Mom is living with us

[RetireAge50]

I might put up with some if this for a very short period of time (maybe a week).

After that sorry mom you have to go.

There is zero chance she would be smoking in my house and the television would be off during daytime hours.

Also she does not get any input to how I I live my life and if she wants to sulk that is perfect. Less noise for me.

By the way, if she does stay, she will like it better in the normal environment you establish and demand.

 

[pb4uski]

We will sometime soon have to be dealing with what I fear is a similar situation for my mother, except while she says she wants to remain independent she seems reluctant to accept assists that would allow her to stay independent. OTOH, she smokes as well and none of us are keen on hosting her given her smoking.

What we are heading towards is situation where she will be living on her own but where me or one of my 4 siblings is close by and can check in on her every day, have her over for dinner once or twice a week, send over meals to her occasionally, etc. In the summer it is easy since she lives a 3 minute walk down the road from us and between DW and I we can pop in an check in on her frequently enough.

In the winter she lives 1,700 miles away from any of us. We would like to have her move to either senior housing or assisted living near 3 of my siblings and in the winter between the 3 of them and her grandchildren they can check in on her frequently. Alternatively, a guest cottage or MIL apartment on one of my siblings properties may be a winter possibility as well.

...Yeah yeah .... I am a pitiful weakling and a pushover. And I deserve whatever will be coming my way regarding this issue.

No disrespect, but IMHO it is time to grow a pair and exhibit some tough love to save your marriage and your life.

 

[HFWR]

Ha ha:
Yeah yeah .... I am a pitiful weakling and a pushover. And I deserve whatever will be coming my way regarding this issue.

Well, in your defense, you're trying to do the right thing, and are being taken advantage. It's alarmingly easy to fall into this position, but much harder to extract yourself from same...

 

[braumeister]

What we are heading towards is situation where she will be living on her own

With my mom, the time came that living in her own apartment (just ten miles from me) became too much for her. Walking the two blocks to the supermarket was impossible because it was all uphill in both directions. Cooking was such a chore that she quit doing it. Ordering food from the nearby restaurants that delivered was out of the question "because I don't want to."

So after a number of weeks of bringing her meals, I finally had enough. I insisted that she move into a retirement community. This was a very nice place that was actually closer to my house. Everyone had their own apartment in the building, with twice a week maid service included. Three meals were served each day in the dining room down the hall (just a five minute walk from her door, walking slowly). It was perfect for her. And after a month or so of grumbling, she came to love it, with lots of new friends of a similar age.

That stage lasted for a number of years, and worked out really well. After that, she needed an assisted living facility, but my point is that there are usually options.

 

[homestead]

A friend of mine who lived out of state from his mother gave her two choices near the end of her life. She could either move into an assisted living place or have a full time attendant in her home. Since he made the choices he picked two choices that he could live with. She liked the idea that she could choose her future and chose the live in attendant. They were both happy with the choice.

 

[pb4uski]

With my mom, the time came that living in her own apartment (just ten miles from me) became too much for her. Walking the two blocks to the supermarket was impossible because it was all uphill in both directions. Cooking was such a chore that she quit doing it. Ordering food from the nearby restaurants that delivered was out of the question "because I don't want to."

So after a number of weeks of bringing her meals, I finally had enough. I insisted that she move into a retirement community. This was a very nice place that was actually closer to my house. Everyone had their own apartment in the building, with twice a week maid service included. Three meals were served each day in the dining room down the hall (just a five minute walk from her door, walking slowly). It was perfect for her. And after a month or so of grumbling, she came to love it, with lots of new friends of a similar age.

That stage lasted for a number of years, and worked out really well. After that, she needed an assisted living facility, but my point is that there are usually options.

What you describe would be our ideal solution and is called assisted living around here. There is an assisted living facility within a few miles of my 3 siblings. Mom's brother lives in one in California that is great. He has a nice one-bedroom apartment with a small kitchenette and goes down to the dining room for each meal. Each meal usually has a few menu choices and is also a opportunity for the residents to be social.

