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Old 01-11-2014, 12:45 PM   #21
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I work for an agency where most people grew up in small towns in the area and they tend to be very friendly...some went to high school together, attend the same churches, etc. A group of retirees meet for lunch once a month, and I will likely join them later this year once I am out the door. I am close social friends with a half a dozen people in the office. We go to each others homes occasionally and a couple of times a year might see a movie or a play or go out to dinner. I have been included in some of their family events over the years: weddings, baby showers, wakes, back-year picnics and such.

When I retire I plan to explore some other social outlets. I know of a group that bikes a nearby trail together weekly, and I might also eventually step up my volunteerism.

I think your co-workers could likely presume that your time is occupied with a new marriage and a new community.
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Old 01-11-2014, 01:14 PM   #22
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I have recommended this elsewhere and I cannot recommend highly enough the book "What Color is Your Parachute for Retirement?" It covers all of this (the psycho/social aspect of retirement) and much, much more. Very generous with references for further exploration in each important area of retirement as well. Helped me tremendously in preparing for retirement.
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Old 01-11-2014, 01:46 PM   #23
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We were together for 25 years. It's been six months now and I've gotten 1 phone call. I got married and moved to a new city but I'm only an hour away. Thank you for your reply.
You recently got married (big change) and retired (big change) and moved an hour away (big change). My guess is that your old w*rk friends assume that you are busy with your new spouse and your new life in your new location. Since you are the party who left the job and the town, look at it from their point of view - they may feel that THEY are the ones who were "left behind." Not saying that is good or bad, it's just life. You have moved on and they are still stuck toiling away at the j*b.

A w*rk friend of mine retired 5 years ago, and she found herself with free time on her hands 24/7 (she is single). For several months before she retired, I gently suggested all sorts of avenues for her to explore to make new friends (the local senior center; volunteering in the community; the YWCA, etc). I explicitly told her that I would not have time to "hang out" as much as she anticipated once she retired. She never got the message. For months she called me day and night, at work and at home, asking me to join her in some activity or other. She lives a 45 minute drive from me, by the way. She had 24 hours in the day to do whatever she wanted, and I still had to (and have to) cram my "real life" (tending to pets, house, yard, errands, appointments, extended family members, classes, etc) into my "free" time. I like this person, but I simply could not meet her social needs in the way she wanted. The final straw was when she started "dropping by" the office with no notice, expecting me to drop everything and go to lunch. This was not a case of stalking - she was simply lonely and unprepared to fill her time with new activities and new friends. I finally had to cut off all communication with her. I still feel sad about it.

I am NOT saying that you are exhibiting the behavior above. I just want to point out that your w*rk friends do not have the same kind of free time available to them as you do. If their lives are like most of ours when we are w*rking, they collapse at the end of the day, with many things still left undone. Driving an hour each way to see a former coworker doesn't even make it into my top 25 list of things I have time for.

Just my two cents, but an excellent way to make new friends in a new community is by volunteering. There is always a need for literacy tutors in most communities, and as a former teacher you might enjoy that. Or join a local hiking group, or foster homeless animals (gotta get my plug in!) or knit blankets for preemie babies, or volunteer at the library or join a book club. You literally have an ocean of time at your fingertips and a world of possibilities for meeting new people who share your interests. That is SO exciting!

You didn't mention whether your spouse is also retired. If they are not, and you are on your own every day, you may just be a bit lonely, which can lead to missing old friends.

Do not take the lack of contact from former w*rk friends personally. You are simply in a new (exciting) phase of life which they cannot share with you.

