Mother-in-law Advice

[Winter]

Good_Life,

I read your thoughtful response above and just wanted to say that I think you are a good person. It sounded like the original post was more blowing off steam and I loved the way you were open to hearing feedback and suggestions from everyone.

You wrote a very gracious reply to it all above and that's not something that was necessarily shown by some of the other posters here. We are all human and sometimes our emotions get the better of us but there is no need to be unkind in our responses.

Best wishes on your relationship with you mother-in-law from here on out. It sounds like you got some great insight. So happy for you. She sounds like a pretty great lady, just human as we all are with the accompanying quirks.

 

[gwraigty]

Your wife in not a kind person to complain about petty crap like this...Unless there are bad childhood issues or past neglect, you both should be ashamed of yourselves. You both sound like a couple of Jr High mean girls..

That you read the responses to her daughter and you both have a good laugh over them isn't cool.

Wow.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

Wow.

+1

 

[Major Tom]

Holy moly Ivinsfan. I think you have severely misinterpreted the intent of the OP.


Another +1 here for those who have said "Wow".

 

[MRG]

Wow.

There's a button you can press to ignore a poster's comments. Just hit their profile and check ignore/block.

 

[W2R]

Holy moly Ivinsfan. I think you have severely misinterpreted the intent of the OP.


Another +1 here for those who have said "Wow".

I think this whole thread is a "Wow", not just Ivinsfan's post. I haven't posted in this thread, mainly because I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. So much of the topic has to do with interpersonal family relationships and those are unique to each family. I have nothing to say about what the OP says to his MIL or doesn't concerning who is to clean her plates after dinner.

Well, maybe ONE little idea - - he should just take his MIL to a nice restaurant when she is there for dinner, instead of cooking for her at home. The restaurant's wait staff will deal with the dirty dishes. Problem solved.

 

[ivinsfan]

To those of you saying wow..I just put myself in Moms shoes..I'd be really hurt by this thread.. the lady hasn't done anything but fail to clear her dirty dishes.if you want me to clear my dishes just ask me directly..it just feels disrespectful..

 

[ivinsfan]

I think this whole thread is a "Wow", not just Ivinsfan's post. I haven't posted in this thread, mainly because I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. So much of the topic has to do with interpersonal family relationships and those are unique to each family. I have nothing to say about what the OP says to his MIL or doesn't concerning who is to clean her plates after dinner.

Well, maybe ONE little idea - - he should just take his MIL to a nice restaurant when she is there for dinner, instead of cooking for her at home. Problem solved.

I like your solution...

I should have followed your lead and not commented for some reason this hits a hot button for me. I keep thinking of GMA at home thinking what a nice evening she had, while her DD and SIL are discussing her "dish" problem.

 

[ivinsfan]

My thing has always been if something is bugging you tell the person directly...this couple had 3 small children and a willing involved Grandma..it seems petty to have a powwow over some dirty dishes.I'd be fine being asked to clear my dishes but not with having my issue discussed behind my back..it's the talking behind her back that seems mean.not very grown-up hence my mean girls comment

 

[ivinsfan]

Wow.

My whole post was a more balanced I commented on all the good things they said Grandma did and said in the big picture it wasn't kind to complain about a something behind her back. It's not like they even asked if she'd clear the table...grandma doesn't even know its an issue.. For some reason this thread must have hit one of my hot butttons...as a kid that moved to many schools the behind the back mean girls thing has a big impact on me.

 

[gwraigty]

She frankly does quite a few things that do annoy me but all those things really are trivial. I do REALLY appreciate and should focus on how she is a kind and fun grandmother to my three children, which is really what is most important.

See, I knew this wasn't just about dirty dishes. And now you know what to focus on.

 

[Mdlerth]

Silence is golden

...grandma doesn't even know its an issue...

Probably best that it stays that way.

 

[ivinsfan]

Probably best that it stays that way.

Yes either ask her directly to help clear the table or quit talking behind her back about how much it bothers them. Don't do the raised eyebrows or the eye rolling or the discussion behind her back about something so minor.