Mom is a bit of a picky eater so that could be a problem. I offered to set up a meals on wheels delivery a few days a week so she could avoid the chore of cooking but she wouldn't have any of it. You can only do so much.

 

[kgtest]

I know this is a delicate and sensitive issue but I need to tell somebody how I feel, which is.....trapped in my own house. When she came I told her to make herself at home. And she most certainly did!
She has her own room with all the fixtures, but she is never there. She is a chain smoker and I am trying to stay quit. 12 hours a day of TV in the family room when it used to be off. Intruding and constantly meddling in our conversation. No intimacy of any kind. The last one to go to bed and the first up. Letting at all time her presence known. Constantly watching us she is pusshing us to barely used parts of our home.
She cant stand any sort of advice or comment: the result-dignified silence, hurt pride and sulkiness.
I could go on.... But I think all of you get the picture.
Should I have a showdown with her, setting basic reasonable limits....or...there is nothing to be done.
Ah....There are 9 of us siblings, but I have this ominous feeling of being the one stuck with this situation.

How long has she lived with you now? Curious because I had my folks simply visiting me and I reached breaking point in like 9days. It was mainly my dad, and I love him to death but its funny how living with them again brings out the nasty in everyone.

 

[Amethyst]

My mother, who was 40 when I was born (thus, well past 50 when I was a teen) and was not from the U.S., expressed a very similar view to Ha's quote. She said she realized the times in which I was growing up were very different from when she grew up, and that she trusted me to show common sense and display class, whatever the situation. She was always interested in what I had to say (even though I'm sure she felt like rolling her eyes at times!) and often asked me about my views on things. Also, my teenage friends liked Mom because she was interested in what they had to say.

I don't "get" the excuses I'm hearing in this thread about how it's expected that older women from non-U.S. cultures naturally will be selfish, intrusive, and boring. What, are they taught that in some kind of school which my Mother, and her mother, somehow missed attending?

I think Vicente just needed to blow off steam and hear from somebody who isn't in the middle of the situation. This forum is a fine resource for that kind of help.

Amethyst

Overall I think that many of us over 50 tend to annoy younger people because we either have no idea how they think, or just assume that it is immature and inferior to the way we think. By far our most important job with adult children ordinarily will be to be likable and respectful in our dealings with them.

Ha

 

[rodi]

All of this is resonating for me.

7 years ago we completed construction on a free standing granny flat on our lot - completely handicap accessible. (FIL was in a wheelchair.) MIL and FIL moved in, but felt disconnected from their family/siblings. FIL had advanced dementia and was completely wheelchair bound - but MIL insisted on taking him (BY TRAIN because she feared flying) to the Jersey shore for 2 months (jointly owned family bungalow), then back to her home in Kentucky, near where my SIL lives. She did this 3 state migration for 5 years.

She agreed it was easiest to care for my FIL in the granny flat. But she wanted to return to Philly, PA (a 4th state) because that's where her friends and siblings were. But when offered help to go househunting, she'd find excuses not to go look for a suitable living situation there.

A year and a half ago she announced she was not returning to the Casita. We started renting out.
A year ago we realized her dementia had advanced significantly - and DH and SIL obtained guardianship of her and FIL. She fought FIL going to nursing home tooth and nail but she'd fired in home nursing care we hired. (He's since passed.)

Now we're at the point she needs to probably move to a memory care unit someplace. She's been living independently - but under close observation of SIL who goes to visit daily. SIL can't keep it up - she has her own issues to deal with. It's time to go into assisted living, but MIL is absolutely against it. We've offered to have her move into the casita again - she's absolutely against it.

My husband's family is Italian - so some of the same cultural things are at play. I enjoyed having the in-laws in the casita - it was 50 feet from our house - so we could assist at any time without having to get in a car - but she had her own house, we had our own house - the perfect scenario.

