My Story, Final Chapter.........

[FinanceDude]

(Removed by moderators, as requested by FinanceDude.)

 

[Retire2013]

Thank you for sharing, FinanceDude. Have a nice day.

 

[Brat]

In many ways your step-brother is a victim as much as you and your sister. His parents walled him off from you and your sister and they are the only family he knows. Once your father passes away his mother will focus on him. Suppose he marries, can you imagine what life will be like for his wife and children? As sad as your story is his may be as bad, or worse.

 

[FinanceDude]

In many ways your step-brother is a victim as much as you and your sister. His parents walled him off from you and your sister and they are the only family he knows. Once your father passes away his mother will focus on him. Suppose he marries, can you imagine what life will be like for his wife and children? As sad as your story is his may be as bad, or worse.

I thought about that. However, his status is secure. He has always been the golden boy and my stepmom fawns all over him, and always has. He is almost 40 years old, he could have a relationship with me if he wants, right?

He will never marry, he told me that. His live-in GF has a 25 years old son and is 46 years old, and doesn't want marriage or kids. The only child who has grandchildren is me. To top it off, he won't answer my email messages or return my voicemail messages. It is clear he has made his choice also??

 

[Redbugdave]

FinanceDude...

I know it hurts even after all these years. But, as I have always said about my family, "there's no sense in hanging around some place where you are not wanted". I can tell you the pain does go away over time. And you do get over it, (somewhat). It's hard to realize they don't care about you. But once you realize that fact, you can let go and the pain will go away.

Just surround yourself with good friends, a healthy environment, and get on with life, (as you have done).

I don't think I would waste time dealing with them anymore since you know what has happened in the past. If they do make contact with you in the future...I would have my antenna up...there will be an angle to it and it will not be for your welfare...

It's amazing how many crappy people there are in this world. My wife says the crappy one's seem to live the longest, too...I think there's truth in that statement.

 

[JOHNNIE36]

Hey Dude, your final chapter was very interesting reading. Sorry about how things are with you and your "family". I think you went way out of your way to communicate and "bury the hatchet" as they say, which was to no avail. Thanks for telling your story.

 

[East Texas]

There is family of birth and family of choice. Sometimes our family of choice is not our family of birth. Or at least that's how it is with me. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[nun]

OP, do you have issues with your step mom? That might be the reason your father isn't in your life any more. I think this all goes back to the nature of the relationships in your family before your mom died and how you and your father reacted to that. It seems very strange that your father and step mom don't want to acknowledge the previous existence of your biological mom. Why is that?

 

[Moemg]

I am so glad you shared this with us . It's an amazing but sad story . Just because you are related to people doesn't mean you have to like them . Your Dad is the loser in this story .

 

[FinanceDude]

OP, do you have issues with your step mom? That might be the reason your father isn't in your life any more. I think this all goes back to the nature of the relationships in your family before your mom died and how you and your father reacted to that. It seems very strange that your father and step mom don't want to acknowledge the previous existence of your biological mom. Why is that?

I have had issues with my stepmom since about age 11 or so, she became my stepmom at age 7, two years after the death of my mom. She was a strict disciplinarian (I think all moms were back then), but the hitting was a constant. She HAS to be the center of attention, everything is all about her. My dad sacrificed his relationships with us to appease her. I remember my sister and I got SS survivorship benefits paid to my dad as guardian. He used the money to buy us clothes, my stepmom never used the joint checkbook for that. That was one of many things I found out as time went on. My uncle and fiancee moved to SC, and we were NOT allowed to contact them when we were kids. So, it was all about control, and when my stepmom was unable to control her or my sister, she cut us off because she couldn't rule our worlds any more. That seems spiteful to me.

 

[Nova]

Finance Dude, your story is heartbreaking and I am sorry for the pain your parents/half brother have caused you. From personal experience I learned that the longer you hold on to the resentment, the more power you give to the pain. It's like holding on to acid that eats away at you. Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you can forgive them...honest to goodness from the very essence of your being forgiveness...the resentment and pain will be gone. Not suggesting that you try to rekindle what looks to be a toxic relationship, but a letter to your dad appologizing for being a difficult child (why bother explaining anything...he wouldn't understand) and asking his forgiveness might close the "could I have done anything else" question after your dad passes. Just saying...