Pursue your interests (whatever they may be) in your new community, and in six months you probably will wonder what you ever had in common with some of the folks from w*rk! Best of luck to you as you explore this new phase.
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Old 01-11-2014, 04:55 PM   #24
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You recently got married (big change) and retired (big change) and moved an hour away (big change). My guess is that your old w*rk friends assume that you are busy with your new spouse and your new life in your new location. Since you are the party who left the job and the town, look at it from their point of view - they may feel that THEY are the ones who were "left behind." Not saying that is good or bad, it's just life. You have moved on and they are still stuck toiling away at the j*b. A w*rk friend of mine retired 5 years ago, and she found herself with free time on her hands 24/7 (she is single). For several months before she retired, I gently suggested all sorts of avenues for her to explore to make new friends (the local senior center; volunteering in the community; the YWCA, etc). I explicitly told her that I would not have time to "hang out" as much as she anticipated once she retired. She never got the message. For months she called me day and night, at work and at home, asking me to join her in some activity or other. She lives a 45 minute drive from me, by the way. She had 24 hours in the day to do whatever she wanted, and I still had to (and have to) cram my "real life" (tending to pets, house, yard, errands, appointments, extended family members, classes, etc) into my "free" time. I like this person, but I simply could not meet her social needs in the way she wanted. The final straw was when she started "dropping by" the office with no notice, expecting me to drop everything and go to lunch. This was not a case of stalking - she was simply lonely and unprepared to fill her time with new activities and new friends. I finally had to cut off all communication with her. I still feel sad about it. I am NOT saying that you are exhibiting the behavior above. I just want to point out that your w*rk friends do not have the same kind of free time available to them as you do. If their lives are like most of ours when we are w*rking, they collapse at the end of the day, with many things still left undone. Driving an hour each way to see a former coworker doesn't even make it into my top 25 list of things I have time for. Just my two cents, but an excellent way to make new friends in a new community is by volunteering. There is always a need for literacy tutors in most communities, and as a former teacher you might enjoy that. Or join a local hiking group, or foster homeless animals (gotta get my plug in!) or knit blankets for preemie babies, or volunteer at the library or join a book club. You literally have an ocean of time at your fingertips and a world of possibilities for meeting new people who share your interests. That is SO exciting! You didn't mention whether your spouse is also retired. If they are not, and you are on your own every day, you may just be a bit lonely, which can lead to missing old friends. Do not take the lack of contact from former w*rk friends personally. You are simply in a new (exciting) phase of life which they cannot share with you. Pursue your interests (whatever they may be) in your new community, and in six months you probably will wonder what you ever had in common with some of the folks from w*rk! Best of luck to you as you explore this new phase.
Yes, I got married, moved to a new city, sold my house, and retired in one month. I didn't contact anyone for three months as I was busy with the move and it was too painful. No one called me either. I've taken the first step and emphasized that I am flexible about driving back to get together. I understand how busy they are. I have joined a church and several other groups here, and I know that in order to make friends I need to get out of my comfort zone. So I do. All I'm saying is that I never thought these friendships would end this way and frankly, it hurts. I guess that's the way it is. I appreciate your taking the time to respond to my issue.
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Old 01-11-2014, 05:02 PM   #25
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Perhaps your expectations were a little high in terms of the level of inconvenience your work friends were willing to go to to engage with you after you left. Since you are the one that upset the delicate balance of interaction it only stands to reason (in my thinking) that you are the one that will have to put forth the extra effort to renengage them occasionally. Once you are off the company email and not at the watercooler on a daily basis much of what you had in common is simply gone. It sounds like you were not ready for this transition to happen yet. Maybe you could reconnect with a few of your favorites and plan to return for a lunch on occasion to catch up. I would think that they are just as interested in hearing about your new life as you are to catch up on the work goings on. As you find other new things and friends to engage with your feelings of being left out may subside. Best wishes. Just my 2 cents.

