Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Lawyer jokes
Old 07-30-2013, 05:08 PM   #1
Full time employment: Posting here.
SumDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 799
Lawyer jokes

Anyone got any (not too insulting) lawyer jokes? Doing a presentation tomorrow and I want to get them loosened up early....
__________________

__________________
SumDay is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 07-30-2013, 05:19 PM   #2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
travelover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 9,889
This should get you started...............or killed.

Lawyer Jokes - The Good, the Bad and the Dirty

185 Lawyer Jokes
__________________

__________________
Yes, I have achieved work / life balance.
travelover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 05:26 PM   #3
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Pasadena CA
Posts: 2,695
Lawyer humor:

__________________
T.S. Eliot:
Old men ought to be explorers
yakers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 05:40 PM   #4
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Chuckanut's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: West of the Mississippi
Posts: 6,331
A lawyer dies and ends up talking to St. Peter at the Pearly gates. St. Peter looks over his life and paperwork and says "Well, you were far from perfect, but not that bad, and we don't get many lawyers up here, so we can admit you to heaven."

The lawyer enters heaven and finds people crowding all around him, congratulating him, then a huge parade is thrown in his honor. He finds a huge statue of his likeness has been placed for all to see. And a holiday is named in his honor.

Dumfounded, he finds St. Peter and asks why the fuss over a guy who is just so-so. "Simple" says St. Peter. "You are the oldest person ever to make it to heaven!" "That can't be", says the lawyer, "I was only 67 when I died." "Nonsense", says St. Peter, "We've seen your billable hours, you must have been at least 1000 years old!"
__________________
The worst decisions are usually made in times of anger and impatience.
Chuckanut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 05:50 PM   #5
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 69
What's the difference between a pity and a shame?

If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors, that's a pity.

If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.

[Note: I'm a lawyer and collect lawyer jokes.]
__________________
ocdokie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 06:04 PM   #6
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
frayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: 19th Hole
Posts: 2,531
Why don't sharks eat lawyers, professional curiosity.
__________________
A totally unblemished life is only for saints.
frayne is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 06:05 PM   #7
Full time employment: Posting here.
SumDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 799
Oooh, keep 'em coming!

ocdokie, I was going to ask if lawyers are sensitive to lawyer jokes. I guess not in your case, huh?
__________________
SumDay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 06:28 PM   #8
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 33
Why are lawyers buried 10 feet deep instead of the normal 6 feet?
Deep down, lawyers are good people too!
__________________
freetodream is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 06:41 PM   #9
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by SumDay View Post

ocdokie, I was going to ask if lawyers are sensitive to lawyer jokes. I guess not in your case, huh?
Nope, lawyer jokes don't offend me. In addition to my practice as a government lawyer, I taught CLE* courses at least once a year, and always began with a lawyer joke. Ninety-nine percent of the audience was lawyers, and they seemed to enjoy them.

*Continuing legal education
__________________
ocdokie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 08:21 PM   #10
Administrator
Gumby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 10,146
What do you get when you cross a pig and a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.
__________________
Living an analog life in the Digital Age.
Gumby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 08:39 PM   #11
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
RunningBum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,182
President Obama, a lawyer, an old priest, and a young hiker are on a small plane. The plane's engine fails, and the pilot looks back at the passengers and says "I hate to tell you, but we've got just 4 parachutes--and I'm taking one!" Out the plane he goes.

The other 4 look at each other and the 3 remaining parachutes, and Obama clears his throat and says "Well, I AM the president." The other 3 say "Of course, by all means, take a parachute" and off the plane he goes.

Next the lawyer quickly makes his case.

"I may not be president, but clearly I have more to offer society than either of you two do. I'm a Harvard educated attorney, top of my class, with plenty of years left to practice law. I'm smarter than either of you, I've got more to live for, and I'm more important. I'm not even going to ask. I'm taking one of those parachutes." Out the plane he goes.

The priest looks at the young hiker and says "Son, I've lived a long and fruitful life. I'm ready to accept my reward in the afterlife. You take the last parachute."

The hiker replies "No worries, father. That smart, important Harvard lawyer just jumped off the plane with my backpack!"
__________________
RunningBum is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 09:38 PM   #12
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 5,326
This actually happened: In grade school, one of our kids insisted that one of his friend's dads worked at the zoo. I told him I knew that the dad was an attorney. My son told me that couldn't be true because he overheard the dad talking about work, saying he worked with a bunch of snakes.
__________________
daylatedollarshort is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 09:53 PM   #13
Full time employment: Posting here.
ER Eddie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 721
An engineer, an archaeologist, and a lawyer were hunting in the woods with their dogs. The archaologist wanted to impress his friends, so he said, "My dog can find something that is associated with my profession. Go get 'em, buddy!" And off his dog went. He was gone for a while, then he came back with an old bone. "See," the archaologist said, "Something related to my profession."

"That's a pretty smart dog, but I'll go you one better," the engineer said. "Ok, boy, go get something associated with my profession." The engineer's dog took off running, and after a while, he came back with a dirt-encrusted sextant in his jaws. "Good boy!" the archaologist exclaimed.

Not to be outdone, the laywer said, "My dog can top that. Okay, boy, go do something associated with my profession." And his dog started screwing the other dogs.


lol, I always liked that one.
__________________

__________________
ER Eddie is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:58 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.