 

[ejman]

All of this is resonating for me.

7 years ago we completed construction on a free standing granny flat on our lot - completely handicap accessible. (FIL was in a wheelchair.) MIL and FIL moved in, but felt disconnected from their family/siblings. FIL had advanced dementia and was completely wheelchair bound - but MIL insisted on taking him (BY TRAIN because she feared flying) to the Jersey shore for 2 months (jointly owned family bungalow), then back to her home in Kentucky, near where my SIL lives. She did this 3 state migration for 5 years.

She agreed it was easiest to care for my FIL in the granny flat. But she wanted to return to Philly, PA (a 4th state) because that's where her friends and siblings were. But when offered help to go househunting, she'd find excuses not to go look for a suitable living situation there.

A year and a half ago she announced she was not returning to the Casita. We started renting out.
A year ago we realized her dementia had advanced significantly - and DH and SIL obtained guardianship of her and FIL. She fought FIL going to nursing home tooth and nail but she'd fired in home nursing care we hired. (He's since passed.)

Now we're at the point she needs to probably move to a memory care unit someplace. She's been living independently - but under close observation of SIL who goes to visit daily. SIL can't keep it up - she has her own issues to deal with. It's time to go into assisted living, but MIL is absolutely against it. We've offered to have her move into the casita again - she's absolutely against it.

My husband's family is Italian - so some of the same cultural things are at play. I enjoyed having the in-laws in the casita - it was 50 feet from our house - so we could assist at any time without having to get in a car - but she had her own house, we had our own house - the perfect scenario.

Certainly resonates here as well. When I found our place in a nice rural area I thought "perfect for my mom. She's in her own little guest house less than 75 ft from our home - wonderful!" When we moved in she said "you are crazy if you think I'm going to live in that little house over there" So she moved in with us. After a short while my wife said " if she stays I'm gone" So I found her an apartment in town, and shortly thereafter dementia became more pronounced and assisted living and then nursing homes soon followed. There are no perfect answers and each family writes its own version of this Greek tragedy.

 

[rodi]

Certainly resonates here as well. When I found our place in a nice rural area I thought "perfect for my mom. She's in her own little guest house less than 75 ft from our home - wonderful!" When we moved in she said "you are crazy if you think I'm going to live in that little house over there" So she moved in with us. After a short while my wife said " if she stays I'm gone" So I found her an apartment in town, and shortly thereafter dementia became more pronounced and assisted living and then nursing homes soon followed. There are no perfect answers and each family writes its own version of this Greek tragedy.

What's crazy, in our situation, the granny flat/casita had MUCH nicer finishes than we have in our house. (Travertine floors/bathrooms, beautiful appliances, well thought out storage. Lots of architectural details and a fabulous view.) She loved the house - just not the geography. She liked the "little house".... because it was laid out with her needs in mind.

She didn't like living in coastal San Diego. She doesn't like living in Kentucky. She wants to be in Philly. She has 3 kids in Philly - but will not get the support from them that she got from us, or in Kentucky.

 

[Meadbh]

What's crazy, in our situation, the granny flat/casita had MUCH nicer finishes than we have in our house. (Travertine floors/bathrooms, beautiful appliances, well thought out storage. Lots of architectural details and a fabulous view.) She loved the house - just not the geography. She liked the "little house".... because it was laid out with her needs in mind.

She didn't like living in coastal San Diego. She doesn't like living in Kentucky. She wants to be in Philly. She has 3 kids in Philly - but will not get the support from them that she got from us, or in Kentucky.

Let her go to Philadelphia. She is an adult and has the right to make choices that you feel are unwise. Her priorities are different from yours and that is understandable. You and DH have done your best to support her and should feel good about that. The only certainty is that the situation will change. The deterioration is usually stepwise.

