It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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RetireBy90 said:
I bought a cool nail guy haven't had a chance to use yet :cool:
Click to expand...

I think buying a "cool nail guy" is probably illegal. But, since you already own him, how do you plan on using him?

note: emphasis by the duck
 
Recent remark to me from a friend:

"I was trying to come up with several jokes about your retirement - but none of them worked".
 
redduck said:
I think buying a "cool nail guy" is probably illegal. But, since you already own him, how do you plan on using him?

note: emphasis by the duck
Click to expand...

Ok, ok, spell checker bites again. Nail GUN, I’m the nail guy
 
redduck said:
I think buying a "cool nail guy" is probably illegal. But, since you already own him, how do you plan on using him?

note: emphasis by the duck
Click to expand...


You know... the other day I was in the grocery and this woman had her 10 YO or so daughter sitting in the basket and she was playing games... it ran across my mind to say either 'where did you find that in the store' or 'those things cost a lot, are you sure you want to buy one'....


But, kept my mouth shut :LOL:
 
Texas Proud said:
You know... the other day I was in the grocery and this woman had her 10 YO or so daughter sitting in the basket and she was playing games... it ran across my mind to say either 'where did you find that in the store' or 'those things cost a lot, are you sure you want to buy one'....


But, kept my mouth shut :LOL:
Click to expand...


Brings to mind this scene:


 
Texas Proud said:
You know... the other day I was in the grocery and this woman had her 10 YO or so daughter sitting in the basket and she was playing games... it ran across my mind to say either 'where did you find that in the store' or 'those things cost a lot, are you sure you want to buy one'....


But, kept my mouth shut :LOL:
Click to expand...

I am waiting for the next time I see a kid on a leash in the airport. Can't wait to ask, "Is he a rescue?"
 
Another joke from Isaac Asimov:

During WWI, a German soldier on the eastern front expressed his absolute certainty of victory. "Franz", he said, "we Germans are pious people who pray to God the eve before each battle. How can we lose?"

Franz said, "Yes, Dietrich, I know that. But the Russians are pious, and they pray to God before each battle too."

Dietrich protested "But who understands Russian?"
 
brewer12345 said:
I am waiting for the next time I see a kid on a leash in the airport. Can't wait to ask, "Is he a rescue?"
Click to expand...
I was at DisneyWorld this spring, riding the monorail to the Magic Kingdom. As the train was approaching the station, an announcement came over the speakers, "Take small children by the hand."

So I did. Boy, did I get in trouble for that! But they told me to do it!

The announcement is real. I laughed every time I heard it.
 
I would feel sorry for such parents.

F6JTAVB1M8D0DA0G-pad728x389xx444x.img
 
Irish Daughter

Ok, I know it isn't Thursday yet

An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
understand what ye put yer old mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff ....dad.... I became a prostitute"
"Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for
£5 million.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ...
(takes a breath) . "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's
Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and ...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff,
sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
 
A couple were walking along side a roaring river, They did not know how to cross it.

Upon seeing a pretty blond on the other side of the river they shouted out" How do we get to the other side?"

She said --- "You already are!!"
 
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair'.
 
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What's it called when a Chameleon can't change colors anymore?

A Reptile dysfunction.
 
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
 
A sultan was entertaining a western visitor, when somehow the topic of sexual prowess came up. They agreed to a challenge, whereby the sultan would share his harem with his visitor to see who would make love to the most concubines that night.

The Westerner made love to 3 women that night, and after each time he marked a scratch on the tent interior wall.

In the morning, the sultan entered his visitor's tent, and asked how his guest did last night.

The Westerner pointed to the 3 marks that he made, and said "Regretfully, my ability was not as great as I thought".

The sultan was flabbergasted: "Oh, Master, I have never met someone like you. I tried hard, but you have beaten me by 2".

It was the Westerner's turn to be surprised "What do you mean you trailed me by a count of 2?"

The sultan sighed "Yes, I did better than I had ever done, but after 109, I just could not go on anymore".
 
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Men's Rules

Please note, these are all numbered 1 on purpose.

1. Men are NOT mind readers

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.


1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.


1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and
neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is
also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,'
We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting, fishing,
golfing, or something with wheels.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
 
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