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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 11:14 AM   #61
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Re: Making marriage last

I think the Psy-Op is* pretty tough guy, in the best sense. The current is running heavy against him in this thread, and he remains polite.

Good going, Psy-Op.

Ha
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 11:25 AM   #62
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Re: Making marriage last

Agreed. Not trying to beat on you, POR. Good on ya with the thick skin.
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 11:31 AM   #63
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Re: Making marriage last

Here here, as a Christian (Catholic like my homie Brewer) with a big red shiny button easily pushed by others on this board, I feel for you man, and will try to use your example.

I think age of marriage is huge, DW and I probably got married a little too soon (25 and 23 - I'm a cradle robber) and the first year or so was a little rocky. The fact that divorce was not an option in our minds and the fact we really did like and respect each other got us through and we enjoyed it ever since.

Several people on the board have talked about not having to work on their relationship, that's great! My personal experience is we didn't have to work past that first year until Tori was born. We were on cruise control up until then. But while it's been hard at times (Tori's has gone through a lot) I think it brought us closer together and made our bond stronger. You can have a good time with anyone, it's how you handle the rough times together that reveal the truth of a relationship. Just MHO.
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 11:35 AM   #64
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Re: Making marriage last

We've been married 30 years (last Sunday). My wife is very tolerant. We have respect for each other. Few of our relatives got divorced until our generation. We saw being married as permanent. We married young and grew up together.

I don't think you really know a person until you suffer with them. We have had very hard times, like financial and especially my medical probs.

Mike D.
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 11:44 AM   #65
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Re: Making marriage last

If anyone had asked me up until 10 or 15 years ago, I would have said, "Marriage, a piece of cake!"

I wouldn’t say that now, although I still would like to be able to say it. But to me it seems obvious that people and circumstances and the people's reactions to the circumstances change during what is for many a pretty long period of time. Children come and go, health problems come and sometimes go, interests and passions change.

A person can say, I don't care; I made my decision and it is forever. But since marriage is one of those blasted two-to tango affairs, you are not the only one in charge of your fate. And no matter how late in life you get married, or how clever you are as a judge of character, there will be bends in the road, from your perspective and from your spouse's.

And let's not forget, many of us *look upon this as our one and only lifetime. It can seem silly to let decisions we made in our mid twenties bind us 30 years later. Not necessarily be silly, all things considered, but IMO at least, there is room for reasonable doubt here.

Ha
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 11:48 AM   #66
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Re: Making marriage last

Quote:
Originally Posted by PsyopRanger
As far a debating relgion, it is a futile effort.
Hardly. It can be very entertaining.

Enjoy.
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 12:02 PM   #67
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Re: Making marriage last

Sooo

I should try golf?? - after a forty year lapse?? - just didn't work out the first time.

heh heh heh
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 03:13 PM   #68
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Re: Making marriage last

www.marriagebuilders.com


Great site, great forums, etc.
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 05:24 PM   #69
 
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Re: Making marriage last

Dobson is an idiot!
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 05:38 PM   #70
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Re: Making marriage last

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cut-Throat
Dobson is an idiot!
A carefully crafted response.*

Ha
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-20-2006, 05:39 PM   #71
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Re: Making marriage last

Quote:
Originally Posted by unclemick2
Sooo

I should try golf?? - after a forty year lapse?? - just didn't work out the first time.
First you must read a book/take a seminar on it.
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-21-2006, 12:08 AM   #72
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Re: Making marriage last

Just keeping it pithy, right C-T?
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-21-2006, 12:27 AM   #73
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Re: Making marriage last

Since I pounded on Leonardo from Brazil on marriage, maybe I ought to wade in here. (No, No, don't thank me! Just pay at the door.)

DW and I are like gerbils: we have been married over 30 years now. We married older than most and had kids later than most, after that (I thought I would be the oldest guy in La Maz <dang! I can't spell it> --but I wasn't.) We had great role models in both her parents and mine (and object lessons in her uncles and one brother). We are best friends, take care of each other and watch out for each other. (I hardly ever think anymore about the girl I was seeing in college who...never mind. )

We were both raised in the same Faith (registered trade mark). (Sheer accident--we didn't know it at the time (we grew up in Oregon, dontcha know?)). Didn't push it on the kids, but they both turned out as solid as a rock anyway. It is the way you live, not what you say, that they learn. We don't go to church except to bury kin (too frequent these days). We have blood relatives in a wide variety of organized (or not) religions. (Oregon, remember?) I would trust any one of them, even the craziest booger, with my life, and vis versa. Good bunch on both sides.

DW and I can read each other's mind for a long time now. We are welded together. As I must work in far places these days, we have HUGE phone bills, but it works. (Wish mind-reading worked like telepathy. Could save a lot of money.) We think of the other before we think of ourselves. (I am not sure that sentence makes sense, but maybe you get the drift.)

As for the Marriage Encounter stuff.... Years ago I was unhappy at work and DW told me I was bringing my anger home with me and that had to stop, so she found an Anger Mangement Course at the local community college, where the courts sent hostile couples, road rage miscreants, etc, besides regular folks like me. It changed my life. Later on, a friend told me about going to a Marriage Encounter one week-end through his church. It was the very same curriculum!! e.g., writing down what is really important to you, learning how to fight fair, how to take yourself out of an inflammatory situation, role-playing, depression is anger turned inwards, and so forth. Strongly recommended!!! (Did you note?: Available with and without bible-thumping.)

Mutual respect and lots of it.

