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My performance review tool
Old 02-26-2008, 09:56 PM   #1
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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My performance review tool

I didn't want to trounce Citrine's thread, but I thought some people might get a chuckle with some performance review antics.

We've just started going through the standard megacorp fun. People are going to be force-ranked on a bell curve and the metrics will be published for everyone (translation: my boss was told that he will be picking someone on the team to be a 2 and no one can score a 5, even though all of us typically score as 4's and 5's). Of course, being the type of people we are, we all volunteered to be the 2 (better chance of getting laid off with severance).

To help with the transition, I wrote a tool to randomly assign scores and short evaluations to the employees on the team (there are 6 employees). Below is an excerpt from that list. Note, some of these are very blatantly stolen from other sources so they'll sound familiar:
  • is a Fashion Attire icon
  • is a slave to fashion
  • dress code challenged
  • has hit rock bottom and continues to dig
  • there is a village looking for you....
  • just when you thought you made it idiot-proof, along comes this moron
  • thought work was fun. You lose.
  • score is based on off-hours support
  • has an inability to open Notes
  • used blackberry as spamming tool
  • cause we LIKED the bell-curve.
  • is no <random employee name>
  • always drunk during deployments.
  • caught sleeping at desk.
  • took the last cup of coffee out of machine.
  • Redefines average every day...
  • failed random IQ Test
  • inappropriate use of company issued utensils.
  • smells like something nobody can identify.
  • got caught in stairwell with no badge, nice work idiot.
  • Would follow this employee everywhere, but only out of morbid curiousity
  • Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  • Out of their depth in a parking lot puddle
  • Should give up aspiring to greatness; average would be an achievement at this point
  • Give this person a penny for their thoughts and you'd get change back
  • Rode the tilt-a-whirl too long as a kid
  • Bright as Alaska in December
  • Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
  • Has a room temperature IQ.
  • Will go above and beyond the call of duty for their customer (assuming that managing to show up before noon is going beyond the call of duty)
  • Would argue with a signpost
  • Unqualified to stand in as a CPR dummy
  • If you see two people talking, and one person looks bored, this person is the other one.
  • So dense they bend light
  • Incapable of original thought
  • A few documents short of a deployment request
  • The sole reason the infrastructure group is so busy
  • Voted least likely to be a security risk
  • Greatest achievement was sneaking past security this morning
  • Single-handedly caused us to renumber the sev list to start at sev 0
  • Is no longer allowed in the data center after the last incident
  • Makes up for small paycheck by causing expensive disasters
  • Capable of wasting more employee time than any project manager
  • Brings humor to the workplace. Well, their co-workers like to laugh at them at least
  • Couldn't spell SOA if you spotted them the vowels
  • A bright spot on the team. That is, they're a flaming idiot.
  • Incapable of coming up with quotes for this site
  • Scares small children. Actually, they scare adults too
  • Stuck as a hitch-hiker on the road to success
  • Recommend promoting this person to management immediately. It's the only way we can keep them from screwing up any more code
  • On the road of life, there are drivers and there are passengers... and then there's this speedbump
  • This person is the sole reason there are so many warning labels
  • In the fast lane to success, going 10 mph, with their left turn signal on

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Old 02-26-2008, 10:18 PM   #2
Full time employment: Posting here.
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That's funny! Sadly, a bit true. Some mid-level managers with my agency were promoted to their current positions because they were so horrible at their previous jobs but they can't be fired.

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Old 02-27-2008, 07:00 AM   #3
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Sad but true. The amount of BS in an organization is inversely proportional to the size of that organization. That explains a lot about the federal government....
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
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Old 02-27-2008, 08:02 AM   #4
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Supposedly these are actual excerpts taken from the British Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports (S206s).

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this officer.
* This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't-be.
* When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
* He would be out of his depth in a car-park puddle.
* Technically sound, but socially impossible.
* This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope -- always
spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny;
since then he has aged considerably.
* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started
to dig.
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
* This Officer should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the
* In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap.
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Old 02-27-2008, 08:08 AM   #5
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Foo - this was supposed to be a new thread - too early.
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Old 02-27-2008, 08:17 AM   #6
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This was in an Officer's National Guard performance review:

Major X is a commercial artist in civilian life, he is presently unemployed.

Always wondered how good of an artist he was.

Also had a briefing that stated 'Capt X can nail jelly to the wall'. Briefing team said it did not impress the promotion board. Something about needing better pilots and few jobs for jelly nailer's.

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