 

[Texas Proud]

FD.....

I agree that he can have a relationship with you IF he chose to do so... if he thought of you as a brother as he says, he would want one even if his parents did not approve....


And any relationship is a two way street.... if only one person puts in an effort, then it is not a relationship...


I am curious.... what would you do if you heard your father was dying and wanted to see you Or, if you learned he was dying and did not hear anything else, would you reach out

I ask since I heard that Steve Jobs did not reach out to his dad.

 

[HatePayingTaxes]

It always amazes me the kinds of justification people come up with to feel like a victim. Like your dad and stepmom's embarrassment from the community, I'm sure they truly feel that they're the victim. It's really amazing and sad.

 

[haha]

Finance Dude, you shared from your heart and you are a big man. Thanks so much. It is your Dad's and Step-Mom's and half brother's loss for not having the benefit of a relationship with you.

I'm sending you a love package now, I hope you can feel it.

Ha

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

Not an enviable family situation to have. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your own family. The family you grew up with doesn't want to be part of your family, and that's their choice. As a result, what they think of you shouldn't matter to you (though it apparently does for some reason). Not to psychoanalyze, but it would appear that you want a relationship with your dad again, but your stepmother has gotten in the way (and probably caused the rift). Until your dad can break her spell over him, you won't have one. As someone else posted, a relationship is a two way street. You can keep reaching out, but until your dad also reaches out, you're grabbing nothing but air.

 

[Dawg52]

FD, that is one sad story. Looks like you have reached way over the line to have some sort of relationship with your dad and step mom, but they would not reach back just a little. You can only do so much, but I do hate you have to live with this from now on. I'm sure holidays are tough. But on the positive side, you do have a wife and 2 children who love you. I'm sure your relationship with them is even stronger due to your history with your parents.

Best of luck going forward.

 

[FinanceDude]

FD.....

I am curious.... what would you do if you heard your father was dying and wanted to see you Or, if you learned he was dying and did not hear anything else, would you reach out

Of course I would talk to him. I found out he said something curious awhile back. My step-grandmother asked him why I and my family was not invited to visit for the holidays, and he told her: "I don't know WHY he doesn't feel welcome"......... However, you tell me. My grandmother died (my stepmom's mom), my brother called to tell me that. She was my only real connection to my family, she met the kids and DW several times, and my sister and I both kept in touch with her. However, he asked me NOT to attend her funeral, as he thought it would be look awkward and stressful on my parents. I protested vehemently, but he asked me 'as a favor" to him..... Half of me wanted to come anyway, but I decided not to. I regret that at times.........

 

[FinanceDude]

Not an enviable family situation to have. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your own family. The family you grew up with doesn't want to be part of your family, and that's their choice. As a result, what they think of you shouldn't matter to you (though it apparently does for some reason). Not to psychoanalyze, but it would appear that you want a relationship with your dad again, but your stepmother has gotten in the way (and probably caused the rift). Until your dad can break her spell over him, you won't have one. As someone else posted, a relationship is a two way street. You can keep reaching out, but until your dad also reaches out, you're grabbing nothing but air.

You are 100% correct....... I sent my dad many Fathers and birthday cards, and never heard back. One time I asked him about it, and he said he never got them..........

I started to send them to his work address, and he called me to say he got them.............which seems a little suspicious........

 

[FinanceDude]

Finance Dude, your story is heartbreaking and I am sorry for the pain your parents/half brother have caused you. From personal experience I learned that the longer you hold on to the resentment, the more power you give to the pain. It's like holding on to acid that eats away at you. Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you can forgive them...honest to goodness from the very essence of your being forgiveness...the resentment and pain will be gone. Not suggesting that you try to rekindle what looks to be a toxic relationship, but a letter to your dad appologizing for being a difficult child (why bother explaining anything...he wouldn't understand) and asking his forgiveness might close the "could I have done anything else" question after your dad passes. Just saying...

