Missing friends from work

C

claudiaann

Dryer sheet wannabe
Joined
Sep 16, 2013
Messages
20
Location
St Augustine
Feels as though I've been left behind. I'm always the one who does the calling or I never hear from them.........
 
We were together for 25 years. It's been six months now and I've gotten 1 phone call. I got married and moved to a new city but I'm only an hour away.

Thank you for your reply.
 
Perhaps your expectations were a little high in terms of the level of inconvenience your work friends were willing to go to to engage with you after you left. Since you are the one that upset the delicate balance of interaction it only stands to reason (in my thinking) that you are the one that will have to put forth the extra effort to renengage them occasionally. Once you are off the company email and not at the watercooler on a daily basis much of what you had in common is simply gone. It sounds like you were not ready for this transition to happen yet.

Maybe you could reconnect with a few of your favorites and plan to return for a lunch on occasion to catch up. I would think that they are just as interested in hearing about your new life as you are to catch up on the work goings on. As you find other new things and friends to engage with your feelings of being left out may subside. Best wishes.

Just my 2 cents.
 
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I see you were a teacher. Are there other retired teachers you can get together with? In your school, were retired teachers included in group social activities? Do they substitute teach? These are the ways my retired teacher friend keeps in touch with her former coworkers. If there is not a culture of including other retired teachers, you probably are just not considered part of the group anymore and it is not personal. If you used to get together with individual coworkers outside of school hours and school functions, then just call those coworkers and set something up. Or just send a chatty email to a couple of people asking what they are up to and telling them something about what you are doing, and suggest getting together. If you got married and did not invite anyone from your school to the wedding, do they understand why?

They probably feel the teachers who no longer work there are the one who left them behind. Get involved in something new and make some friends where you live now.
 
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Bestwifeever said:
I see you were a teacher. Are there other retired teachers you can get together with? In your school, were retired teachers included in group social activities? Do they substitute teach? These are the ways my retired teacher friend keeps in touch with he former coworkers. If there is not a culture of including other retired teachers, you probably are just not considered part of the group anymore and it is not personal. If you used to get together with individual coworkers outside of school hours and school functions, then just call those coworkers and set something up. Or just send a chatty email to a couple of people asking what they are up to and telling them something about what you are doing, and suggest getting together. If you got married and did not invite anyone from your school to the wedding, do they understand why?

They probably feel the teachers who no longer work there are the one who left them behind. Get involved in something new and make some friends where you live now.
Click to expand...

+1
 
Did you socialize with work friends outside of work before you left?
If the answer was yes, organize an event
If the answer was no, why did you expect change based on you leaving?
 
Newventurer said:
Once you are off the company email and not at the watercooler on a daily basis much of what you had in common is simply gone. It sounds like you were not ready for this transition to happen yet.
Click to expand...

+1 on this statement.. I've been out for 3 weeks and only one email from my best friend at the company... certainly don't fault anyone cause this is exactly what I expected to happen. I remember how I felt/reacted in past years when someone I knew very well left the company for whatever reason. I remember occasional thoughts of them, but mostly moving on to the next task, project, urgent crisis, policy change, memo to write, meeting to attend, etc... so by and large, they became more and more invisible and less a part of my life. That's what's happened to you, and now to me in the last 3 weeks.

My goal is going to make new friends and 'get out there' in new situations..
 
I also find that since I have a new email address, not an extension of the company email, people don't know what my new address is and if they haven't sent an email to my new address it doesn't show up on the recent 'send' list when they they type in my name. I also find that emails I send to them often go to the company spam folder, especially if they have an attachment. If you are sending emails and getting no reply, you may want to have those you care about add you to their approved list.
 
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This reminds a bit of when I FIRE'd. I FIRE'd in Jan '08 and pretty much just moved on. But when my b-day came around later in the year I got a B-day wish email from my previous co-w*rkers asking how I've been. So, being courteous, I replied back and said thanks for the b-day wish and we planned on getting together around Christmas time for a lunch. But I had to postpone until next Jan as just days before the get together I had to take a friend to the ICU, out of state. Then when I did a follow up for the Jan date, I got an email back pretty much saying "well..we are kind a of busy now...with deadlines...etc." That was the last time I ever corresponded.

IMO, I compare the situation similar to high school friends. Some say forever, but some are like when we grow up and go to different colleges and then drift apart. That's just how things tend to be. No real right or wrong.
 
There are work friends and social friends. Sometimes we confuse the two, but when we leave a company, we quickly find out which type of friendship we really had with our coworkers. I used to do all kinds of social events with my coworkers, but now that I'm gone, I rarely hear from them. If I call them, they do call back, but the motivation to get together is just not there any more.

