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Old 06-23-2009, 06:36 PM   #1941
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One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

'One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

'The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee replied, 'The one you feed.'
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Old 06-23-2009, 06:36 PM   #1942
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Watch out HFWR is on a roll..................
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Old 06-24-2009, 07:09 AM   #1943
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1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - And I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had Died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed Me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?' . . . I asked. 'The patch.... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name


AND FINALLY!!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.'

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name.
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Old 06-24-2009, 07:25 AM   #1944
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Look, Twinkies...
How many Twinkies?
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Old 06-24-2009, 08:27 AM   #1945
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Walt34 View Post
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - And I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
Don't worry; I'm a doctor...
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Old 06-24-2009, 11:13 AM   #1946
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1


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had Died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
This reminds me of when my dad was in the hospital for phlebitis. My little brother went around telling people our dad had flea bites.
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Old 06-24-2009, 04:40 PM   #1947
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THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers...
Slowly and in Order!! Be Careful to not
MISS ANY!

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
Finished?

Scroll down
.....................







GOOD ! TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's !


It takes so little to amuse old people.
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Old 06-24-2009, 04:54 PM   #1948
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SOMEBODY SHOULD SLAP THIS SMART*** WITH A TEMPORARY-LETS SAY 15 MIN.-BAN FROM THIS FORUM!
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Old 06-24-2009, 05:49 PM   #1949
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Did you ever notice that "The IRS" spells "theirs"...
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Old 06-24-2009, 07:50 PM   #1950
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Did you ever notice that "The IRS" spells "theirs"...
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Old 06-26-2009, 07:41 AM   #1951
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This guy's my hero!

Here is a guy who knew how to plan ahead

A Well-Planned Retirement From The London Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7). This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.

Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "We'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $620) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7.6 million)!

And no one even knows his name.
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Old 06-26-2009, 07:49 AM   #1952
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Cute joke. But just a joke, says Snopes. I was disappointed.
snopes.com: Bristol Zoo Carpark Attendant
Quote:
Originally Posted by Walt34 View Post
This guy's my hero!.

Here is a guy who knew how to plan ahead

A Well-Planned Retirement From The London Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7). This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.

Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "We'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $620) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7.6 million)!

And no one even knows his name.
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Old 06-26-2009, 08:00 AM   #1953
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GOOD ! TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's !


It takes so little to amuse old people.
Too funny, except I scrolling backwards from last post.
Saw the punchline first
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Old 06-26-2009, 08:43 AM   #1954
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Harry, age 93, and Bettie, age 91, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
On the way they pass a drugstore. Harry suggests they go in.

Harry addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes, I am."
Harry: "We're about to get married. Do you sell irregularity potions?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Harry: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Harry: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Harry: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Harry: "Medicine for memory problems and arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Harry: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and Geritol?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Harry: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Harry: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Harry: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."


Harry: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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Old 06-27-2009, 02:12 PM   #1955
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'Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches,
it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--
what you do today,
might burn your @ss tomorrow......'
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Old 06-27-2009, 03:59 PM   #1956
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Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. .

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers! '
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Old 06-28-2009, 04:40 PM   #1957
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'Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches,
it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--
what you do today,
might burn your @ss tomorrow......'
Come onnnnnnnnn, ice cream...but that's yet another joke...
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Old 06-28-2009, 05:25 PM   #1958
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Well...I'm waiting....
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Old 06-28-2009, 05:28 PM   #1959
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Well...I'm waiting....
You've NEVER heard the jalapeno and ice cream joke?
Our military guys may chime in...the version I heard involved an AF Lt., as told to me by a Capt.
I'll be rotten and keep ya in suspense.
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Old 06-28-2009, 08:28 PM   #1960
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You've NEVER heard the jalapeno and ice cream joke?
Our military guys may chime in...the version I heard involved an AF Lt., as told to me by a Capt.
I'll be rotten and keep ya in suspense.
Since your version involves the Air Force and spicy food, I'm going to defer to REWahoo.

Otherwise it'd be a joke about a submarine sewage tank...
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