Management speak

I saw this list, too funny!

A while ago our division's vice president came up with "Find our way to yes" as our "motto". We still love throwing that one around when the boss says no. "Gee boss, I think we need to find our way to yes!"

We also went through a useless excercise where they tried to ban the use of no. First it was, "offer an alternative - say "no, but you could...." then management decided they didn't like that because it still had the word "no" in it, so it became "Yes, and" that we were supposed to say. We ran with that as well, "Yes you can steal the computers, AND you will serve 5 to 10 for it!" :p
 
Spouse overheard a new one at a military exercise: "offramps".

We may be in the job of breaking things and killing people, but as we're going from DEFCON III to I we want to make sure that the CINC has plenty of "offramps".

I guess it avoids loser terms like "retreat", "pull back", and "withdraw"...
 
The one I've been hearing a lot lately is, "I envision", which usually translates as, "I have a fantasy that involves you".
 
My old boss (upon hearing of a problem), in a zen koan, Yoda-like way would intone, "problem? ..or OPPORTUNITY?"

He would likely say this if you told him his hair was on fire.
 
i worked with a huge publishing company. during "re-engineering" they wanted to come up with their new mission statement. only they wanted to incorporate every single word of good connotation. words that would be inspiring, show integrity, blah blah blah.

only they couldn't string them all into a single sentence. finally they gave up and just put out a bunch of words on t-shirts and gave them to everyone. i think i still have mine in the rag bag. it was about the stupidest thing i ever saw. this major publishing house couldn't construct a freaking sentence.

this is what happens when you give the thoughtful work to marketing.
 
laurencewill said:
I saw this list, too funny!

A while ago our division's vice president came up with "Find our way to yes" as our "motto". We still love throwing that one around when the boss says no. "Gee boss, I think we need to find our way to yes!"

We also went through a useless excercise where they tried to ban the use of no. First it was, "offer an alternative - say "no, but you could...." then management decided they didn't like that because it still had the word "no" in it, so it became "Yes, and" that we were supposed to say. We ran with that as well, "Yes you can steal the computers, AND you will serve 5 to 10 for it!" :p
Click to expand...

Dictatorships often ban words, demand citizens use contorted slogans, and modify everyday phrases to mean something else. At least that was the way it was done in Cultural Revolution China. Strange how the bosses who pull this kind of crap just can't see themselves imitating failed experiments.
 
"We've got to figure out how to operationalize this"

i.e. "how to do it"........aaaargggghhhh!
 
BunsGettingFirm said:
Dictatorships often ban words, demand citizens use contorted slogans, and modify everyday phrases to mean something else. At least that was the way it was done in Cultural Revolution China. Strange how the bosses who pull this kind of crap just can't see themselves imitating failed experiments.
Click to expand...

Double Plus Ungood?
 
All of the employees at my wife's company are no longer "associates", but "Brand Ambassadors". Unsure if they get diplomatic immunity to go with their new titles..
 
bigwonderfulwyoming said:
All of the employees at my wife's company are no longer "associates", but "Brand Ambassadors". Unsure if they get diplomatic immunity to go with their new titles..
Click to expand...
The picture in my head is of people being hog tied by a cowboy followed by the gentle application of a hot branding iron to their tush.
 
Had a NSM that always was saying "we need to focus like a laser beam". I always wanted to suggest a particle beam but was afraid of the possible fallout.....
 
My favorites from here and there

Incentivize

Take it offline

Land the planes

Down-select

Hands off the keyboard

I'll come up with more....
 
There's hope, 15 years out of mega mega corp. and I've forgotten the lingo. The expression that comes to mind in my mini mini company is, "they all come back," the clients, that is.

You guys scare me!
 
finding additional information was "drilling down" last year- but has now been replaced with " a deep dive"

"performance" has been replaced with "measurable key indicators"

"results" is now "deliverables"

and "customer service" is now "the guest experience"

And this is only Thursday...
 
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So funny---but sad, too, that it's not just confined to the US. I thought only Americans would make up words like "conversate." I also loved the "idea showers" replacing brainstorming and "sprinkling our magic" in a call center.

DH's former employer has a classic. They claimed that they are not really outsourcing call center jobs to India---they just started a satellite office there! :rolleyes:
 
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