Its funny joke Thursday!

[Alan]

Obviously this e-mail originated from a woman (a comedienne who had
mastered the use of technology).

MEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or card?" the cashier asks, after ringing up the items the
woman wishes to purchase. As she fumbles for her wallet, the cashier
notices a remote control for a television set in her handbag.

"So you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asks.

"No," she replies, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can
take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?"

He answers, "It's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the shop to get
me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of Golden Virginia
and some Rizla papers; 'because it's so-o-o-o much cheaper.'

"So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drive down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion led to an argument and neither of them wants to concede
their position. As they pass a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "
Yep," the wife replies, "in-laws."

WORDS
A man reads an article to his wife about how many words women use a day:
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replies, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men."

The man replies, "What?"

CREATION
A man says to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responds, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me, whereas God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife are having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. She says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

He says, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it,
because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

She says, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."

He replies, "WHAT?!?!? I can't believe that, show me."

She fetches the Bible, opens the New Testament and shows him at the top of
several pages, that it does indeed say ...

"HEBREWS"


THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife are having some problems at home and are giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realises that the next day,
he needs his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
writes on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left
it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, he wakes up, only to discover it is 9:00 AM and he has
missed his flight. Furious, he is about to go and see why his wife hasn't
awoken him, when he notices a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for such contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.

[Jarhead*]

OAP:

If you haven't run out of gas yet, fire away.

(The last two were Knee Slappers.)

[Dreamer]

OAP,

Laughing out loud is really good for people and as adults we do not get enough of it. Thanks for helping me to be healthier today. Those were hilarious! Keep them coming!

Dreamer

[OldAgePensioner]

Ex-Jarhead and Dreamer,* glad I could make ya's laught.* Here's one that I have to tone the words a bit and it loses a litted zing but you can add the "sauce" back when ya retell it.

--------------------
On his last evening in Vegas, OAP loses all but $2, so he totally busted.* He's got a plane ticket home so he goes out of the Casino and asks a cab driver to give him a ride to the airport and he'll pay him back later.* The cab driver tells him to "go f'* himself".

Well, OAP decides to just sleep on a bench and get the wife to wire money. So next morning he goes back to the taxi queue and there is the same driver lined up third in the queue.* OAP goes to the first driver and says "Hey, I'm broke but if you drive me to the airport, I'll let you perform oral sex on me". The cab driver, Unclemick2 says "f'off fag".* *He goes to the second guy in line and repeats the offer.* JohnGalt2u almost comes out of his cab but just tells him to "piss off and further more none of these drivers are queers". Both drivers get out and start talking about what had just been said.

He goes to the cab driver from the previous night. Ask's him "Can I get a lift to the airport". Cab driver says sure hop in.

As he pulls out past the first two drivers, OAP gives both drivers a big smile and a big thumbs up.

[Alan]

Go to this website, biggest one I've ever seen!

(Don't* worry, it's clean, and is being shown as an ad on UK TV)


www.bigad.com.au/

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have
her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious,underworld figure,
who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his
going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his
wallet, displaying the single dollar note that rested inside. Artie sighed,
rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment
for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Randalls
supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the
floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to
strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras
and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the
police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid
plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And
that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A BUCK AT RANDALLS."

[Jarhead*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by OldAgePensioner Ex-Jarhead and Dreamer,* glad I could make ya's laught.* Here's one that I have to tone the words a bit and it loses a litted zing but you can add the "sauce" back when ya retell it. -------------------- On his last evening in Vegas, OAP loses all but $2, so he totally busted.* He's got a plane ticket home so he goes out of the Casino and asks a cab driver to give him a ride to the airport and he'll pay him back later.* The cab driver tells him to "go f'* himself". Well, OAP decides to just sleep on a bench and get the wife to wire money. So next morning he goes back to the taxi queue and there is the same driver lined up third in the queue.* OAP goes to the first driver and says "Hey, I'm broke but if you drive me to the airport, I'll let you perform oral sex on me". The cab driver, Unclemick2 says "f'off fag".* *He goes to the second guy in line and repeats the offer.* JohnGalt2u almost comes out of his cab but just tells him to "piss off and further more none of these drivers are queers". Both drivers get out and start talking about what had just been said. He goes to the cab driver from the previous night. Ask's him "Can I get a lift to the airport". Cab driver says sure hop in. As he pulls out past the first two drivers, OAP gives both drivers a big smile and a big thumbs up.

Hey OAP: You told us this one about a month ago on this same thread. Don't want to discourage you though, because all three were
winners.

It gets worse, believe me.

I'm getting used to starting to explain a situation to me wife, and seeing a certain expression on her face, followed up by my stating, "did I tell you this already"?

Her follow up is, "at least 2 or 3 times.

You're on a roll, don't let me discourage you.

[OldAgePensioner]

Ex-Jarhead,
I know man , did I send the story about a marine recruit in boot camp and writing a letter home to maw and paw.

Also, there is a joke rolling around in my brain, that nearly caused me to break wind laughning and I can't conjure it out.

I have a good friend and I get him to laughing sometimes and his belly is rolling, tears are streaming and we both eventually can't talk without sounding like were gagging for breathe.

Life should be like that everyday.

[REWahoo]

So, it was getting a little crowded in Heaven and God decided to change the admission policy. The new rule: To get into Heaven, you must have had a real bummer of a last day on earth.

The next day at 12:01 a.m., the first new soul came knockin' on Heaven's door.