I tried to get together with a few people with no results. I am willing to be the one to drive over there any time that is best for them. But, whatever, I'm getting out and trying to meet new friends. I did take the initiative. Thank you for your 2 cents
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Old 01-11-2014, 05:07 PM   #26
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I see you were a teacher. Are there other retired teachers you can get together with? In your school, were retired teachers included in group social activities? Do they substitute teach? These are the ways my retired teacher friend keeps in touch with her former coworkers. If there is not a culture of including other retired teachers, you probably are just not considered part of the group anymore and it is not personal. If you used to get together with individual coworkers outside of school hours and school functions, then just call those coworkers and set something up. Or just send a chatty email to a couple of people asking what they are up to and telling them something about what you are doing, and suggest getting together. If you got married and did not invite anyone from your school to the wedding, do they understand why? They probably feel the teachers who no longer work there are the one who left them behind. Get involved in something new and make some friends where you live now.
My close friends are not retired yet. There are some in our sorority but they keep failing to let me know when the meetings are. I know it's not personal, they're just so busy.
I have joined a church and there are some nice people there and I have also found several knitting groups and I am scheduled to start volunteering in the library.
Hoping things will get better.
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Old 01-11-2014, 05:19 PM   #27
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I have joined a church and there are some nice people there and I have also found several knitting groups and I am scheduled to start volunteering in the library.
Hoping things will get better.
For someone who is religious or at least not antagonistic to religion, I think a church is one of the best social groups, especially if the pastor is good.

Every group has the cool kids and the less cool, but it seems to me that some churches do a better job of controlling this than any other group I can think of.

Groups that are based on hobby interests may also offer friendship, but my main experience is with ballroom dancing and these people are dancers, and if the focus of a get together won't include dancing, they are rarely interested. IMO, same is true of mountain climbers, skiers and sometimes bicyclists. The great thing about a church is that there are plenty of out-groups that are not in one's church. In fact, by being in the church, one is already part of an in-group which helps define an out-group.

Drinkers can be very inclusive, but you had better not go on the wagon.

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Old 01-11-2014, 05:35 PM   #28
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Is there a newcomers group in your area? I have found this to be an excellent way to build a new circle of friends.
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Old 01-11-2014, 06:57 PM   #29
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Yes, I got married, moved to a new city, sold my house, and retired in one month......
WOW!! Those are a lot of changes to make in a short period of time.


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......I have joined a church and there are some nice people there and I have also found several knitting groups and I am scheduled to start volunteering in the library. Hoping things will get better.
I'm impressed with your ability to step outside your comfort zone, especially in a new place where it sounds like you don't know people. Good for you for putting yourself out there - it takes guts! I'm sure things will look much brighter soon.
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Old 01-11-2014, 07:08 PM   #30
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WOW!! Those are a lot of changes to make in a short period of time. I'm impressed with your ability to step outside your comfort zone, especially in a new place where it sounds like you don't know people. Good for you for putting yourself out there - it takes guts! I'm sure things will look much brighter soon.
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Old 01-11-2014, 07:09 PM   #31
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Is there a newcomers group in your area? I have found this to be an excellent way to build a new circle of friends.
I don't know. But good idea.......
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Old 01-11-2014, 07:11 PM   #32
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For someone who is religious or at least not antagonistic to religion, I think a church is one of the best social groups, especially if the pastor is good. Every group has the cool kids and the less cool, but it seems to me that some churches do a better job of controlling this than any other group I can think of. Groups that are based on hobby interests may also offer friendship, but my main experience is with ballroom dancing and these people are dancers, and if the focus of a get together won't include dancing, they are rarely interested. IMO, same is true of mountain climbers, skiers and sometimes bicyclists. The great thing about a church is that there are plenty of out-groups that are not in one's church. In fact, by being in the church, one is already part of an in-group which helps define an out-group. Drinkers can be very inclusive, but you had better not go on the wagon. Ha
I'm Unitarian so my church is pretty cohesive.

Only problem I gave with drinking is the calories
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Old 01-11-2014, 07:15 PM   #33
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+1 on this statement.. I've been out for 3 weeks and only one email from my best friend at the company... certainly don't fault anyone cause this is exactly what I expected to happen. I remember how I felt/reacted in past years when someone I knew very well left the company for whatever reason. I remember occasional thoughts of them, but mostly moving on to the next task, project, urgent crisis, policy change, memo to write, meeting to attend, etc... so by and large, they became more and more invisible and less a part of my life. That's what's happened to you, and now to me in the last 3 weeks. My goal is going to make new friends and 'get out there' in new situations..
Me too. It's not easy but I have to.
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Old 01-11-2014, 07:17 PM   #34
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I have recommended this elsewhere and I cannot recommend highly enough the book "What Color is Your Parachute for Retirement?" It covers all of this (the psycho/social aspect of retirement) and much, much more. Very generous with references for further exploration in each important area of retirement as well. Helped me tremendously in preparing for retirement.
Thank you. Excellent suggestion.
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Old 01-11-2014, 07:31 PM   #35
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I suspect that they are too busy working and doing all the other things that busy working people do.

