My Father's Eyes

[yakers]

When did your father/mother see you as an adult/equal?



IN another thread NYEXPAt said

Quote:

Originally Posted by NYEXPAT When I graduated college, I assumed I would go to work at his firm. I still remember my Father laughing and saying "why would I pay you for what you do not know"? Like many lessons, I did not realize he was right till much later. I remember him being proud when my "net worth" exceeded his. But, that's when I realized I was trying to please him and not myself.

This triggered my thinking, when did my father 'see me as a man'? I remember a discussion with a college processor. His father did not see him as a man/adult/equal when he finished school, got a job or got married, it was only when he bought a house.
For others it may be education, marriage, parenthood or financial achievement. For me it was not until I turned 30 and started doing charitable work, became a Big Brother and other activities. Until then he felt I was cruising with others looking four for me or just looking after myself.
Also my father was very debt adverse, a survivor of the depression. Although he had passed away years earlier I sort of felt his presence when I made my final mortgage payment.

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by yakers When did your father/mother see you as an adult/equal?

My mother: died of breast cancer when she was 49 and I was 26. Neither one of us was mature enough to see the other as an adult, let alone an equal.
My father: about eight months ago, shortly after I turned 50 years old. At least it's the first time I've heard it directly from him.

He was in the hospital recovering from ulcer surgery, still doped up on Demerol, and deep into Alzheimer's symptoms. He had decided that I was his old college roommate (luckily they were good friends). One of the RNs came in to take his vital signs, noticed me sitting there, and started talking about family.

Dad said "I have two sons. My younger son is... hmm... a good son. But my older son is a really smart sonovabitch!"

[kat]

...when I was 28 and winning some cases in my new career as a lawyer, just by doing some good research. Dad, who is still living, was an appellate lawyer and lived by his research ability.

Dad had a nice way of saying "good job" when I was starting out and it was easy for me to hear. (I didn't work for him but he heard about it.)

Mom? It's just more complicated.

[chinaco]

When they see a sufficient track record of proof of it!

[rescueme]

Quote:

Originally Posted by yakers When did your father/mother see you as an adult/equal?

Never.

[donheff]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chinaco When they see a sufficient track record of proof of it!

I think that is probably how my Dad saw me and I would guess that would put the transition around my late 20s/early 30s. It was about the same with my son. I always saw him as a good kid, but worried about whether he would do OK with work and life until he was around 30. DD is 25 and I am starting to come around on her now, although I still worry a bit. With many of us it isn't a negative vs positive judgement about our children's worth in any way, it is just worry about whether they will be satisfied with their life and choices.

[Rustward]

Quote:

Originally Posted by yakers When did your father/mother see you as an adult/equal?

At 55, I'm not even there yet with the three older siblings, and at this rate I'll never get there.
BTW, both parents are gone.

[FIREd]

My father started seeing me as an adult when I bought my first house at age 27. The house purchase completed the trifecta: I had my own family, my own career, and my own home.

I don't think my mom will ever see me as an adult.

[kcowan]

My Dad lived to be 95 so I think he caught on around 10 years before that. Maybe 20 years but we never talked about it.

Mom was always proud of my accomplishments but got upset went I became a salesman. She always thought all salesmen were like our cousin selling nut and bolts. Unfortunately she died before I actually got the sales territory, thinking all that tuition had gone down the drain.

[Sue J]

I was 14 or 15 and we were discussing something political. We were at opposite ends of the spectrum and I expected that he'd tell me that he was right and I was wrong and that my opinion didn't count. Instead we agreed to disagree and that was when I felt that he respected me as an adult.

The next one came at about 17. I was raised that it's only acceptable to date Jewish boys. That didn't fit my view of me and my world. I was dating DH (raised Episcopalian) at the time and my Dad came to my room and sat on the bed and said, "Don't you think you should date a few Jewish boys?" I simply said, "No." and that was the end of it. He liked DH as a person and I think he just felt he was obligated to state this out loud. He was aware that other people thought he shouldn't allow his daughter to date a "goy" but between me and him, we were ok.

When we had our first child, a son, we called him from the hospital and asked if we could name the baby after him. Jews normally don't name babies after living relatives, only dead ones, so this was out of the ordinary. He was thrilled and didn't care at all that it was outside the tradition.