Ol' Ed,
Feeding the mosquitos <still can't spell> in Alberta

Unwashed,
Unrepentant,
Unforgiven and
Unimpressed.
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-21-2006, 01:35 AM   #74
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Re: Making marriage last

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ed_The_Gypsy
It is the way you live, not what you say, that they learn.*
Great point, I guess my draw to faith is that all my non-faith friends and co-workers spend there time drinking, partying, living like teenagers, cheating on their spouses, etc.

I'll admit, when I was first a father I continued some of this shenanigans, but I finally felt the need to be a role model and get out of these habits.* I still have friends who live this lifestyle now in their 30's, maybe it is the age in which I married and my associations?*

In Special Operations, we blow up things and jump out of planes for a living, after work, you want to take social time to the next level as well?*
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-21-2006, 04:44 AM   #75
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Re: Making marriage last

Quote:
Originally Posted by audreyh1
We haven't found it necessary to consciously "work" on our marriage.* Are we in a minority here?* 15 very happy years.....
We haven't had to consiously work at it either - coming up on 10 years and lived together 2 years before that.* Sounds cheesy, but our marriage started out great and has gotten better every year.* Sometimes we even astound ourselves at how well we get along - we prefer to hang out with each more than anyone else we know.* I don't know what the key to sucess is (and still have a long way to go before ours is proven truly successful) but we worked out the big issues before tying the knot, and the little ones, well... just aren't worth turning into big ones.

People keep telling me marriage is a lot of work, but honestly if my marriage felt like a job, I don't think I'd still be here.* A syllabus of scheduled readings as laid out by Psy-Ops sounds like my worst nightmare.* * We're both heathen athiests (as raised by our parents) and seem to be doing ok without help from Dobson.* But, whatever works... attending a seminar once in a while is certainly better than divorce.
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-21-2006, 07:42 AM   #76
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Re: Making marriage last

Quote:
Originally Posted by FlowGirl
We haven't had to consiously work at it either - coming up on 10 years and lived together 2 years before that.* Sounds cheesy, but our marriage started out great and has gotten better every year.* Sometimes we even astound ourselves at how well we get along - we prefer to hang out with each more than anyone else we know.* I don't know what the key to sucess is (and still have a long way to go before ours is proven truly successful) but we worked out the big issues before tying the knot, and the little ones, well... just aren't worth turning into big ones.

People keep telling me marriage is a lot of work, but honestly if my marriage felt like a job, I don't think I'd still be here.* A syllabus of scheduled readings as laid out by Psy-Ops sounds like my worst nightmare.* * We're both heathen athiests (as raised by our parents) and seem to be doing ok without help from Dobson.* But, whatever works... attending a seminar once in a while is certainly better than divorce.
Do you have kids?*

My marriage was smooth sailing and spending time doing whatever "we" felt like.
After children, it is doing what the "family" feels like.

Before kids....endless hours alone together.
After Kids....Maybe 30 minutes per day when the kids are asleep.*

I also ask those that have a blissful marriage, how do you know if your marriage is solid if it has never been tested with problems?*

As someone else posted, a successful marriage is one that goes through good times and bad times together.

I would be interested in your comments here:
http://early-retirement.org/forums/i...p?topic=8695.0
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-21-2006, 07:54 AM   #77
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Re: Making marriage last

Quote:
Originally Posted by PsyopRanger
I also ask those that have a blissful marriage, how do you know if your marriage is solid if it has never been tested with problems?*
Hmmmm.

Sounds like maybe there is some kind of external stress test or measuring stick that we need to apply to our marriage "to make sure it's solid".* Otherwise we should be worried about what'll happen when we are truly "tested".

Hmmmm.

I think not.* We're together.* We're happy.* Life is good.* Whatever happens, happens.* Luck probably has plenty to do with that, so we are grateful for our good fortune (knock on wood).* No need to validate or test or measure things ahead of time.* Live the best we can today and one day at a time......

Maybe that seems like "blissful ignorance".* Somehow I don't think so.....

Audrey
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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-21-2006, 08:04 AM   #78
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Re: Making marriage last

Quote:
Originally Posted by audreyh1
...so we are grateful for our food fortune (knock on wood).
Hmmmm. Pre-breakfast post Audrey?

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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-21-2006, 08:09 AM   #79
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Re: Making marriage last

Quote:
Originally Posted by audreyh1
Hmmmm.

Sounds like maybe there is some kind of external stress test or measuring stick that we need to apply to our marriage "to make sure it's solid".* Otherwise we should be worried about what'll happen when we are truly "tested".

Hmmmm.

I think not.* We're together.* We're happy.* Life is good.* Whatever happens, happens.* Luck probably has plenty to do with that, so we are grateful for our food fortune (knock on wood).* No need to validate or test or measure things ahead of time.* Live the best we can today and one day at a time......

Maybe that seems like "blissful ignorance".* Somehow I don't think so.....

Audrey
My point is that when people say they do not need to work at a marriage, what level of marriage to they have? *What have they been through?

What is the measure of a good marriage? *
When there are no problems in the marriage, of course you don’t have to work at it.
When problems or stress arrive in the marriage, how does the couple deal with them together? *

Case in Point:

A friend of mine named Tim was married for 5 blissful years, never any problems, smooth sailing. *Then a baby arrives, along with financial and other children stress. *
Tim and his wife starting arguing, they both said “We never argued before? *I guess we married the wrong person.” and Tim got a divorce.

If you look at Tim’s first 5 years, in his words he had a great marriage, after some stress hit the marriage, it went downhill. *

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Re: Making marriage last
Old 07-21-2006, 08:11 AM   #80
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Re: Making marriage last

Ranger, you will have to excuse me for being a suspicious bastard, but my "Fundie Radar" is beeping away. I kept expecting a sentence at the end of your post along the lines of "if TIM had oly accepted Jeezus as his personal savious (and pool boy), everything would have been just fine."
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