The Angel in charge, enforcing the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home unannounced to my 5th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was crying and carrying on, but I scoured the apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I glanced out onto the balcony and noticed a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of the SOB! Well, I ran out there and stomped on his fingers until he fell. But, wouldn't you know it, he lands in some trees and bushes that broke his fall. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get something to throw at him. The first thing I saw was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it onto the balcony and flipped it over the side. It plummeted the 5 floors and crushed him!

Unfortunately, the stress brought on by all of this was so great that I had a heart attack and died right on the spot."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy didn't belong, but he did have one very bad last day, guilty only of a crime of passion. So, the Angel said, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

Minutes later, another man approached. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, you must tell me what your final day was like."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I'm on the balcony of my 6th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I'd been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But then all of a sudden this wild man comes running out of his apartment cursing a blue streak and starts stomping on my fingers. Well, of course, I can't hold on. Luckily, I drop through some trees, breaking my fall, and I land in some bushes. I'm battered but alive. As I'm lying there face up on the ground unable to move, I see the lunatic push a refrigerator off the balcony. It falls the 5 floors and lands right on top of me. Lights out!"

The Angel quietly laughs to himself as the man finishes his story. "Very well, my son" the Angel says, "welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

Minutes later another man comes along. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says, "OK, now picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

[REWahoo]

Redneck Challenge

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart non-southerner to correctly answer more than two of the following questions:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before all the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state of Alabama vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for one old car, one old refirgerator and one old couch to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coalmine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them...

[moghopper]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo! I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South.

A young man from Tennessee was the first from his family to go away to college. At the semester break he came home to his family and was very proud of all he had learned.

"Dad, here's something else... the area of a circle is determined by Pi R squared."

His dad just looked at him... "You idiot! Pie are Round, not squared!"

[laurence]

this thread reminded me of this:

http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/redneck_rap

WARNING: High speed internet would help, if low speed, choose download film.

SECOND WARNING: Slightly (but only slightly) offensive material.

[haha]

Four nuns go to make their confessions. The first nun says “Father, I have sinned. I touched a man’s penis.”
The Father asks “Which hand did you use, Sister?”
“My right, Father.”
“Fine my child, just wash your right hand in the Holy Water fountain, then recite 20 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys.”

The second nun says “Father, I also touched a man’s penis, but with my left hand.”
The father replies, “Child,you must wash your left hand in the Holy Water fountain and also recite the same prayers.”

The Father asks the third nun if she also has a sin to confess. But before she could answer, the fourth nun excitedly interrupts and says. “Father, Father, please, I want to confess my sin before the Sister, because I want to wash out my mouth with the Holy Water before you make her wash her p*ssy.”

ha

[OldAgePensioner]

UncleMick2 was a journalism graduate from Arkansas and had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmer’s house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named John Galt) agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Galt replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.” “I can’t print that,” said the reporter.

“Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Galt thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.” Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack.

He asked Farmer Galt, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?” Farmer Galt hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”

[OldAgePensioner]

Hillary Clinton was campaigning up-state NY for Indian votes. After a tour of the reservation, she asked why there was a difference in the number of feathers in headdresses. She asked a brave, OAP, who had only one feather in his headress.

"Me have only one squaw, so me only have one feather." She asked another brave, Ex-Jarhead, feeling the first fellow was putting her on.

"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of of mates involved, she decided to interview the chief, UncleMick2, who had a headdress full of feathers.

"Me chief, me screw-em all."

"This is outrageous you ought to be hung!" a horrified Hillary said.

"Damn right, me hung like buffalo."

"You don't have to be so hostile!" cried Hillary.

"Hoss-style, dog-style, hog-style, wolf-style, any-style. Me screw-em all!"

"Oh dear!"

"No deer. Buttholes too high and run too fast. No screw-em deer."

Heh, heh, heh

[Eagle43]

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, "Your obsession is with money, again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol this too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

[haha]

Good jokes boys. Now that all the fighting has subsided, this has become my favorite thread.

Ha

[brewer12345]

TAMPONS:
"Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!"

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0999/cotton.html






This is a spoof, but it is totally plausible, IMO. No more outlandish than the ev. Fred Phelps.

[Caroline]

Some new ones in this old list...

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

-----------------------

On another West Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

------------------------

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

------------------------

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

-------------------------

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---------------------

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

-----------------------

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

-----------------------

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."

---------------------------

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

-----------------------------

Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

------------------------------

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---------------------

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

-------------------

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."

-----------------------

Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

-----------------------

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal, The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[dory36]

OK, haven't seen much terrorist humor, and if there's anything politically incorrect...





I was reading the paper in the local diner. The headlines mentioned the bombing of a Sao Paulo school bus,

Three Brazilian Boys Killed in Terrorist Bombing

A blonde walked by, and noticing the headline, broke down and sobbed, "When will it all end? My God, what a catastrophe!"

Slightly taken aback at the depth of her reaction, I sympathized with her, saying it was indeed a tragedy.

Regaining her composure, she asked, "How many is a brazilian, anyway?"

[MRGALT2U]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dory36 OK, haven't seen much terrorist humor, and if there's anything politically incorrect... I was reading the paper in the local diner. The headlines mentioned the bombing of a Sao Paulo school bus, Three Brazilian Boys Killed in Terrorist Bombing A blonde walked by, and noticing the headline, broke down and sobbed, "When will it all end? My God, what a catastrophe!" Slightly taken aback at the depth of her reaction, I sympathized with her, saying it was indeed a tragedy. Regaining her composure, she asked, "How many is a brazilian, anyway?"

OOh! That rates a "rim shot". Very good Dory!

JG