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Old 03-24-2014, 06:36 PM   #61
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Certainly resonates here as well. When I found our place in a nice rural area I thought "perfect for my mom. She's in her own little guest house less than 75 ft from our home - wonderful!" When we moved in she said "you are crazy if you think I'm going to live in that little house over there" So she moved in with us. After a short while my wife said " if she stays I'm gone" So I found her an apartment in town, and shortly thereafter dementia became more pronounced and assisted living and then nursing homes soon followed. There are no perfect answers and each family writes its own version of this Greek tragedy.
What's crazy, in our situation, the granny flat/casita had MUCH nicer finishes than we have in our house. (Travertine floors/bathrooms, beautiful appliances, well thought out storage. Lots of architectural details and a fabulous view.) She loved the house - just not the geography. She liked the "little house".... because it was laid out with her needs in mind.

She didn't like living in coastal San Diego. She doesn't like living in Kentucky. She wants to be in Philly. She has 3 kids in Philly - but will not get the support from them that she got from us, or in Kentucky.
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Old 03-24-2014, 06:57 PM   #62
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What's crazy, in our situation, the granny flat/casita had MUCH nicer finishes than we have in our house. (Travertine floors/bathrooms, beautiful appliances, well thought out storage. Lots of architectural details and a fabulous view.) She loved the house - just not the geography. She liked the "little house".... because it was laid out with her needs in mind.

She didn't like living in coastal San Diego. She doesn't like living in Kentucky. She wants to be in Philly. She has 3 kids in Philly - but will not get the support from them that she got from us, or in Kentucky.
Let her go to Philadelphia. She is an adult and has the right to make choices that you feel are unwise. Her priorities are different from yours and that is understandable. You and DH have done your best to support her and should feel good about that. The only certainty is that the situation will change. The deterioration is usually stepwise.

The theme of guilt is a major issue when trying to help elderly parents. As long as they are compos mentis, they are autonomous and responsible for the consequences of their decisions. So, for example, if your mother called one day and said she wanted to return to the casita, you would not be under any obligation to ask your tenant to leave.

I have a friend who is the most amazing daughter to her mother and is still wracked with guilt.

I went through this some years ago and it seemed that nothing I proposed or put in place was acceptable. Eventually I learned to go with the flow, support my mother's decisions even if I thought they were foolhardy, and wait for the next health crisis to force the issue. It helped to remind myself that I had scored high in satisfaction despite failing in risk management.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:05 PM   #63
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I went through this some years ago and it seemed that nothing I proposed or put in place was acceptable. Eventually I learned to go with the flow, support my mother's decisions even if I thought they were foolhardy, and wait for the next health crisis to force the issue. It helped to remind myself that I had scored high in satisfaction despite failing in risk management.
Do you mean from your Mother's pov?

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Old 03-24-2014, 07:09 PM   #64
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Do you mean from your Mother's pov?

Ha
Yes, I meant that she felt happy in her own home (three story brownstone) despite being at risk of falling.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:13 PM   #65
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Ha ha:
Yeah yeah .... I am a pitiful weakling and a pushover. And I deserve whatever will be coming my way regarding this issue.
Try and get her signed up onto this site. We'll keep her occupied for several hours a day to give your family a break.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:15 PM   #66
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Yes, I meant that she felt happy in her own home (three story brownstone) despite being at risk of falling.
Sometimes I think we (children) go out of our way trying to protect our parents from things that are obvious to us and yet If an elderly person is happy living in a place she has always called home and then falls and dies because nobody found her right after the fall. What right do we have to put that person in protective custody?
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:17 PM   #67
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Yes, I meant that she felt happy in her own home (three story brownstone) despite being at risk of falling.
That is what I assumed. Hard to do, but more satisfactory.

A person often spends her entire life achieving and perfecting agency, then finds it slipping/being taken away. Not a very happy circumstance.

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Old 03-24-2014, 07:22 PM   #68
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A person often spends her entire life achieving and perfecting agency, then finds it slipping/being taken away. Not a very happy circumstance.

Ha
For my mother, loss of independence and control was a far more pressing issue than the risk of falling.
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:17 AM   #69
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Family reunion, mother included: the issue was thoroughly discussed. Bottom line: she doesn't want to be moved around. Anywhere. She is happy the way she is now. My siblings: "tough luck, sh** happens"
End of story. Thank you all.
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:29 AM   #70
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Family reunion, mother included: the issue was thoroughly discussed. Bottom line: she doesn't want to be moved around. Anywhere. She is happy the way she is now. My siblings: "tough luck, sh** happens"
End of story. Thank you all.
Funny, she doesn't sound all that happy...

Good luck, Vicente!
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:31 AM   #71
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Family reunion, mother included: the issue was thoroughly discussed. Bottom line: she doesn't want to be moved around. Anywhere. She is happy the way she is now. My siblings: "tough luck, sh** happens"
End of story. Thank you all.
How skillful are your local police detectives?
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:33 AM   #72
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Family reunion, mother included: the issue was thoroughly discussed. Bottom line: she doesn't want to be moved around. Anywhere. She is happy the way she is now. My siblings: "tough luck, sh** happens"
End of story. Thank you all.
That's all very fine and dandy, but what about the smoking? You still need to establish a no-smoking zone, for the sake of your health and DW's.
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:45 AM   #73
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Family reunion, mother included: the issue was thoroughly discussed. Bottom line: she doesn't want to be moved around. Anywhere. She is happy the way she is now. My siblings: "tough luck, sh** happens"
End of story. Thank you all.


If you put up with it, then you deserve the quote...


I would not give up MY happiness for my mom... and it sounds like you are....
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:52 AM   #74
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You could turn that around to your mother: set up your new rules and when she complains, give her the "tough luck, s**t happens" response.
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:54 AM   #75
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You could turn that around to your mother: set up your new rules and when she complains, give her the "tough luck, s**t happens" response.
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:57 AM   #76
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If you put up with it, then you deserve the quote...

I would not give up MY happiness for my mom... and it sounds like you are....
A lot of people would disagree. I most certainly will. My mom made a lot of sacrifice for her family and in some instances gave up her dream to raise healthy well adjusted children and does deserve to be comfortable in her old age. She expended far more effort nuturing and taking care of me. I would not be happy if I know my mother is somehow suffering or otherwise deprived but to everyone their own.
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:59 AM   #77
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God how I loath passive-aggressive behavior...
Truer words were never spoken. I've taken to telling my reports at work that passive-aggressive behavior is my hot-button issue.

To the OP, as tough as it is, you must address or your resentment will likely grow until you blow like a volcano. Then, everyone loses.
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Old 03-25-2014, 01:08 PM   #78
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My sister moved my Mom from her apartment in Pa. into her house in Florida .It was a disaster . Sister resented Mom . Mom was upset with my sister and my sister decided to try to move Mom to my house . Luckily Mom got fed up with the situation and moved back to Pa. and into an independent living facility that is attached to long term care . Moral of the story let your parents stay where they are until they are ready to move or it is unsafe . My Mom is happy in her independent apartment but the ruckus this caused in the family has still not healed .
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Old 03-25-2014, 01:18 PM   #79
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How skillful are your local police detectives?
.?
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Old 03-25-2014, 01:29 PM   #80
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.?
Bad Yanqui joke. Carry on.
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