If you're finding that your coworkers are no longer actively engaged in your life, then you likely were just work friends, and now that you no longer work together, they don't see much value in expending the energy to stay connected with you. It's a harsh lesson to learn, but when you meet new people in your retired life, you find those people are interested in getting to know the retired "you", not the coworker "you".
 
Haven't seen my high school friends since I graduated nearly 35 years ago.

Haven't seen any work friends since I graduated (to retirement) just over a year ago. I've heard from a couple and I've emailed a few for birthdays etc. Other than that I only hear from them when they need something.

That said, I still think about work and work friends every day...Trying to let go, but struggling with it. So I understand where you are coming from, but best just to move on, I think, and I am trying to take my own advice.

R
 
I guess I'm kind of funny when it comes to people in the workplace. I really have no desire to befriend them.

They're coworkers, not friends. I have "real" friends outside the office, in other activities I'm involved with that have nothing to do with my job or career.

It's one reason I don't tend to socialize with anybody at work, nor go to company functions like picnics or company Christmas parties.

My view is..."I have to work around you people for 8+ hours a day, I don't want to have to socialize with you, too."

That's why it's always been so easy for me to walk out the door and never look back. I have no expectations about maintaining work relationships, and simply don't care.
 
LoneAspen said:
I guess I'm kind of funny when it comes to people in the workplace. I really have no desire to befriend them.

They're coworkers, not friends. I have "real" friends outside the office, in other activities I'm involved with that have nothing to do with my job or career.

It's one reason I don't tend to socialize with anybody at work, nor go to company functions like picnics or company Christmas parties.

My view is..."I have to work around you people for 8+ hours a day, I don't want to have to socialize with you, too."

That's why it's always been so easy for me to walk out the door and never look back. I have no expectations about maintaining work relationships, and simply don't care.
Click to expand...

That's pretty much the way it was for me, too. If you got too friendly at work, it could spill over to your real side if something goes wrong, and vice versa. It's like matter and anti matter...
 
I work for an agency where most people grew up in small towns in the area and they tend to be very friendly...some went to high school together, attend the same churches, etc. A group of retirees meet for lunch once a month, and I will likely join them later this year once I am out the door. I am close social friends with a half a dozen people in the office. We go to each others homes occasionally and a couple of times a year might see a movie or a play or go out to dinner. I have been included in some of their family events over the years: weddings, baby showers, wakes, back-year picnics and such.

When I retire I plan to explore some other social outlets. I know of a group that bikes a nearby trail together weekly, and I might also eventually step up my volunteerism.

I think your co-workers could likely presume that your time is occupied with a new marriage and a new community.
 
I have recommended this elsewhere and I cannot recommend highly enough the book "What Color is Your Parachute for Retirement?" It covers all of this (the psycho/social aspect of retirement) and much, much more. Very generous with references for further exploration in each important area of retirement as well. Helped me tremendously in preparing for retirement.
 
claudiaann said:
We were together for 25 years. It's been six months now and I've gotten 1 phone call. I got married and moved to a new city but I'm only an hour away. Thank you for your reply.
Click to expand...

You recently got married (big change) and retired (big change) and moved an hour away (big change). My guess is that your old w*rk friends assume that you are busy with your new spouse and your new life in your new location. Since you are the party who left the job and the town, look at it from their point of view - they may feel that THEY are the ones who were "left behind." Not saying that is good or bad, it's just life. You have moved on and they are still stuck toiling away at the j*b.

A w*rk friend of mine retired 5 years ago, and she found herself with free time on her hands 24/7 (she is single). For several months before she retired, I gently suggested all sorts of avenues for her to explore to make new friends (the local senior center; volunteering in the community; the YWCA, etc). I explicitly told her that I would not have time to "hang out" as much as she anticipated once she retired. She never got the message. For months she called me day and night, at work and at home, asking me to join her in some activity or other. She lives a 45 minute drive from me, by the way. She had 24 hours in the day to do whatever she wanted, and I still had to (and have to) cram my "real life" (tending to pets, house, yard, errands, appointments, extended family members, classes, etc) into my "free" time. I like this person, but I simply could not meet her social needs in the way she wanted. The final straw was when she started "dropping by" the office with no notice, expecting me to drop everything and go to lunch. This was not a case of stalking - she was simply lonely and unprepared to fill her time with new activities and new friends. I finally had to cut off all communication with her. I still feel sad about it.

I am NOT saying that you are exhibiting the behavior above. I just want to point out that your w*rk friends do not have the same kind of free time available to them as you do. If their lives are like most of ours when we are w*rking, they collapse at the end of the day, with many things still left undone. Driving an hour each way to see a former coworker doesn't even make it into my top 25 list of things I have time for.

