It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[JJPIES60]

The Osama Bin Laden Cocktail --- Two shots and a splash of water.

[jIMOh]

If you watch Osama bin Laden's life backwards, its about an ocean zombie that builds skyscrapers out of airplanes.

[braumeister]

German Engineering Meets Arab Technology

Looks like VW is still putting out a fine product!
They could never get away with this advertisement in the U.S.

In the United Kingdom and Ireland it is the most popular TV commercial playing. People call in to learn the schedules for showing this commercial.

Gotta love that German Engineering!

(No offense meant to anyone, this is just funny.)

YouTube - German Engineering vs Arab Technology

[Walt34]

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS .


It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[Walt34]

Shopper Injured In Georgia

Augusta, Georgia - Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy informed the police he had observed a male customer, later identified as T. Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket. When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door. Outside on the sidewalk there were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. P. Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe. After police and ambulance personnel arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject in question was also transported to the local hospital having sustained two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw. These injuries were sustained when he slipped and fell off the curb after stabbing the Marine.

Now that's a well written police report.

[BigNick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by braumeister They could never get away with this advertisement in the U.S. In the United Kingdom and Ireland it is the most popular TV commercial playing. People call in to learn the schedules for showing this commercial.

FWIW, this is all untrue. This commercial has never been shown on TV in the UK. It's an example of what ad agencies do when they're trying to win awards (which is what most creative people in ad agencies think about when they get a commission) - you have to push the envelope sometimes. Fortunately this one ended up on the cutting-room floor.

[braumeister]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigNick FWIW, this is all untrue. This commercial has never been shown on TV in the UK.

Thank you, BigNick. I make it a practice to always check things like this with snopes.com, but this came from a trusted source and doesn't appear on snopes so I believed his introduction. Serves me right for not verifying it. Still pretty funny, though.

[BigNick]

Not so much a joke as a "WTF?". I just received the attached clipping by e-mail. Some googling reveals that it's a recent story (eg here).

[TromboneAl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigNick FWIW, this is all untrue. This commercial has never been shown on TV in the UK. It's an example of what ad agencies do when they're trying to win awards (which is what most creative people in ad agencies think about when they get a commission) - you have to push the envelope sometimes. Fortunately this one ended up on the cutting-room floor.

I had a feeling that it was one of those ads designed to go viral on the net -- never intended for TV. Like this one (youtube dot com/watch?v=Gz-sC-vSIXk) (warning, contains cat cruelty).

[Nuiloa]

I really needed a drink today and my bartender suggested a new one called the "bin Laden": two shots and a splash of water

[VaCollector]

Not a joke....at least I don't think so....

[Bestwifeever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by VaCollector Not a joke....at least I don't think so....

Colors photoshopped a little in the cartoon, but that's hilarious! I see this one too:

[packrat44]

MARRIED 30 YEARS
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

[packrat44]

[Sam]

Don't mess with it. It's not broken.

[Webzter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hakuna matata Country-Western Song Titles I'd like to See I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

Weird Al - Since you've been gone

YouTube - "Weird Al" Yankovic - Since You've Been Gone

Last line... "I feel almost as bad as I did, when you were still here"

[Elderdude]

Reverend Calvert Fitzgerald
Box 10413
Lubbock, Texas 79408
Perhaps you have heard of me and my campaign in the cause of temperance. Each year for the last fifteen years, I have made a tour of communities between Delight, Arkansas, and Cassville, Missouri, and delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking and the sins of the flesh.

On these tours, I have been accompanied by my good friend and assistant, Irving O'Brien. Irving, a man of good family and excellent background, is a pathetic case whose life was ruined by excessive indulgence in wine, whiskey, illicit relationships with women, not to mention beer, gin, rum and marijuana.

Irving would appear with me at the lectures and sit behind me on the platform, alternating staring at the audience through bleary eyes, slobbering, sobbing, and drooling at the mouth whenever a women's dress moved up an inch or so. I would point him out to the people as an example of what of drinking and running around would do, and sometime tears would run down from his bloodshot eyes.

Last spring, unfortunately, Irving died. A mutual friend has given me your name, and I wonder if you would care to take Irving's place on my upcoming fall tour?
Yours in faith,
Reverend Calvert Fitzgerald

[braumeister]

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

[brewer12345]

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

[kevink]

The ultimate "why ER" comic?

http://pearlswine.livejournal.com/610647.html