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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-12-2005, 09:49 AM   #161
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Hillary Clinton was campaigning up-state NY for Indian votes. After a tour of the reservation, she asked why there was a difference in the number of feathers in headdresses. She asked a brave, OAP, who had only one feather in his headress.

"Me have only one squaw, so me only have one feather." She asked another brave, Ex-Jarhead, feeling the first fellow was putting her on.

"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of of mates involved, she decided to interview the chief, UncleMick2, who had a headdress full of feathers.

"Me chief, me screw-em all."

"This is outrageous you ought to be hung!" a horrified Hillary said.

"Damn right, me hung like buffalo."

"You don't have to be so hostile!" cried Hillary.

"Hoss-style, dog-style, hog-style, wolf-style, any-style. Me screw-em all!"

"Oh dear!"

"No deer. Buttholes too high and run too fast. No screw-em deer."

Heh, heh, heh
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-12-2005, 06:41 PM   #162
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, "Your obsession is with money, again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol this too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-13-2005, 01:00 AM   #163
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Good jokes boys. Now that all the fighting has subsided, this has become my favorite thread.

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-13-2005, 02:35 PM   #164
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

TAMPONS:
"Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!"

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0999/cotton.html






This is a spoof, but it is totally plausible, IMO. No more outlandish than the ev. Fred Phelps.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-13-2005, 03:51 PM   #165
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Some new ones in this old list...

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

-----------------------

On another West Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

------------------------

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

------------------------

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

-------------------------

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---------------------

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

-----------------------

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

-----------------------

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."

---------------------------

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

-----------------------------

Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

------------------------------

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---------------------

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

-------------------

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways."

-----------------------

Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

-----------------------

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal, The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-13-2005, 07:07 PM   #166
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

OK, haven't seen much terrorist humor, and if there's anything politically incorrect...





I was reading the paper in the local diner. The headlines mentioned the bombing of a Sao Paulo school bus,

Three Brazilian Boys Killed in Terrorist Bombing

A blonde walked by, and noticing the headline, broke down and sobbed, "When will it all end? My God, what a catastrophe!"

Slightly taken aback at the depth of her reaction, I sympathized with her, saying it was indeed a tragedy.

Regaining her composure, she asked, "How many is a brazilian, anyway?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-13-2005, 07:10 PM   #167
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dory36
OK, haven't seen much terrorist humor, and if there's anything politically incorrect...





I was reading the paper in the local diner. The headlines mentioned the bombing of a Sao Paulo school bus,

Three Brazilian Boys Killed in Terrorist Bombing

A blonde walked by, and noticing the headline, broke down and sobbed, "When will it all end? My God, what a catastrophe!"

Slightly taken aback at the depth of her reaction, I sympathized with her, saying it was indeed a tragedy.

Regaining her composure, she asked, "How many is a brazilian, anyway?"
OOh! That rates a "rim shot". Very good Dory!

JG
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-13-2005, 08:27 PM   #168
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

American Football FINALLY makes sense!

A bloke takes his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They have
great seats right behind their team's bench. (Personally I'd prefer seats
in the North Stand behind the goal, but there you go.) After the game, he
asks her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replies, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, the bloke asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like: 'Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!'"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-14-2005, 08:45 AM   #169
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like: 'Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!'"
Wow, what a dumb blond, how did she know that it was a $.25 coin? It could have been a $.50 or even $1 coin.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-14-2005, 08:52 AM   #170
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MJ
Wow, what a dumb blond, how did she know that it was a $.25 coin? It could have been a $.50 or even $1 coin.
umm.... because they wanted to get the quarter ($.25) back?

It would have been different if they were yelling at the "half" or "full" back, I'm sure.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-17-2005, 04:32 AM   #171
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Rumsfeld tells Bush "okay, we're going to go to the middle east and kill 25,000 muslims and one blonde with really big boobs." Then Bush says "Wait, wait. Why are we killing a blonde with big boobs?"

Then Rumsfeld says "See, nobody is going to care about the 25,000 muslims"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-18-2005, 07:47 PM   #172
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I get plenty of sex, but lately it's all "hall sex."
She passes me and says F*** You.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-19-2005, 12:01 PM   #173
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

SUBJECT: ROE VS. WADE

Q: What is Governor Blanco and Mayor Nagin's position on Roe vs. Wade?

A: They really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-20-2005, 07:19 PM   #174
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A cajun story from the bayous.

Boudreaux and his wife are eating in a restaurant when a young lady starts to choke at the table next to them. Boudreaux jumps to his feet and rushes over. He pushes the lady forward over the table then bends down and sticks his head up her dress. Within moments the young woman coughs violently and an olive stone pops out of her throat onto the table. As Boudreaux sits back down his wife says, "Boudreaux, you really are getting good at that heine lick maneuver".

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-20-2005, 07:29 PM   #175
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most
advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It
appears to affect systems created prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-21-2005, 01:12 PM   #176
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Sorry... just couldn't wait until Thursday...


Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-21-2005, 01:44 PM   #177
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An insult to horses' asses.............*
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-21-2005, 06:34 PM   #178
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

.....and hats.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-22-2005, 06:35 AM   #179
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?
Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, Hello, son, is your Grandma home?
The little boy replied, Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.
The minister fainted!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-22-2005, 06:38 AM   #180
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

More ...You ARE a Redneck if......
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
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