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No house, no job, no wife
Old 05-18-2009, 06:42 PM   #1
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No house, no job, no wife

There is currently a very interesting thread by jambo101 concerning an inheritance which his wife has received and the resultant problems in their marriage. Some of the posts concern divorce. I do not want to hijack jambo,s thread, but I am very interested in you guys' opinions on this subject, so I thought I would start another thread.

Here is the deal: My wife and I have merely been going through the motions as far as marriage is concerned for some time now. We recently filed for divorce. I am not soliciting sympathy nor looking for ways to save the marriage; it is a done deal. There was a minimum of tears from her at first, but she soon seemed to relish the idea of living life her way without the friction of our constant differences of opinion and she is now, for the most part, looking forward to her new life. We decided on a property settlement in which she will retain our mortgage-free house.

I have been ESRed for years and FIREd several months ago.

Here is the question: I have recently or will soon be free from work, the responsibilities of home ownership (maintenance, taxes, etc.) and a marriage which did not work--- TRIPLE FREEDOM, as it were. I feel great! I do believe I will buy an RV and do a lot of domestic and foreign travel. Am I insensitive in not mourning this marriage which should have been put out of it's misery years ago? Will I end up a lonely old curmudgeon? How long will it take for this joy to subside?

If you can see my point of view, please let me know. If you think I am an egocentric fool, I would love to hear that too.
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Old 05-18-2009, 06:52 PM   #2
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Well, congratulations...I guess. I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling great.

I do suggest renting a RV first....you are experiencing a lot of changes right now. Don't go too crazy. Let the dust settle a bit....
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Old 05-18-2009, 07:18 PM   #3
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Clearly you were not happy in this marriage, so what's to mourn? Don't poison your existence with unnecessary contrition and guilt. Go ahead, live your life and enjoy your new found freedom! But as bbbamI said, let the dust settle a bit before making life changing decisions. You want to be sure you are making changes for the right reasons... For example, are you buying the RV because it's a life long dream you can finally fulfill or to get away from the ex-wife...
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Old 05-18-2009, 07:20 PM   #4
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Am I insensitive in not mourning this marriage which should have been put out of it's misery years ago?
Well, it seems a little cold, but I haven't been in your shoes, so who is to say. The thing is my MIL always said that after a spouse died (or after divorce), the recommendation is to make no big changes for one year. That gives you time to be sure about your next move. However, if you've been "mentally divorced" for a long time, maybe your mourning is long over, and you're ready to jump in to your new life. Again, who's to say - best of luck.
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Old 05-18-2009, 07:31 PM   #5
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I'd travel lighter than an RV for a while first. There is nothing wrong with knowing you made the right decision and not regretting it. I never understood those people who did a lot of teeth-grinding about a big decision. Just do it if you are sure it is what you want, and don't look back.

I love our old RV, and we do get a lot of pleasure out of it, but I wouldn't want to tie up a bunch of capital in something that you may not like, after all. Perhaps do some international travel first--then when you are ready for some "normalcy", come back to the states and travel in an RV.
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Old 05-18-2009, 07:31 PM   #6
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As noted, you will go through a lot of different emotions. Just be aware that some of them may not be rational and put yourself in a defensive position- i.e. hang on to your wallet, especially where the ladies are concerned.

I know for me, being a single guy and financially independent was a lot different than being a single guy and just one more schmuck on a college campus.

But enjoy the new freedom and check off a few boxes on your bucket list.
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Old 05-18-2009, 07:35 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by noworkethic View Post
There is currently a very interesting thread by jambo101 concerning an inheritance which his wife has received and the resultant problems in their marriage. Some of the posts concern divorce. I do not want to hijack jambo,s thread, but I am very interested in you guys' opinions on this subject, so I thought I would start another thread.

Here is the deal: My wife and I have merely been going through the motions as far as marriage is concerned for some time now. We recently filed for divorce. I am not soliciting sympathy nor looking for ways to save the marriage; it is a done deal. There was a minimum of tears from her at first, but she soon seemed to relish the idea of living life her way without the friction of our constant differences of opinion and she is now, for the most part, looking forward to her new life. We decided on a property settlement in which she will retain our mortgage-free house.

I have been ESRed for years and FIREd several months ago.