Just my two cents, but an excellent way to make new friends in a new community is by volunteering. There is always a need for literacy tutors in most communities, and as a former teacher you might enjoy that. Or join a local hiking group, or foster homeless animals (gotta get my plug in!) or knit blankets for preemie babies, or volunteer at the library or join a book club. You literally have an ocean of time at your fingertips and a world of possibilities for meeting new people who share your interests. That is SO exciting!

You didn't mention whether your spouse is also retired. If they are not, and you are on your own every day, you may just be a bit lonely, which can lead to missing old friends.

Do not take the lack of contact from former w*rk friends personally. You are simply in a new (exciting) phase of life which they cannot share with you.

Pursue your interests (whatever they may be) in your new community, and in six months you probably will wonder what you ever had in common with some of the folks from w*rk! Best of luck to you as you explore this new phase. :)
 
Calico said:
You recently got married (big change) and retired (big change) and moved an hour away (big change). My guess is that your old w*rk friends assume that you are busy with your new spouse and your new life in your new location. Since you are the party who left the job and the town, look at it from their point of view - they may feel that THEY are the ones who were "left behind." Not saying that is good or bad, it's just life. You have moved on and they are still stuck toiling away at the j*b. A w*rk friend of mine retired 5 years ago, and she found herself with free time on her hands 24/7 (she is single). For several months before she retired, I gently suggested all sorts of avenues for her to explore to make new friends (the local senior center; volunteering in the community; the YWCA, etc). I explicitly told her that I would not have time to "hang out" as much as she anticipated once she retired. She never got the message. For months she called me day and night, at work and at home, asking me to join her in some activity or other. She lives a 45 minute drive from me, by the way. She had 24 hours in the day to do whatever she wanted, and I still had to (and have to) cram my "real life" (tending to pets, house, yard, errands, appointments, extended family members, classes, etc) into my "free" time. I like this person, but I simply could not meet her social needs in the way she wanted. The final straw was when she started "dropping by" the office with no notice, expecting me to drop everything and go to lunch. This was not a case of stalking - she was simply lonely and unprepared to fill her time with new activities and new friends. I finally had to cut off all communication with her. I still feel sad about it. I am NOT saying that you are exhibiting the behavior above. I just want to point out that your w*rk friends do not have the same kind of free time available to them as you do. If their lives are like most of ours when we are w*rking, they collapse at the end of the day, with many things still left undone. Driving an hour each way to see a former coworker doesn't even make it into my top 25 list of things I have time for. Just my two cents, but an excellent way to make new friends in a new community is by volunteering. There is always a need for literacy tutors in most communities, and as a former teacher you might enjoy that. Or join a local hiking group, or foster homeless animals (gotta get my plug in!) or knit blankets for preemie babies, or volunteer at the library or join a book club. You literally have an ocean of time at your fingertips and a world of possibilities for meeting new people who share your interests. That is SO exciting! You didn't mention whether your spouse is also retired. If they are not, and you are on your own every day, you may just be a bit lonely, which can lead to missing old friends. Do not take the lack of contact from former w*rk friends personally. You are simply in a new (exciting) phase of life which they cannot share with you. Pursue your interests (whatever they may be) in your new community, and in six months you probably will wonder what you ever had in common with some of the folks from w*rk! Best of luck to you as you explore this new phase. :)
Click to expand...

Yes, I got married, moved to a new city, sold my house, and retired in one month. I didn't contact anyone for three months as I was busy with the move and it was too painful. No one called me either. I've taken the first step and emphasized that I am flexible about driving back to get together. I understand how busy they are. I have joined a church and several other groups here, and I know that in order to make friends I need to get out of my comfort zone. So I do. All I'm saying is that I never thought these friendships would end this way and frankly, it hurts. I guess that's the way it is. I appreciate your taking the time to respond to my issue.
 
Newventurer said:
Perhaps your expectations were a little high in terms of the level of inconvenience your work friends were willing to go to to engage with you after you left. Since you are the one that upset the delicate balance of interaction it only stands to reason (in my thinking) that you are the one that will have to put forth the extra effort to renengage them occasionally. Once you are off the company email and not at the watercooler on a daily basis much of what you had in common is simply gone. It sounds like you were not ready for this transition to happen yet. Maybe you could reconnect with a few of your favorites and plan to return for a lunch on occasion to catch up. I would think that they are just as interested in hearing about your new life as you are to catch up on the work goings on. As you find other new things and friends to engage with your feelings of being left out may subside. Best wishes. Just my 2 cents.
Click to expand...


I tried to get together with a few people with no results. I am willing to be the one to drive over there any time that is best for them. But, whatever, I'm getting out and trying to meet new friends. I did take the initiative. Thank you for your 2 cents:)
 
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