[laurence]

When they needed me to help out with my more dysfunctional siblings.

There are some things that evoke an emotional trigger in our parents, their inability to let you be on an issue or decision is more their internal hangup and has nothing to do with you or me, IMHO. Now that I'm a father of three the jokes about letting them date at 35 sound like a serious proposal to consider....

[HFWR]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nords Dad said "I have two sons. My younger son is... hmm... a good son. But my older son is a really smart sonovabitch!"

But which had the most emphasis: really smart, or sonovabitch? I know which it was in my case...

Quote:

Originally Posted by laurence Now that I'm a father of three the jokes about letting them date at 35 sound like a serious proposal to consider....

You stud! Last I remember it was two.

As for my parents, probably after a few years at Megaconglomocorp. Doubt they ever figured on me making it for 25 years, and not without reasonable cause...

[ls99]

Never happened. My father died when I was 19 months young. Mercifully never had to deal with a step father.

[Keim]

When I hit him.

It was a strange thing. Like a right of passage for my brother and I.

Dad had a bit of a temper. He was not physically violent; letting it out verbally. Except once for both his sons. Each incident happened when we were around 17. I didn't see what happened with my brother. Just heard the story and saw the bruise he planted on Dad.

Dad took a poke at me at church. Ironic, I know. I don't recall why, but am sure my wiseass mouth was involved. I parried his jab, hit him with a counter punch, said "never again!" and stalked off.

And he never did try again. He treated us different after-like we had proven ourselves to him in some weird way.

Despite what it sounds like above, he was (and is) a pretty good Dad.

A more standard moment of fatherly estimation: I know he was impressed when I paid off my mortgage 15 years early.

[old woman]

Mine slowly evolved. I married at 19 and bought a house soon after but I was still young enough they felt the need to buy us a refrigerator. I lived away from them a few years so when I came back they had let go a little. I got divorced at 34 and I think dad saw me as his little girl still. I year later I asked to borrow some money to pay off my ex and dad told my brother I wouldn't have saved enough for the balloon payment anyhow that I couldn't save money. My brother defended me telling dad I had loaned him money. Dad wanted us to be the kids and was saying we weren't saving for retirement like he did at our age. We told him we had more saved than he did at our age. My brother had a pension at work more than dad had at his age. When my dad was his age he had 3 babies and was driving a truck with nothing saved. My little brother had finished 9 years in the navy had kids over 11-13 a wife in college and on his second house. It was a recession so he was out of work so I loaned him money. I had a IRA and was saving to pay off my ex and only wanted to borrow because he would give me a discount and I wouldn't have to talk to him ever again. Now little bro has kids 39-41 and the wife finished college, worked 25 years and retired at 60, he retired at 58 they both have pensions and own a business and have a 5 bedroom house. Dad died and mom lives with them he is 62 and all grown up. I am 63 own a big house and have more than half a million saved so dad was wrong that I couldn't save. Our other brother is 64 and retiring in the spring after his bonus.

[old woman]

I made dad proud when I bought my current house without selling the paid off house first.

[NW-Bound]

I am not sure when my parents looked at me as an adult. Perhaps some time in my 20s, when they started to ask me for my opinion on something that we all knew that I had better knowledge of.

About being equal to my parents, never would I think of that! We are simply not friends!

I fully expect my relationship with my children to be similar.

[bbbamI]

My parents included me whenever decisions were made. They wanted my opinion...so they've always treated me like an equal.

As far as an adult goes...they've always thought of me as their baby. That's fine by me.

[tryan]

Probably sooner ... but when my knowledge of the situation exceeded his.

I am guessing around the time he was working for me (rather than with me).

[Sarah in SC]

I worked for my dad for a dozen years, starting in school. I can't really recall a time, after I left home, that he didn't treat me as an adult. I got married early, at 22, and bought a house with DH the next year. DH asked dad for my hand (old fashioned) and dad said no. DH said, "so I guess that means you won't be coming to the wedding?" Dad never questioned my judgment again, after that. And they did come to the wedding.
Mom, I have no idea. I never knew what she wanted and still don't.