It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[bruce1]

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

[bruce1]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.


Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...I'm a rabbit in Saskatchewan.

[jIMOh]

If Tim tebow scores on a hail mary pass, what happens?

[brewer12345]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jIMOh If Tim tebow scores on a hail mary pass, what happens?

The second coming.

[brewer12345]

...

[HFWR]

A communist, a Muslim, and a lawyer walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "What would you like, Mr. President"?

[brewer12345]

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and It's all organized by the Italians.

[brewer12345]

I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana

[TromboneAl]

From Larry the Cable Guy:

I went into the pharmacy to ask about Viagra.

"Can I get it over the counter?" I asked.
The pharmacist replied "I don't know how big it will get."

[bruce1]

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart:

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down and still wear shorts and T-shirts.

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadians have the last cookout of the season

0 Fahrenheit (-17..9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians Girl Guides still sell cookies door-to-door.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get a day off of work to go tobogganing.

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

[aldo]

God's sense of humor

While creating wives, God promised men that good and
obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He smiled and made the earth round.

[mickeyd]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office
in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway -- he had all the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."The agent said, "Young man, I hate to tell you, but in order to make it in Hollywood, you're going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name!" the guy exclaimed. "The van Lesbian name is centuries old and I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I've worked in this town for years. You will NEVER go anywhere in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE to change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we won't be doing business together," the guy said and left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opened an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope: a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent was awe-struck. He can't imagine who would ever just send him $50,000? So he read the enclosed letter... Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my given birth name, I refused. You told me I'd never make it in Hollywood With a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke

[Elderdude]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death, or I have sex with you.” After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So, he bent over, and the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death, or I have rough sex with you.” Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So, he bent over again, and the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?”

[BigNick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and It's all organized by the Italians.

I prefer the version where the police are replaced by the comedians. The German police are generally pretty nice guys these days; the British police, not so much.

[Alan]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
and that night we had the most amazing sex ever..........
Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?


Times have changed...

[Zero]

Two Southern rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom.
I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listenand see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give
me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and
throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a
rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up
to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and
trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible.
I had him chained to a transmission!"

[mickeyd]

[mickeyd]

[eytonxav]

A NEW WORD IS BORN
I knew someone would find a name for
our election process this coming year.

ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION:the inability to become
aroused over any of the choices for President put
forth by either party in the 2012 election year.

[TromboneAl]

And if it lasts more than 4 years...