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Old 05-22-2009, 10:02 AM   #1861
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I´m terrible at telling jokes, and, to compound the issue, this is not my native language.. Anyway, it goes something like this:
A man carrying a goat in his arms enters the bedroom where his wife is in bed reading, and he says "See darling- this is the cow that I f···· when you have a headache"
The wife replies "if you weren´t such an as···· you would notice that it is a goat"
The husband smiling says "if you weren´t such an as.... you would realise that I was talking to the goat"
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Old 05-22-2009, 10:04 AM   #1862
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Old 05-22-2009, 10:06 AM   #1863
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Originally Posted by bbbamI View Post
Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

He got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

He's such an @ss.....
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Old 05-22-2009, 01:29 PM   #1864
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Originally Posted by vicente solano View Post
I´m terrible at telling jokes, and, to compound the issue, this is not my native language.. Anyway, it goes something like this:
A man carrying a goat in his arms enters the bedroom where his wife is in bed reading, and he says "See darling- this is the cow that I f···· when you have a headache"
The wife replies "if you weren´t such an as···· you would notice that it is a goat"
The husband smiling says "if you weren´t such an as.... you would realise that I was talking to the goat"
For a guy whose native tongue is not English, you tell a very funny joke. Can't wait to read more.

Sam
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Old 05-22-2009, 05:47 PM   #1865
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For a guy whose native tongue is not English, you tell a very funny joke. Can't wait to read more.

Sam
I wish I had more jokes like that one! But don´t worry, if I come by any good joke I´ll pass it on. Some would be off colour-those I´ll PM!
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Old 05-23-2009, 11:39 AM   #1866
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Just keeeep running...

http://www.polyp.org.uk/cartoons/con...n_Rat_Race.jpg
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Old 05-23-2009, 02:54 PM   #1867
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Oh man! Too painfully accurate to be funny.
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Old 05-23-2009, 08:38 PM   #1868
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Im going to burn in hell for this one but here it goes

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Old 05-23-2009, 10:32 PM   #1869
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I'll show youse guys, but don't tell my gal:
In Between Meals: Ways to Kill Ur Husband
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Old 05-23-2009, 10:44 PM   #1870
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Old 05-25-2009, 01:56 AM   #1871
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A Finn and a Swede were having an argument on who's language was the more beautiful of the two.

As they were unable to reach an agreement, they decided to ask an English linguist to act as a neutral expert judge on the matter.

The renown researcher asked both parties to translate the following verse by Percy Shelley to their respective languages:

Island, island,
Grassy island,
Grassy island's bride.

The Finn answered first. His translation was:

Saari, saari,
Heinäsaari,
Heinäsaaren morsian.

Then came the Swede:

Ö, ö,
Hö ö,
Hö ös mö.
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Old 05-26-2009, 03:55 AM   #1872
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If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu -

ignore it.

It's just Spam.
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Old 05-26-2009, 07:09 AM   #1873
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If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu -

ignore it.

It's just Spam.
Nice pun!
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Old 05-26-2009, 08:56 AM   #1874
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...

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Old 05-26-2009, 01:04 PM   #1875
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Got this from a buddy of mine...he's sooo caring...



My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God the dogs weren't with her.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.











She was damn lucky........
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Old 05-27-2009, 05:01 AM   #1876
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me."
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Old 05-27-2009, 07:41 AM   #1877
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I always thought it was wheat bread.....
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Old 05-27-2009, 07:54 AM   #1878
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I always thought it was wheat bread.....
Me too... Jarhead's opines on the virtues of wheat bread
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yuk yuk
Old 05-28-2009, 09:50 AM   #1879
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yuk yuk

A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say: "Pick me up".

He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again: "Pick me up".

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
;
The man said: "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said: "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride .

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said: "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride".

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
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Old 05-29-2009, 11:11 AM   #1880
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I was going to save this for Valentines Day but felt poetic...

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
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