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Old 10-07-2011, 02:42 AM   #461
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Thanks for the update, no schadenfreude at all. I feel sorry for BIL + kids, and hope that the hard work will initiate some change of mind in SIL. A group like Al anon might help BIL and kids to cope and stay strong.
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Old 10-07-2011, 06:39 AM   #462
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+1. I feel sad instead.
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Originally Posted by chris2008 View Post
Thanks for the update, no schadenfreude at all.
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Old 10-07-2011, 01:14 PM   #463
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Very interesting that something like this can continue for over a a year and a half.

Thanks for the update. I don't know if it's schraedderfructose or "boy I'm glad that's not me," but it is fascinating.
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Old 10-07-2011, 01:28 PM   #464
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At this point he is of the opinion that keeping the family intact is the best course for his kids.
Being raised by dysfunctional parents, I can tell you that this is the worst thing that can be done for the kids.

As you said, he's doing it to help himself (financial wise). Kids are not dumb; they know what's going on and are also put under much pressure by the actions of adults that don't know better.

Getting them out of the day to day "drama", while difficult, may be the best thing for them.
I lived with the situation (won't go into the details) until I left home. My brothers did not have that option, but things got better after my parents finally divorced.

Never use the children as an excuse not to make the hard decisions, which need to be made.

Been there - lived that.

Just my $.02.
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Old 10-07-2011, 01:49 PM   #465
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Being raised by dysfunctional parents, I can tell you that this is the worst thing that can be done for the kids.

As you said, he's doing it to help himself (financial wise). Kids are not dumb; they know what's going on and are also put under much pressure by the actions of adults that don't know better.

Getting them out of the day to day "drama", while difficult, may be the best thing for them.
I lived with the situation (won't go into the details) until I left home. My brothers did not have that option, but things got better after my parents finally divorced.

Never use the children as an excuse not to make the hard decisions, which need to be made.

Been there - lived that.

Just my $.02.
It seems to me this is a case one dysfunctional and one functional one. It that case it is not so clear what to do.
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Old 10-07-2011, 02:30 PM   #466
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....BIL is instituting tough love on his wife. She now has 2 jobs so works 80 hours a week between the two, including a looong 30-45 minute commute to her 2nd job (night shift). Her 2nd job is in a factory, so also requires physical exertion. I think she has been working like this for a few months now. It provides her enough money to pay her gambling loan interest (5% per month on $xx,xxx in debt). And it exhausts her so she is too tired to gamble, and requires her to be at work on weekends and at night so she doesn't have time off to gamble on weekends (when her gambling buds gamble). The downside is that her and BIL and their kids could only stay at the beach with us for approximately 16 hours before they had to leave so SIL could go back to work on the night shift....
Wow, she works 80 hours a week--maybe she is ashamed of what she's been doing?

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Hope you enjoyed your daily dose of schadenfreude.
None here either, just sympathy for everyone involved, especially the kids. I'm sure it helps your BIL to have your support.
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Old 10-07-2011, 03:43 PM   #467
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Wow, she works 80 hours a week--maybe she is ashamed of what she's been doing?
From BIL's characterization, she is certainly ashamed and is trying to keep up appearances. BIL said he expects her to break eventually and get fed up with working 80 hrs a week just to pay her creditors their 5% a month AND being simultaneously permanently broke. But she still sees gambling as the way out of her debt problems. Guess it has worked pretty well so far for her.
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Old 10-07-2011, 03:45 PM   #468
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Very interesting that something like this can continue for over a a year and a half.
I'm surprised too. If I were a betting man, I would have guessed that the $hit would hit the fan much earlier. Other than their house, they are out of assets to cannibalize. House is 1/2 way through a major renovation, so it is not likely to have any untapped equity in it. And BIL is intentionally not finishing the renovation in order to keep the house unmortgageable.
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Old 10-07-2011, 03:51 PM   #469
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Being raised by dysfunctional parents, I can tell you that this is the worst thing that can be done for the kids.

As you said, he's doing it to help himself (financial wise). Kids are not dumb; they know what's going on and are also put under much pressure by the actions of adults that don't know better.

Getting them out of the day to day "drama", while difficult, may be the best thing for them.
I lived with the situation (won't go into the details) until I left home. My brothers did not have that option, but things got better after my parents finally divorced.

Never use the children as an excuse not to make the hard decisions, which need to be made.

Been there - lived that.

Just my $.02.
2 of the kids are close to being out of the house (or at least potentially out of the house, if age 18 is used as eligibility for leaving the house). Were he to divorce, he could be looking at alimony, losing what little assets they have, possibly getting stuck with some debt, shared custody or limited custody, etc. And things may not settle down for a couple years, about the time the two oldest kids are getting out of the house.

I see where you are coming from - that it is not ideal to be growing up in a dysfunctional household, but the alternative isn't pretty either. Ultimately, BIL is an adult and will choose to pursue what he thinks best for him and the kids.
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Old 10-08-2011, 01:13 AM   #470
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Thanks for the update. I had actually tracked down this thread earlier this week to see if anything new had been posted.
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Old 10-08-2011, 11:33 AM   #471
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What an amazing story; just got finished reading the entire thread. Reality TV was never so interesting. I feel like Im watching 2 trains heading towards each other on the same track, just waiting for the crash. I truly dont see a good ending to this at all. I really feel so sorry for the DH of the SIL. He has no control of his life, and is just watching it spiral deeper and deeper. If theres anyone to be concerned about, it should be him. At least the kids can eventually move away, and probably have some good family support from others. The DH? Not so much. Hope one day he can find some peace in his life.
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Old 10-08-2011, 12:47 PM   #472
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Wow. Just read this whole thread, beginning to end. Took a few hours, but it was like reading a gripping short story.

Sorry Fuego.

I wish you and your family, including extended family, the best.

It's sad to say, but I hope she hits rock bottom soon, for her sake and her immediate family's.

Thank you for sharing.
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Old 10-08-2011, 01:37 PM   #473
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Perhaps this is an allegory for the state of the nation's economy.
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Old 10-10-2011, 10:18 AM   #474
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For a little levity: My daughter, who had just turned 5 at the time, learned about this gambling problem. From that point forward, she would ask "why does [aunt] have a giggling problem"? lol...
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Old 10-10-2011, 08:24 PM   #475
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I would not offer any cash, but I would be there to help pay the rent and pay for food or whatever is needed to help her with her daily living in the short term.

Don't delay facing the problem. It will cost everyone a lot of money.

Best of luck.
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:11 PM   #476
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I would not offer any cash, but I would be there to help pay the rent and pay for food or whatever is needed to help her with her daily living in the short term.

Don't delay facing the problem. It will cost everyone a lot of money.

Best of luck.
She has plenty of money to pay for housing, food, utilities etc. Just not enough to pay that and loan sharks charging 5-10% a month. No way would I further enable her habit by giving any $$ towards necessities, since that would just leave more money to pay the loan sharks. Some day she will have to tell the sharks she can't pay up and can't keep giving 5-10% a month, but that she has repaid them in full and then some with all the interest payments over these months. It is up to her. I'm just protecting my interests and other family members' interests as much as possible at this point.
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