Here is the question: I have recently or will soon be free from work, the responsibilities of home ownership (maintenance, taxes, etc.) and a marriage which did not work--- TRIPLE FREEDOM, as it were. I feel great! I do believe I will buy an RV and do a lot of domestic and foreign travel. Am I insensitive in not mourning this marriage which should have been put out of it's misery years ago? Will I end up a lonely old curmudgeon? How long will it take for this joy to subside?

If you can see my point of view, please let me know. If you think I am an egocentric fool, I would love to hear that too.
Not really. (As long as no one was screwed over in the dissolution.)

I do think you should spend a year or so readjusting before making major lifestyle changes.

Live long and prosper.
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Old 05-18-2009, 07:35 PM   #8
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Here is the question: I have recently or will soon be free from work, the responsibilities of home ownership (maintenance, taxes, etc.) and a marriage which did not work--- TRIPLE FREEDOM, as it were. I feel great! I do believe I will buy an RV and do a lot of domestic and foreign travel. Am I insensitive in not mourning this marriage which should have been put out of it's misery years ago? Will I end up a lonely old curmudgeon? How long will it take for this joy to subside?
Heck no, I don't think it is insensitive. Divorce is awful and finally getting through it, and heading out to meet the adventure of your future life is a big relief and pretty exciting and downright exhilarating, too.

Only one thing - - watch out for the possibility of your own emotions doing a 180 on you. There are a lot of feelings to sort through in any divorce. Once you really are alone, it may (or may not) feel a little strange and you may (or may not) feel depressed or angry or nostalgic.

To keep these possible negative feelings at a reasonable level, it is important to take things SLOWLY. Usually people need time to absorb and accept the changes inherent in divorce.

As a divorcee, I would recommend that a newly divorced man or woman should not seek another partner right away, even though you may feel you need to - - at least, in my case it really helped to take a couple of years to get to know myself, by myself, first. And no, you will not end up a lonely curmudgeon. There are plenty of potential partners out there to connect with later on when you are ready for that. This is a good time to discover you, and what you want in life.

As for when the joy will subside? Mine never has. Life has only gotten better. (Which is not to say it wasn't a good marriage to a good man, but just that it was over.) My fears and uncertainty subsided, though, as my self confidence increased.
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Old 05-18-2009, 11:22 PM   #9
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I partially agree with some previous posters, and in some ways I don't. I agree that you should be carefull with your emotions for a while. As W2R said, they can turn topsy turvey on you.

Will you end up a curmudgeon? Well, maybe. But maybe that is what will make you the most happy. So what's wrong with that?

Are you insensitive for not mourning the loss? Well, only you can answer that...are you?

Should you buy an RV and travel around the states (and internationally)? Well, that's what I'd do...but that's only because that's what I have wanted to do for a long time anyway.

I reflect on this type of situation every once in a while, as I see friends divorce and go their separate ways, some of them retired, some not. Frankly speaking, I can't see how I would personally enjoy retirement without my DW. That is not to say that you won't or anyone else wouldn't. Its just that we have planned and talked about it so much together, and because she is just so much a part of my life, an integral part of what gives me joy, that I have a hard time envisioning what it would be like, let alone enjoy it. Its just that for so long, I have thought of this stage of life as one to be shared, not lived in loneliness. But that's me, and I know there are others whose life experiences have shaped their opinions otherwise. So, please don't take this as a statement of judgement. If you have never found joy in your marriage, or if it has not been a source of joy for you (or her) for a long time, then you've probably done the right thing, in which case there need be no apology (since it seems to have been amicable) or mourning.

FWIW

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Old 05-19-2009, 03:52 AM   #10
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Here is the deal: My wife and I have merely been going through the motions as far as marriage is concerned for some time now.

.
Its probably where i'm at also but i'm going to see if i cant reignite the union.If it doesnt work your idea of a fulltime Rv'er sounds like fun, but be forewarned it can be very expensive, start doing some homework on the forums at RV
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Old 05-19-2009, 03:59 AM   #11
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noworkethic - I second W2Rs advice of no entanglements for awhile. Now is the time to relearn who you are or to re-validate what you think you are. When you are genuinely you, then you will attract people who are more suited to you and hence most probably will be a better partner.