 

[Good_Life]

Thanks again all for your very helpful comments. Just to clarify things my wife and I just thought some of the posts responding to this were funny, namely about it taking longer for me to type the post then clearing the table, and warnings about “raising the sword of Damocles". Me thinking things are funny is definitely not in some way mocking my MIL. Also my sentence about her taking thirds is DEFINITELY not complaining about her eating too much or mooching (although rereading it I can see how you might presume it). I was actually the one offering her those seconds and thirds and was just trying to make the point that she enjoyed the meal and thought it was worthwhile. I am actually very flattered and love when people take more than one helping when it is something my wife or I have cooked.

Because she lives here full time now and I am seeing her more and more I was afraid this and other annoyances are getting in the way of my relationship with her. I didn’t want it to turn into something more unhealthy so I posted my situation on an anonymous online forum to try to ask for people's advice on ways to deal with this. As others suggested I also felt worried about just talking with her directly about it, (more due to her personality) so I was looking for other tactics to help me with the situation from this forum.

I actually feel way better now after all your advice about it really not being a big deal and love the suggestion about my kids clearing her plate for her. Thanks again all for those who offered such helpful advice!

 

[foxfirev5]

Am I the only one that wishes his MIL was still around to have these petty concerns?

 

[ivinsfan]

Am I the only one that wishes his MIL was still around to have these petty concerns?

No you're not..I'd love to have my MIL and my Mom around....dirty dishes or not

 

[Rochester_Smitty]

Fortunately for me, my MIL does not speak English. She can say hi, bye, good night, good morning. That is about it. She spends about 6 months a year in the country the rest outside the country. My issue is not with my MIL but with my wife when my MIL is in town. She becomes a different person.........

 

[Doribe]

I agree with other posters - let it go. Not worth it.

+1

 

[iloveyoga]

Just count yourself as being a very good son in law and husband (and Dad).

 

[aubailey]

I have just the opposite and I would rather have your situation. My MIL is 90 and stands in the middle of the kitchen asking "what can I do." The answer is nothing. So count your blessings.

 

[Kim451]

Ha! My mother complained for years about my brother and his wife doing the same thing at her house. She only complained to me though, apparently; never said a word to them. It does sound like just having the kids wait on her might be the best option; maybe she'll feel guilty and start cleaning up after herself.

 

[isisdave]

This would have been easier to handle when it first came up, as now there may be expectations. But the general answer for this kind of problem is:

"Ask for what you want."

Grandma isn't a mind reader. Maybe she thinks you're teaching the kids and it's their chore. Maybe she just thinks you're the grandest SIL on the planet, and loves the attention. Maybe you haven't told us about hundreds of hours and car pickups she makes to support your family, and she just thinks it's fair. I'm assuming you all clear your own plates when you eat at her house.

BUT if you want to change it, say something like "Let's get ready for dinner. Susie, you can get the silverware; Jody, you can get the glasses; and Grandma can get the plates and napkins, OK?"

The after-dinner routine will be harder to change to any kind of shared responsibility. But if the kids are all old enough, you could switch to "Susie's day to clear, Jody's day to clear, Grandma's day to clear." and tell her in advance this is coming up.

 

[Wincherr]

You say that your MIL has a good heart, and you get along with her reasonably well. Also, in your post, you mention her picking up the kids and bringing them home. At times when you are tempted to concentrate on the things she is not doing (picking up after herself), I'd refocus on the things she is doing (being there for the family, helping out with rides etc).


I absolutely agree with those who have advised to let it go. I know - it can be hard, but think of the downsides if you "took a stand" and there was tension or, worse still, a rift, as a result. Remember - she's granny, and grannies are allowed to be a little goofy, or "different" (as are any other family members!)

I can’t agree more. Focus on what she does do. It takes a lot less effort to serve her and clean up her plate than it did for her to haul your kids around. Move on!

 

[CaliKid]

Don't sweat the small stuff and it's (almost) all small stuff.

 

[Filetmerlot]

Definitely not worth fretting over. Ask your wife if your MIL used to do all the work at home when guests came over. She may believe that guests are not to lift a hand.

This is my mindset. When I have guests whether friends or family I expect them to enjoy the time they are around. I cook and clean up not expecting them to lift a finger. I think it gets me in trouble with my mil since on the rare occasion we go over there I don’t help clean because I figure we’re the guests.