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Old 05-31-2009, 12:52 PM   #1881
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BBQ Rules

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to
refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoorcooking
activity.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of
events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1)The woman buys the food.
(2)The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3)The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4)The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding
activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5)THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6)The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7)The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips
the meat
Important again:
(8)THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9)The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10)After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11)Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12)The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off',and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.
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Old 06-01-2009, 05:47 AM   #1882
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Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
I was going to save this for Valentines Day but felt poetic...

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
It sure would make a great country song: It only needs a long and cheese title.
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Old 06-01-2009, 08:24 PM   #1883
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The Differences Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a stinking garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a worthless warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... .
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I feel so ... so ...." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
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Old 06-02-2009, 07:25 AM   #1884
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Oh how I wish it weren't true, but....
TY for starting my day with a really great belly laugh.
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Old 06-02-2009, 11:55 AM   #1885
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calmloki View Post
The Differences Between Men and Women



Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a stinking garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a worthless warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... .
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I feel so ... so ...." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
Veery good. And very revealing.
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Old 06-02-2009, 01:22 PM   #1886
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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So they buried Deirdre.
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Old 06-02-2009, 01:55 PM   #1887
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Judging by ElderdudeĻs joke -which is very good- it seems that itīs no holds barred.....Well itīs nice to know!
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Old 06-02-2009, 02:21 PM   #1888
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Just an FYI, vicente, it is definitely NOT no holds barred!

Sarah, on behalf of your friendly moderator team
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Old 06-02-2009, 04:03 PM   #1889
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Just an FYI, vicente, it is definitely NOT no holds barred!

Sarah, on behalf of your friendly moderator team
Donīt worry. Iīll behave. Any four letter word I use would be suitable spelled with the adequate number of *s. Now the problem is finding a joke that meets the standards....
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Old 06-02-2009, 08:00 PM   #1890
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You probably have heard this philosophical question:
"If a tree falls in a forest, and nobody is around to hear it, does it still make a sound?"


This was raised more than 100 years ago by George Berkeley as a riddle in the development of his theory called "subjective idealism". From Wikipedia,
this theory contends that individuals can only directly know sensations and ideas of objects, not abstractions such as "matter." The theory also contends that ideas are dependent upon being perceived by minds for their very existence, a belief that became immortalized in the dictum, "Esse est percipi" ("To be is to be perceived").


There have been variations of this riddle, such as the following,
If a tree falls on a mime and no one is around to hear, does either make a noise? - Anon

and

"If I say something in the woods, and my wife is not around to hear it, am I still wrong?". - Steven Wright (Comedian)

And here's a recent version.

If W2R made a "Whee" posting and you missed the thread and not read it, would your portfolio still get pummeled? - NW-Bound

(Hint: If you do not know the history of "Whee", use the forum search but reflect on your answer to the question first.)
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Old 06-02-2009, 08:22 PM   #1891
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NW-Bound View Post
You probably have heard this philosophical question:
"If a tree falls in a forest, and nobody is around to hear it, does it still make a sound?"


This was raised more than 100 years ago by George Berkeley as a riddle in the development of his theory called "subjective idealism". From Wikipedia,
this theory contends that individuals can only directly know sensations and ideas of objects, not abstractions such as "matter." The theory also contends that ideas are dependent upon being perceived by minds for their very existence, a belief that became immortalized in the dictum, "Esse est percipi" ("To be is to be perceived").


There have been variations of this riddle, such as the following,
If a tree falls on a mime and no one is around to hear, does either make a noise? - Anon
and
"If I say something in the woods, and my wife is not around to hear it, am I still wrong?". - Steven Wright (Comedian)
And here's a recent version.
If W2R made a "Whee" posting and you missed the thread and not read it, would your portfolio still get pummeled? - NW-Bound
(Hint: If you do not know the history of "Whee", use the forum search but reflect on your answer to the question first.)
And of course one more thing we learned to be true:

If Ziggy makes a purchase of USO, would the energy crisis be over?
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Old 06-02-2009, 08:50 PM   #1892
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Old 06-03-2009, 01:24 PM   #1893
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As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to be comprised of more and more women as our physicians and therapists, etc.

My family doctor just recently referred me to a "just out of medical school" female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous...as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said,

"Because I'm trying to examine you......."
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Old 06-03-2009, 01:25 PM   #1894
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Dating 1964



It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had a date
with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with
her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw
all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied
back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into
the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'It's the TWIST, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the
kitchen.

'The damn dance is called the TWIST!'
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Old 06-03-2009, 01:27 PM   #1895
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ziggy29
...reminds me of another old joke about the guy who was getting ready to go to bed next to his wife. He looks to her and says, "I never know if you want to get frisky before we fall asleep, so we need to create a clearer way to communicate. If you want to have sex, tug on me once. If you don't want to have sex, tug on me 100 times."
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Old 06-03-2009, 01:28 PM   #1896
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The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the mature male patient a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the patient objects.

"I cannot do the gas thing. The thought of having that gas mask on is suffocating me."

The dentist then asks if the patient has any objectionto taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I have no problem with pills."

The dentist returns and says "Here, take this Viagra tablet."

The patient exclaims "Wow! I didn't know Viagra was a pain killer."

"It isn't" said the dentist "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull that tooth!
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Old 06-03-2009, 01:28 PM   #1897
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Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman."

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. A very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy brunette. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
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Old 06-03-2009, 04:08 PM   #1898
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A car gets a flat tire on the interstate. The blonde driver pulls off onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two life sized cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backs up.

It isn’t very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, ‘What’s going on here?’ ‘My car broke down, officer’ says the woman calmly. “Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?” he asks.

“Helllooooooo!!!!” says the blonde. “Those are my emergency flashers!”
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Old 06-04-2009, 06:02 AM   #1899
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This one isnīt very good but I need to practice my English on all of you!
A young arrogant official of the Department of Agriculture visits a farm and tells the farmer in a very rude way that he is going to inspect the farm. The farmer, an old man, tells him to go ahead but not to go into the barn. The official, indignant, shows the farmer a card and tells him arrogantly and disdainfully: " Pops,you see this card? it allows me to go anywhere in your property without your questioning my actions or answering your questions, you get it? Or do I need to make myself clearer?
The farmer says nothing and lets him do his inspecting.
After a short while the farmer hears screams and sees the official running for his life, followed closely by a bull which is rapidly closing in on him....
The official sees the farmer and hysterically shouts at him: You, stupid old hick, help me help me!
The farmer, wryly, shouts back: You fool! The card, the card! Show him the card!
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Old 06-05-2009, 12:27 PM   #1900
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TURPENTINE VS HOLY WATER

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's @ss, he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
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