM   #1771
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In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum.
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Old 03-01-2009, 01:29 PM   #1772
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In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum.
I think that actually happened!
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Old 03-01-2009, 03:30 PM   #1773
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apparently a similar thing happened in Germany this year already

Ananova - Teen unplugged 'noisy' life support machine

A teenager in intensive care unplugged his neighbour's life support machine because the noise was keeping him awake.

Frederik Moelner, 17, said he had been trying to sleep as he recovered from a car crash but the noise of the life support machine as it helped 76-year-old Hermann Berghof breathe kept waking him up.

A police spokesman from Landshut in southern Germany said: "He told us the noise was getting on his nerves and he thought this was the best way to make sure he got peace and quiet.

"Luckily the medical staff acted promptly and reconnected the life support machine. If there had been any delay the old man could have died."

Moelner is now being questioned by police.
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Old 03-01-2009, 07:58 PM   #1774
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In this present time of economic uncertainty it is very important that we all project happiness and optimism.
Management has therefore provided the Happiness Kit below to all employees, please use it at all times:


All needed supplies will be delivered tomorrow. thank you for your cooperation.

NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES
ALL PERSONNEL WILL BE ISSUED THE FOLLOWING HAPPINESS KIT
All personnel will now be required to
look happywhile working. Company-approved supplies willbe provided to each employee at little or no cost.
  • Workloads getting to you?
  • Feeling stressed?
  • Too many priorities and assignments?

Here is the new low-cost, company-approved solution to cope with multiple priorities and assignments!

Each employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands.
(See Fig 1.)


Fig 1.



Assemble items as shown in Fig 2.

Fig 2.



Apply as shown in Fig 3.
Fig 3.





Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you to reach the end of a productive work day with a
smileon your face!

The
Management
















.







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New Financial Terms -inspired by the recession.
Old 03-02-2009, 10:42 AM   #1775
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New Financial Terms -inspired by the recession.

New Financial Terms inspired by the recession-



Anyone else have any to add?



CEO– Chief Embezzlement Officer


CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET– A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses.

BEAR MARKET– a 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING– The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO– The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR– Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST– Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT– When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION– The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO! – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS– What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR– Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – Archaic word no longer in use.
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Old 03-02-2009, 02:03 PM   #1776
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BUY and HOLD...on for dear life
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Old 03-02-2009, 04:32 PM   #1777
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AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little tipsy, and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the
dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men....are men.
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"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps by) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
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Old 03-06-2009, 07:32 PM   #1778
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Who's on First (revised)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO:! Yeah, f or my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?</SPAN>

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............?



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"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps by) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
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Old 03-07-2009, 04:45 PM   #1779
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Getting an early start on a stimulus package infrastructure project:



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Old 03-08-2009, 04:43 PM   #1780
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