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Old 03-03-2014, 01:32 PM   #61
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Actually, I came here asking if others had experienced something similar. As usual, the replies were more, um, fulsome than just that.
Hi, Brewer,

I am going to start by saying this: If all you wanted was Yes/No answers, you could have set up a poll and sidestepped the fulsome replies of a bunch of people who care very much about you and your situation and apparently have done so for some time.

Just Yes/No is not what you were looking for, it seems to me.
Really, is just knowing others have argued more, or not, all you want here?

I say this because your comment about a "hunting accident that wasn't" worries me.

Also, like W2R, I also noted immediately your lack of respect for your wife's profession, so I think to myself, maybe retirement is not the only problem here. It's during all this new time together that a lot of other stuff may be surfacing, if it's there.

Yes, DH and I have argued more. We have more time to argue, for one thing, and we have also been working out our new ways of living.

It has not been an easy 5 years along the way after he got whacked by a RIF, as Ziggy put it. It took its toll on him, and on our marriage, in many ways.

However, we've made it through, we seem to have our lives back -- no, I take that back -- we have a better life than we had.

I had to get him to the state that "the worst day of retirement is better than the best day w*rking." It is still not always smooth sailing, but then, hey, when is it ever?

A month and a half is not very long into this transition at all.

But if you are seriously considering abusing the contents of your gun safe, I hope you talk to your doctor.

You didn't work and anticipate retirement to end up taking a long walk in the woods to not come back, now, did you?

You don't have to do this alone, so I do hope you keep reaching out to get whatever feedback you need along the way.
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Old 03-03-2014, 01:37 PM   #62
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Old 03-03-2014, 02:04 PM   #63
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I've made it clear before that I think a youngish married man is much better off with a job or business than home subject to his wife' s moods. Most people here seem to strongly disagree. But then, we all know that this forum is a special planet.

Ha
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Old 03-03-2014, 02:28 PM   #64
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My SO & I retired at different times . He retired first then I retired then he took a part time job and then we both did very part time jobs from home . The only time we argued was when he retired and I was still working for a few more months . I resented the fact that he was home and I was not even though he did all the cooking .Once I retired peace reigned in the household . Maybe your wife would also like a break and does not know how to express it. Plus she is probably also nervous about the finances .
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Old 03-03-2014, 04:13 PM   #65
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I do think DH and I have more arguments since he retired and I semi-retired. We've always tended to, I guess I would call it bickering. It isn't serious in that it doesn't threaten our marriage. I don't even really see it as conflict. But, there is more of it with both of us together more often than not.

We do still have kids at home (not for long, they are in college) so that does add some more stress and gives fuel to things to argument about (ie a lot of arguments are kid-related) and puts more stress.

It is helped somewhat by the fact as mentioned by someone else that we have somewhat different sleep schedules. DH goes to bed usually earlier than I do and he gets up much earlier so that gives each of us some times when it is almost like we are alone in the house.

As for counseling - as someone with an MSW (master's in social work - I don't work in the field however) - it is perhaps not surprising that I think that counseling (or psychotherapy for that matter) can be beneficial. For a time DH and I did meet with a therapist regularly regarding issues related to one of our children. I never felt that they were more on my side because of the fact that I was an LMSW.

I do think that whether there is any benefit often depends on the therapist and how their strengths and abilities match up to your issues. I saw a therapist (individually) a few years ago that I liked a lot. We got along very well. But, not much happened therapeutically. In that case, she was very sympathetic to my situation at the time (my issues were mostly related to kids) and she often agreed with my approach. As a result, she didn't push me much where she should have pushed me. So, even though she was nice and we had a good rapport, we didn't get much done. But, that has been an outlier. I have found with my kids that therapy has often been really life altering for them and I personally have found benefit in the past.
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Old 03-03-2014, 05:03 PM   #66
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I assume that these present communication issues with your DW pale in comparison to what you experienced on the job, so perhaps you should take solice that life is indeed much better now. Remember, you have some control over the situation and realize it takes two to make an argument and two to fix it.
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Old 03-03-2014, 05:14 PM   #67
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Maybe I will just go find another job.
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Old 03-03-2014, 05:18 PM   #68
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You always made it clear you were interested in escaping FROM your previous job, but never talked about what you wanted to escape TO. Sounds like you're still not sure.
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Old 03-03-2014, 06:47 PM   #69
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I do think DH and I have more arguments since he retired and I semi-retired. We've always tended to, I guess I would call it bickering. It isn't serious in that it doesn't threaten our marriage. I don't even really see it as conflict. But, there is more of it with both of us together more often than not.

We do still have kids at home (not for long, they are in college) so that does add some more stress and gives fuel to things to argument about (ie a lot of arguments are kid-related) and puts more stress.

It is helped somewhat by the fact as mentioned by someone else that we have somewhat different sleep schedules. DH goes to bed usually earlier than I do and he gets up much earlier so that gives each of us some times when it is almost like we are alone in the house.

As for counseling - as someone with an MSW (master's in social work - I don't work in the field however) - it is perhaps not surprising that I think that counseling (or psychotherapy for that matter) can be beneficial. For a time DH and I did meet with a therapist regularly regarding issues related to one of our children. I never felt that they were more on my side because of the fact that I was an LMSW.