The theme of guilt is a major issue when trying to help elderly parents. As long as they are compos mentis, they are autonomous and responsible for the consequences of their decisions. So, for example, if your mother called one day and said she wanted to return to the casita, you would not be under any obligation to ask your tenant to leave.

I have a friend who is the most amazing daughter to her mother and is still wracked with guilt.

I went through this some years ago and it seemed that nothing I proposed or put in place was acceptable. Eventually I learned to go with the flow, support my mother's decisions even if I thought they were foolhardy, and wait for the next health crisis to force the issue. It helped to remind myself that I had scored high in satisfaction despite failing in risk management.

 

[haha]

I went through this some years ago and it seemed that nothing I proposed or put in place was acceptable. Eventually I learned to go with the flow, support my mother's decisions even if I thought they were foolhardy, and wait for the next health crisis to force the issue. It helped to remind myself that I had scored high in satisfaction despite failing in risk management.

Do you mean from your Mother's pov?

Ha

 

[Meadbh]

Do you mean from your Mother's pov?

Ha

Yes, I meant that she felt happy in her own home (three story brownstone) despite being at risk of falling.

 

[Alan]

Ha ha:
Yeah yeah .... I am a pitiful weakling and a pushover. And I deserve whatever will be coming my way regarding this issue.

Try and get her signed up onto this site. We'll keep her occupied for several hours a day to give your family a break.

 

[ejman]

Yes, I meant that she felt happy in her own home (three story brownstone) despite being at risk of falling.

Sometimes I think we (children) go out of our way trying to protect our parents from things that are obvious to us and yet If an elderly person is happy living in a place she has always called home and then falls and dies because nobody found her right after the fall. What right do we have to put that person in protective custody?

 

[haha]

Yes, I meant that she felt happy in her own home (three story brownstone) despite being at risk of falling.

That is what I assumed. Hard to do, but more satisfactory.

A person often spends her entire life achieving and perfecting agency, then finds it slipping/being taken away. Not a very happy circumstance.

Ha

 

[Meadbh]

A person often spends her entire life achieving and perfecting agency, then finds it slipping/being taken away. Not a very happy circumstance.

Ha

For my mother, loss of independence and control was a far more pressing issue than the risk of falling.

 

[vicente solano]

Family reunion, mother included: the issue was thoroughly discussed. Bottom line: she doesn't want to be moved around. Anywhere. She is happy the way she is now. My siblings: "tough luck, sh** happens"
End of story. Thank you all.

 

[HFWR]

Family reunion, mother included: the issue was thoroughly discussed. Bottom line: she doesn't want to be moved around. Anywhere. She is happy the way she is now. My siblings: "tough luck, sh** happens"
End of story. Thank you all.

Funny, she doesn't sound all that happy...

Good luck, Vicente!

 

[haha]

Family reunion, mother included: the issue was thoroughly discussed. Bottom line: she doesn't want to be moved around. Anywhere. She is happy the way she is now. My siblings: "tough luck, sh** happens"
End of story. Thank you all.

How skillful are your local police detectives?

 

[Meadbh]

Family reunion, mother included: the issue was thoroughly discussed. Bottom line: she doesn't want to be moved around. Anywhere. She is happy the way she is now. My siblings: "tough luck, sh** happens"
End of story. Thank you all.

That's all very fine and dandy, but what about the smoking? You still need to establish a no-smoking zone, for the sake of your health and DW's.

 

[Texas Proud]

Family reunion, mother included: the issue was thoroughly discussed. Bottom line: she doesn't want to be moved around. Anywhere. She is happy the way she is now. My siblings: "tough luck, sh** happens"
End of story. Thank you all.

If you put up with it, then you deserve the quote...


I would not give up MY happiness for my mom... and it sounds like you are....

 

[Bestwifeever]

You could turn that around to your mother: set up your new rules and when she complains, give her the "tough luck, s**t happens" response.

 

[HFWR]

You could turn that around to your mother: set up your new rules and when she complains, give her the "tough luck, s**t happens" response.

+1