I have only occasional email contact with my former colleagues, and 80% of my contact is with my old boss who I had a great relationship with.

Like someone said, there are work friends and friend friends.
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Old 01-11-2014, 07:43 PM   #36
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I suspect that they are too busy working and doing all the other things that busy working people do. I have only occasional email contact with my former colleagues, and 80% of my contact is with my old boss who I had a great relationship with. Like someone said, there are work friends and friend friends.
Yes, that's how I was. But it was a close group - 25 years together.
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Old 01-11-2014, 07:51 PM   #37
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For someone who is religious or at least not antagonistic to religion, I think a church is one of the best social groups, especially if the pastor is good.

Good observation. I almost wish I could be more open to the whole religious scene, because there can be a very positive social aspect with that group, but I just can't.

OTOH, DW does volunteering through her Church, ans she is sometimes exposed to some petty in-fighting and control-freakish, ego battles that would have me just saying 'I quit'.


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Groups that are based on hobby interests may also offer friendship, but my main experience is with ballroom dancing and these people are dancers, and if the focus of a get together won't include dancing, they are rarely interested. IMO, same is true of mountain climbers, skiers and sometimes bicyclists.
I've experienced that too. Many of these people are so focused on their hobby, that is pretty much all they do. I like to dabble - a little interest here, a little there. Just taste everything, not make it my meal, day in day out.


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Drinkers can be very inclusive, but you had better not go on the wagon.

Ha
By far, the best hobby group I've been involved with is my beer home-brew group. It seems like all these guys (and a few gals) have a wide range of interests, and they are all interesting to talk with. Every one is a pretty serious food person as well, food-beer pairings, recipes, cheese making, sausage making, komboucha, gardening (some are growing their own hops). And beer involves history, geography, chemistry, biology - it just goes on and on.

I know you don't do beer due to keeping low-carb (though there are a few craft-beers that are probably pretty low carb - a Saison is very, very dry - I doubt there are much/many residual carbs there). The Saison that I brewed finished at 1.002, and a dry wine finishes ~ 0.990 ~ 1.000. A more typical beer finishes ~ 1.012~1.016. Water is 1.000, sugar is heavier than water, alcohol is lighter than water, so the final specific gravity gives you an idea of how much residual sugar remains in the beverage (though you really need to know the original sugar content to know the amount of alcohol versus the amounts of sugar).

Anyway, a wine making or whisky/whiskey appreciation club is likely to be more open than other hobbies. Though many of the beer club members are far more 'intense' than I am about it, but they still seem to have plenty of outside interests. Or maybe the alcohol just loosens people up to talking about other things?

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Old 01-11-2014, 07:58 PM   #38
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Thank you. I love your cat.
Awww, thanks! She was a real sweetie. Her son is still with me; he is now 13.
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:19 PM   #39
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Sorry to hear that your old work friends don't seem all that receptive to your overtures to get together and socialize.

If you are looking to get out and meet new people and do new things where you now live, I'd recommend checking out meetup.com. I joined many meetup groups in my area -- such as hiking, socializing, dining, traveling, etc. It gets me out of the house, doing fun things and meeting new people.

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Old 01-11-2014, 08:22 PM   #40
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I understand how you feel. I worked with some of my previous co-workers for 26 years and considered some of them like family. We get together once a month for our retiree's luncheon and have done several cruises together and some other trips. I would have been hurt, if they no longer included me in things. I think that you made the effort, especially letting them know that you would do the traveling back to them. Try not to take it personally and good luck with making your new friends. I think that they are the ones losing out and will probably regret it someday.
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