I do think that whether there is any benefit often depends on the therapist and how their strengths and abilities match up to your issues. I saw a therapist (individually) a few years ago that I liked a lot. We got along very well. But, not much happened therapeutically. In that case, she was very sympathetic to my situation at the time (my issues were mostly related to kids) and she often agreed with my approach. As a result, she didn't push me much where she should have pushed me. So, even though she was nice and we had a good rapport, we didn't get much done. But, that has been an outlier. I have found with my kids that therapy has often been really life altering for them and I personally have found benefit in the past.
Good to hear. My experience with therapists have been the opposite. I found that they listen and don't really give any meaningful advice or strategies on how to deal with the issue. I felt like I was paying them to just listen. Why the heck do I need them then? I could do that with friends or family. I don't think they are helpful for children either; they give children ideas and make them think of things that they may not otherwise think about. It's not always a good strategy to focus internally. Some things are better left untended. I had one asked my daughter, who I had taken to her because of focus issues in school, if she ever contemplated suicide. How asinine is that? Even if the child is not thinking about it, well just maybe the therapist would give them ideas. I find that our culture have become a therapy culture much more so that anywhere else. How ridiculous.
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Old 03-03-2014, 06:59 PM   #70
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I don't know, but in the 90s I was living with a fine woman but not happy. I didn't know what to do. I talked to a counselor who said one simple thing when I said I felt trapped: "if you stay, she's trapped too". The lightbulb clicked on.
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Old 03-03-2014, 07:07 PM   #71
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You always made it clear you were interested in escaping FROM your previous job, but never talked about what you wanted to escape TO. Sounds like you're still not sure.
Touche.

It sure as hell was not to become a member of the debate club. Either things will change or I will go find another job.
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Old 03-03-2014, 07:21 PM   #72
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May I ask what it is you feel you are "debating" about?

You say you don't believe in counseling, but isn't participating on this forum a form of counseling by like minded people....although I see not all agree with your point of view...but that's OK is it not?

Perhaps with retirement being new you need time to "exhale" and decompress from the job....it is a matter of DW scheduling your day now that you are home?

I live alone and it has taken me a year ( since Jan 4 2013) to really feel like it's over (work) and I'm free...I actually so enjoy the peace and quiet I can't imagine what it'd be like to have someone in the background even in some remote way trying to run my life....so I can empathize with you to some extent.....and 40 questions about every subject would really drive me crazy ( if that's the problem.....)

You sound depressed and angry..which is a shame when you should be feeling on top of the world.....
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Old 03-03-2014, 07:39 PM   #73
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I am a month and a half into being job free, but spousal arguments have definitely been more frequent since the separation. Anyone else trod a similar path, or am I just lucky?
Not more arguments, but a lot more "please get the **** out of my way" incidents, directed at each other.
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Old 03-03-2014, 07:45 PM   #74
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I'd be given sh!t for that for sure. Hunting season just ended and I would be gone at least a day a week pursuing whatever was in season and edible. Did not reduce incidence of excrement storms, so far as I could tell. Small children in the mix. Perhaps if I manufactured a need for a job things might be different. Maybe I am not destined to get a break from work.
Sounds like either you know that she prefers that you were working, or you prefer to be working.

Sounds like you have handed over your power in the relationship to your wife, did that coincide with you discontinuing work?

I have heard from others that power in their relationship seems to drift towards the one working (making a living) under some antiquated belief that work = value.

In infamous words from the hilarious play "The Book of Mormon" It's time for you to "man up all over yourself." (please take this in the humorous vain it is intended)
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Old 03-03-2014, 10:47 PM   #75
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Not more arguments, but a lot more "please get the **** out of my way" incidents, directed at each other.
I'll bet many resemble that remark
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Old 03-04-2014, 12:20 AM   #76
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I heard a lot of stories like this at work and online. Makes sense since you're spending so much time together now rather than just spending time on the weekend.

I probably will get a part time job just so I can get out of the house to avoid a divorce
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Old 03-04-2014, 03:14 AM   #77
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Oh, so funny. Definitely more "You're in my way" incidents now that I am retired. Mr. A. is much bigger than I am, with great big feet - and when a thought strikes him or he is trying to remember something, he simply plants his big self on the spot, and it's impossible to get around him! And now that he is older, he is always trying to remember something! (This is not, however, why I took the consulting offer).

For the rest - I would not dream of attempting to counsel Brewer. He doesn't seem to want it.

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Not more arguments, but a lot more "please get the **** out of my way" incidents, directed at each other.
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Old 03-04-2014, 03:49 AM   #78
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Are you invested in this relationship for the long haul?

Is "re-balancing" by getting a new job so soon after such a short time in ER a short sited decision influenced by the "noise" associated with the current environment?

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Old 03-04-2014, 05:00 AM   #79
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We didn't really have more arguments but did take some time to sort out our space issues. I have a nice, detached workshop and this seems to work for us to stay out of each others way. We both have a lot of hobbies as well, only a few that we share.
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Old 03-04-2014, 06:09 AM   #80
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I've been retired almost two months. My wife and I also had a few arguments especially the first two weeks. Looking back...I can see how that is a normal adjustment thing. Things will smooth out. And it's winter time...

You are like me...an outdoorsman. Taxidermy, shed hunting, beekeeping, getting a garden ready, being with friends out in the woods, doing real life stuff, my friend...

I say...follow your passions. You need to have purpose and passions to follow. That's why we retire, (unless the job is so bad you gotta escape). I also think a lot of counseling is BS.

I have been wanting to get a powered parachute. Next adventure this summer...my wife ain't crazy about that, but I got this passion that's been driving me crazy...the job held me back, but not anymore. Look at it in it's true light Brewer...you are blessed and don't know it.
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