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Old 06-06-2009, 04:24 PM   #1901
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom...'
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Old 06-07-2009, 11:29 PM   #1902
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Mathematics, the Queen of the Sciences, requires rigorous proofs before any statement can be accepted as true. The following example told by Professor Smullyan illustrates this.

A lawyer, a physicist, and a mathematician were riding in a train traversing a hilly field in Scotland. Gazing out the window, they all saw a lonely black sheep on the hill side.

Excited, the lawyer exclaimed
"Scottish sheep are black".

The physicist gave the lawyer a dirty look before correcting him.
"At least one of the Scottish sheep is black".

The mathematician rolled his eyes, cleared his throat, then slowly intoned
"On a Scottish hill side, there exists one sheep. At least one side of said sheep is black".
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Old 06-09-2009, 10:29 AM   #1903
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling .

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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Old 06-09-2009, 11:27 AM   #1904
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Originally Posted by bbbamI View Post
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling .

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Simply great
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Old 06-09-2009, 11:38 AM   #1905
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Im terrible at telling jokes, and, to compound the issue, this is not my native language.. Anyway, it goes something like this:
A man carrying a goat in his arms enters the bedroom where his wife is in bed reading, and he says "See darling- this is the cow that I f when you have a headache"
The wife replies "if you werent such an as you would notice that it is a goat"
The husband smiling says "if you werent such an as.... you would realise that I was talking to the goat"
DH and I bought a car last week; when we walked into the showroom I heard a salesperson ask if anyone knew any good jokes. I said I had just read a very funny dirty joke.

I had to tell this joke to about six people--different salespeople (all guys of course ) kept coming over and asking to hear my joke. We got the floormats thrown in as a sign of their appreciation.
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Old 06-09-2009, 11:44 AM   #1906
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Old 06-09-2009, 12:09 PM   #1907
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Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
DH and I bought a car last week; when we walked into the showroom I heard a salesperson ask if anyone knew any good jokes. I said I had just read a very funny dirty joke.

I had to tell this joke to about six people--different salespeople (all guys of course ) kept coming over and asking to hear my joke. We got the floormats thrown in as a sign of their appreciation.
Its the best compliment received by the joke. I dont know if my next jokes will live up to that standard. Thank you for showing it around
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Old 06-10-2009, 06:57 PM   #1908
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A recent survey asked people in France if they believed there was too much immigration into their country..

28% said: YES


72% said: معهد الأمن لعالمي بوا! شنط
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Old 06-11-2009, 01:02 PM   #1909
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RELIGION:
Schoolmaster:Now you are sure youve got the Catechism all buttoned up, Foster?
Foster: Im still a bit hazy about the Trinity, sir.
Schoolmaster: Three in One, One in Three, perfectly straightforward. Any doubts about that see your maths master.
I hope nobody takes offence. Im a Catholic myself, even though not too devout.
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Old 06-11-2009, 03:42 PM   #1910
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Every ten years, the monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to say just two words.
Ten years go by and one of the monks gets his first chance. He says "Food bad".
Ten years later, he says "Bed hard".
A decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says "I quit".
"Im not surprised", the head monk says. "Youve been complaining ever since you got here".

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Old 06-12-2009, 10:50 AM   #1911
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Old 06-15-2009, 08:09 AM   #1912
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For our good doctors here

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Old 06-16-2009, 06:56 AM   #1913
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SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied, "two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it? "

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation;
can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore and
can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
I've lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour but,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill in.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
" For fast relief."

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember this:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing.
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Kitty, kitty...
Old 06-16-2009, 07:10 AM   #1914
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Kitty, kitty...

Cat Lover or Not ?

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
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Old 06-16-2009, 02:51 PM   #1915
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The premise of this joke was recently used in the new Showtime series, Nurse Nancy, starring Edie Falco. Very funny.
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Redneck fire alarm
Old 06-16-2009, 06:46 PM   #1916
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Redneck fire alarm

No batteries required...
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Old 06-16-2009, 09:49 PM   #1917
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Here's another joke by Professor Smullyan.

A mathematician asked his friend, a statistician, why he drove and never took air travel. His friend replied

"I have computed the probability of a bomb being on an airplane. It is low, but not low enough for my comfort, so I would rather drive".


Some time later, the mathematician saw his friend at the airport. Surprised, he asked his friend how he changed his mind, or if his original computation was incorrect.

The friend said
"No, my original calculation of the bomb risk stands. However, I subsequently computed the probability of 2 bombs being on an airplane at the same time. Now, that is really low, and I can handle that".

"So, for now I just carry my own bomb".
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Old 06-18-2009, 11:10 AM   #1918
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Archeological find!

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be out-done by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and hortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, a local newspaper in Texas, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his 2000 acre pasture near Cut-n-Shoot, Montgomery County, Texas , Bubba Rathbone, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.

Thank God for Bubba!

We TEXANS are an intelligent bunch.....
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Old 06-18-2009, 01:12 PM   #1919
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"We TEXANS are an intelligent bunch"
I dont want anobody to take offense, believe me. Least of all Texans!

"TEXAN WOMAN: Are you a homo?
We dont have homos in Texas-live ones, anyway".(Susan Harris, Soap ABCTV 1978)
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Old 06-18-2009, 01:14 PM   #1920
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I loved Soap!
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