So, if you are an old curmudgeon, you will attract someone who likes old curmudgeons :-)

However, time alone isn't bad unless you are being personally self-destructive.

Good luck in your transition and upcoming new life!
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Old 05-19-2009, 07:00 AM   #12
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No Pool, No Phone, No Pets---Just couldn't resist. Best of luck in your new adventure!
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Old 05-19-2009, 08:45 AM   #13
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Well, congratulations...I guess. I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling great.

I do suggest renting a RV first....you are experiencing a lot of changes right now. Don't go too crazy. Let the dust settle a bit....
Good advice, and remember, she has a machine gun...
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Old 05-19-2009, 09:01 AM   #14
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Congratulations!
I don't think it is insensitive at all...why would you stay in a marriage that is over? It's time to find yourself, enjoy your freedom, travel, and figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life! This is exciting stuff!
One tip.....stay away from the gold diggers!
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Old 05-19-2009, 09:45 AM   #15
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Is there something you really have wanted to do for a long time? I retired in March 08. DW & I went on a 7 week 8.5K mile road trip to arctic Canada & Alaska that I had dreamed of for literally 40 years. If I were by myself I still would have gone. Work time was the previous constraint.
Agree about renting an RV. Have had several, DW & I are of tomorrow for several days camping in our small travel trailer. But you can start cheap. For a road trip you can just get a tent and camp some days and get a hotel room now and then and get to see some wonderful places.
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Old 05-19-2009, 10:48 AM   #16
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Thank you all for the sincere advice. As usual, there are many sound answers and a few gems of wisdom. I know of no other internet forum where one can get advice remotely as good as that here. It almost feels as though I am talking to friends, and what you have to say may actually be more reliable.

I am very interested in living a life of voluntary simplicity, at least for now. Nords has his fog of work; I have a fog of possessions and commitments. The RV idea sort of stems from that. I started to consider my options: Buy a house? Pretty much a non-starter. (did consider an "under-priced" foreclosure around Phoenix) Condo? Simpler, but still too many complications. Rent? Among other things I don't want to buy furniture right now and I don't think I would be comfortable in a furnished place. Hotels? Either too expensive or too tacky. Backpacking and hostels? Maybe I'm a little old. For now at least, I think an RV would be a pretty good fit, and in some ways quite simple. If I want to spend time in Latin America taking immersion Spanish, it would be less of a problem than owning real estate. Might not buying a small used one to start be cheaper than renting?
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Old 05-19-2009, 10:53 AM   #17
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Might not buying a small used one to start be cheaper than renting?
Absolutely. There are some screaming bargains to be found in the used RV market right now if you are patient and comfortable making low-ball offers.
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Old 05-19-2009, 11:11 AM   #18
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Wow - the challenge and joy of starting a new life. It's like having fresh wet clay in your hands and deciding on whether you want to make a vase or a bowl. Or a statue. Hold the pigeons, please.
I am a veteran of starting over and recreating a new life, but for entirely different reasons.
This can be daunting, but it can be fun once you set your mind to your goals.
Just keep your hands firmly on the wheel.

It's like getting out of high school again. What do I want to be when I grow up (if ever) ?

My best advice is to go slow, make a wish list, and stay away from big money commitments.
Roof over the head logistics - A cheaper version of an RV may be one of those neat little popup campers. Easy to find a vehicle to pull it, easy to set up and disassemble, easy on the gas tank. Also easy to leave at a campground and drive your vehicle solo to those little tucked away places. Big RVs can only go in certain places in towns and only in low traffic areas with wide roads and corners. Easy to sell if the open road gets stale.

Almost forget - other drivers will curse at you less than the big RVs.

I will echo the golddigger advice. Go easy, go slow. There's a lot of "cases" out there just waiting for a fresh kill.
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Old 05-19-2009, 11:13 AM   #19
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I would absolutely consider an older RV in good condition. Great deals to be had. And try to stay under 30 feet, it will be a lot easier to maneuver and you will pay a lot less.

People just don't use these things like they think they will, so even really old ones can have very low miles. My 1976 Argosy Airstream MH only had 80,000 miles on it when we bought it. Practically brand-new, I tell ya!
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Old 05-19-2009, 11:14 AM   #20
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No Pool, No Phone, No Pets---Just couldn't resist. Best of luck in your new adventure!
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