It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[harley]

This is supposed to be a "funny" joke thread.

[Alan]

SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, "I'll take the soup."

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.
One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.
I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of
your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell
me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[mickeyd]

Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!


The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news.

You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.

So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'



After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.



The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,' Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[bbbamI]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages
EnglishI Love You
Spanish Te Amo
FrenchJe T'aime
Germanlch Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
ThaiPhom rak khun
ItalianIt amo
ChineseWo Ai In
Swedish Jag Alskar
Alabama , Arkansas , Kansas , Oklahoma , Texas , North Carolina , South Carolina . Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia,Kentucky , and parts of Florida
Nice @ss , Get in the truck

[Meadbh]

20 ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers - Telegraph

[Notmuchlonger]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bbbamI How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages EnglishI Love You Spanish Te Amo FrenchJe T'aime Germanlch Liebe Dich Japanese Ai Shite Imasu ThaiPhom rak khun ItalianIt amo ChineseWo Ai In Swedish Jag Alskar Alabama , Arkansas , Kansas , Oklahoma , Texas , North Carolina , South Carolina . Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia,Kentucky , and parts of Florida Nice @ss , Get in the truck

Well we say that in Californiaaaa too maam

[freebird5825]

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Elderdude]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him
in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. “Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“What's the bad news?” asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well I guess that isn't too bad,” the hunter replied, “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly,” answered the doctor, “She's a flute player in the symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.”

[Notmuchlonger]

Brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!"

and the blonde looks up and says "Where?





What's the difference between a stockbroker and a pigeon?





a pigeon can still make a deposit on a Lexus


Haheheheh...ah yes laughter the best medicine

[mickeyd]

[bbbamI]

Two fleas had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami he's all blue shivering and shaking nearly froze to death!

The other flea asks him"What happened to you?"

The first flea says"I rode down here from Milwaukee in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying"That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there look for a nice stewardess.. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by.. When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blueand shivering and shaking again. Nearly froze to death.

The second flea says"Didn't you try what I told you?"

"Yes" says the first flea"I did exactly as you said. I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley."

[RonBoyd]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bbbamI When I woke up I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley."

Ah, pooh. I tried to find it on Youtube but failed:

The Ally McBeal joke

I was quite interesting to watch Calista Flockhart tell it... the reactions to it also.

[Alan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bbbamI When I woke up I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley."

The first time I heard this joke it was Omar Sherif and Rachel Welch. Good jokes don't die, they get re-born.

[mickeyd]

New scam on older men. Beware!

When you stop at a red light a young nude woman comes up and pretends to wash your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals everything in the car.

They are very good at this. They got me 7 times on Friday, 5 times on Saturday.

I couldn't find them on Sunday.

[Notmuchlonger]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mickeyd New scam on older men. Beware! When you stop at a red light a young nude woman comes up and pretends to wash your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals everything in the car. They are very good at this. They got me 7 times on Friday, 5 times on Saturday. I couldn't find them on Sunday.

Muahah!

[bbbamI]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*****************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake; put the window down.
4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release parking brake.

[bbbamI]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said,

'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

[calmloki]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

[mickeyd]

This really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.


When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

[Bestwifeever]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be
able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty

years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank
which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for the more than three decades she had
'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any
idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'


That's when she shot him.


You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.