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Old 04-18-2009, 01:11 PM   #1821
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Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
Nice story, but the math does not work.
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Old 04-19-2009, 11:30 PM   #1822
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam View Post
Nice story, but the math does not work.
It works better for a 10% return at $43/day...

FV = PMT * [(1 + %)^^n - 1] / %

PMT = FV / [(1 + %)^^n - 1] * %

Assume:
$3M future value
30 years (10,950 days not counting leap years)
10% simple annual interest rate, or .02739726%/day for 365-day year

PMT = $3M / [(1 + 2.739726EE-4)^^10950 - 1] * 2.739726EE-4

PMT = $43.08.


I mean, eh, Sam, you fell right into her trap:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
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The economy is soooo bad
Old 04-20-2009, 09:45 AM   #1823
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The economy is soooo bad

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.


Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Caterpillar and Citigroup.


McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names


A truck full of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty


Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting


People in poor countries are donating money to Americans


Motel Six won't leave the light on

The Mafia is laying off judges


And finally...


Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.


Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $2 Trillion disappear.
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Old 04-22-2009, 10:01 AM   #1824
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Old 04-22-2009, 12:15 PM   #1825
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I mean, eh, Sam, you fell right into her trap:
Don't we all?


Martha, please explain the last picture. Did he or did he not find happiness?
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Old 04-22-2009, 05:42 PM   #1826
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Don't we all?


Martha, please explain the last picture. Did he or did he not find happiness?
He found happiness. Now he needs a four leaf clover.
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Old 04-22-2009, 06:47 PM   #1827
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Does he go back to his wife, or will she forever wonder where he went, and die alone?
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Old 04-22-2009, 07:11 PM   #1828
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Old 04-22-2009, 07:13 PM   #1829
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I'm going back to that cheerier suicide thread . . .
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Old 04-23-2009, 09:19 AM   #1830
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Using Wikipedia's definition...
A scavenger hunt is a game in which individuals or teams seek to gather a number of specific items—usually not by purchase—or perform tasks as given by a list. The goal is usually to complete the list first.

I'm going to guess that despite finding happiness, his quest continues.
The list tells him he still needs to find a four leaf clover, which is universally symbolic of luck.

But he already has happiness and doesn't need to complete the list...and just doesn't realize it? The list is paramount.

Ok, that's enough deep thinking for moi today. I'm FIREd.

PS I thought it was interesting that the woman was rowing the boat while he professed his love.
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Old 04-23-2009, 10:11 AM   #1831
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Final scavenger hunt panel:

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Old 04-23-2009, 10:28 AM   #1832
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Well, at least he got his shark's tooth.
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Old 04-23-2009, 10:34 AM   #1833
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Old 04-23-2009, 11:57 AM   #1834
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Interesting facts about the human body….

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
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Old 04-23-2009, 12:49 PM   #1835
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I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. 'Honey? What's wrong' I asked.

'Oh, George! Just look at me: I'm getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I'm just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!'

I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: 'Your vision's real good, honey. That's something, isn't it?'

And that's when the fight started....

- - -

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....
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Old 04-24-2009, 02:18 PM   #1836
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A day late and a dollar short, but what the heck...

Little Johnny asks Questions

One day little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks: "Mom, how old are you?" Mom: "Now, now, John. That's a personal question. You don't ask those kinds of personal questions to women."
"How much do you weigh?" Mom: "You're too young to understand that you don't ask those kind of questions to women."
"Why did Dad leave us?" Mom: "You're too young to understand that too, I'll tell you when you're older"
So John goes back to school and tells little Tommy: "Tommy, my mom doesn't want to tell me how old she is or what she weighs. She doesn't answer any of my questions."
And little Tommy replies: "You should go into her wallet and look at her driver's license. All your questions will be answered."
So Johnny goes back home and look into his mom's purse and looks at her driver's license and goes to his mom:
"Mom, you're 39 years old." Mom: "Yeah that's right I am."
"And you weigh 142 lbs." Mom: "Yup that's right."
“One last thing... I know why Dad left us." Mom: "Oh really, why?"
"Because you got an F in sex"
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Old 04-24-2009, 04:41 PM   #1837
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars “


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard the old couple and said, “Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. And, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I'm impressed!”

Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”
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$50 is $50
Old 04-24-2009, 08:01 PM   #1838
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$50 is $50

Quote:
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”


Good one! DW did not think much of it tho...
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Welcome to the Forest...
Old 04-25-2009, 08:59 PM   #1839
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Welcome to the Forest...

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
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Old 04-26-2009, 12:30 PM   #1840
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A guy was driving around the back woods of East Texas and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

Talking Dog for Sale
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice-looking Beagle sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.'

' I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a bullshitter... He never did any of that ****. He
was neutered as a puppy and he was in the Coast Guard!'

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