I sent my parents a handwritten 6 page later 13 years ago, telling them my true feelings. I am sure a lot of it was emotional and hurtful, but I wanted them to know how I felt. I heard some feedback from my step grandmother about it, she said they told her I was angry and needed therapy, that they provided a stable and loving childhood and I ended up being rebellious and the "black sheep" of the family, etc........

 

[EveryLady]

Finance Dude,

Thanks so much for your posting.

My observation is that while we can survive and even thrive after certain early life experiences the memories remain and tend at times to come to the forefront, particularly during holidays. The absence of family members - due either to death, estrangement, or emotional distance - doesn't always mitigate the hurt. I see friends whose parents have been dead for many years struggling more, not less with certain memories. I suppose the key is whether the "struggle" becomes just that or can become acknowledgement, acceptance, and as necessary, healthy avoidance of certain situations.

Instead of simple suppression, you seem to have done just that - acknowledged and accepted and moved on. That you have the strength to just not try to (imperfectly) forget or deny is impressive.

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

Of course I would talk to him. I found out he said something curious awhile back. My step-grandmother asked him why I and my family was not invited to visit for the holidays, and he told her: "I don't know WHY he doesn't feel welcome"......... However, you tell me. My grandmother died (my stepmom's mom), my brother called to tell me that. She was my only real connection to my family, she met the kids and DW several times, and my sister and I both kept in touch with her. However, he asked me NOT to attend her funeral, as he thought it would be look awkward and stressful on my parents. I protested vehemently, but he asked me 'as a favor" to him..... Half of me wanted to come anyway, but I decided not to. I regret that at times.........

Not attending your grandmother's funeral was probably the right decision. There wasn't anyone you cared to see (other than her), and being around your "family" would have ruined your mood and your last memory of her.

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

I sent my parents a handwritten 6 page later 13 years ago, telling them my true feelings. I am sure a lot of it was emotional and hurtful, but I wanted them to know how I felt. I heard some feedback from my step grandmother about it, she said they told her I was angry and needed therapy, that they provided a stable and loving childhood and I ended up being rebellious and the "black sheep" of the family, etc........

People generally don't want to hear how you honestly feel about them. It undermines their sense of self-worth and their opinion of you. They are forced to confront an image that can't possibly be true (in their minds).

Far easier to shoot the messenger than to hear the message.

 

[Nova]

I sent my parents a handwritten 6 page later 13 years ago, telling them my true feelings. I am sure a lot of it was emotional and hurtful, but I wanted them to know how I felt. I heard some feedback from my step grandmother about it, she said they told her I was angry and needed therapy, that they provided a stable and loving childhood and I ended up being rebellious and the "black sheep" of the family, etc........

Ahh, but that letter was to let them know why you felt the way you did toward them. What I suggested is purely for your benefit. Forgiving them for what they did and didn't do...is for you, not them. Without all of that hurt in your heart, you may find yourself thinking of them with pitty for being so emotionally...retarded, constrained, you fill in the blank...instead of resenting how emotionally battering they are to you.

The letter I suggested you write to your dad...sorry I was such a difficult child, wishing you health and happiness...again is for you. He'll probably ignore it or stepmom will not give it to him. But when your dad dies, you won't be questioning whether things might have been better if you had tried reaching out in kindness. BTW, I'm not suggesting you are nieve enough to believe your dad might be moved by such a letter. Again, this is purely for you.

Thank you for sharing your story. Some will realize they have it a lot better than they thought, others will know they are not the only ones terrible parents.

 

[meekie]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have a lot of sad things about your family, but I am so glad that you had such a wonderful sister, and a good relationship with her. She sounded like an amazing person, and she was lucky to have you.

 

[Brat]

While your step brother may have been the 'golden one' he will have to put up with your step mother for so long as they both live. He was cursed at birth.

IMHO it is your father who is responsible for the treatment you and your sister suffered. In many ways you were blessed with the strength to leave a toxic situation, you have done what your mother would have wanted you to do.