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Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 07:57 AM   #1
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Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

His and Her Oil Change Instructions

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.



Money spent

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

========= =================================================



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.

Cuss.

12) Crawl out from! under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.



Money spent:



Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total - - $4,165.00



But you know the job was done right!
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 09:22 AM   #2
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Not a bad couple of days.

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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 09:26 AM   #3
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Don't forget to add in when Jiffy Lube overtightens the drain plug and strips your oil pan! That's one of the "advantages" of modern cars...they make the expensive part (the pan) weaker than the cheaper part (the drain plug), so that it's the expensive part that usually breaks!

Or better yet, when they forget to tighten the drain plug all the way and the oil leaks out. That happened years ago, to my '85 Silverado, back when my grandmother had it. Granddad had passed away a couple years before, and the truck mainly just sat around. I'd drive it once in awhile, and so would my uncle. He took it to Jiffy Boob one day to get the oil changed, came home, and parked it on the grass. About a week later, I decided to drive it. The idiots lights came on like they always do, to let you know that they work, but the oil light didn't go out. And the oil pressure gauge never registered. So I shut it off and checked the dipstick. Nothing. Looked underneath and there was a greasy spot on the grass where the oil had leaked out. Luckily, I only ran it a few seconds so it didn't do any damage.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 09:29 AM   #4
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre1969
Don't forget to add in when Jiffy Lube overtightens the drain plug and strips your oil pan!* That's one of the "advantages" of modern cars...they make the expensive part (the pan) weaker than the cheaper part (the drain plug), so that it's the expensive part that usually breaks!

Or better yet, when they forget to tighten the drain plug all the way and the oil leaks out.* That happened years ago, to my '85 Silverado, back when my grandmother had it.* Granddad had passed away a couple years before, and the truck mainly just sat around.* I'd drive it once in awhile, and so would my uncle.* He took it to Jiffy Boob one day to get the oil changed, came home, and parked it on the grass.* About a week later, I decided to drive it.* The idiots lights came on like they always do, to let you know that they work, but the oil light didn't go out.* And the oil pressure gauge never registered.* So I shut it off and checked the dipstick.* Nothing.* Looked underneath and there was a greasy spot on the grass where the oil had leaked out.* Luckily, I only ran it a few seconds so it didn't do any damage.
Simple solution: have a competent mechanic do the work.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 09:33 AM   #5
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Well, I'll have to agree. Get on some of the car forums and read about all of the horror stories and problems with places like Jiffy Lube. They get busy and the 17 year old kid forgets to put the oil filter back in or whatever.

You don't get your hands dirty at Jiffylube but you don't save any time there. By the time you drive over there, wait in line, and drive back I'd have the oil changed.

Where I live the price of a Jiffylube oil change is about double the amount quoted in the original post.

However to be fair, now that I'm getting a wee bit older (better) I am thinking about letting someone else do the oil change thing.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 09:43 AM   #6
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Last time around, I got kind of lucky with changing the oil. I had to send my pickup truck in to get new tires and some other work, and while it was there I just had them change the oil, rotate the tires, and lube the chassis. Actually, I DON'T mind changing the oil, but on older cars that require it, I hate lubing the chassis with a passion! And I never did like rotating the tires, either.

Anyway, when I got my pickup back I dropped off my Intrepid and had them change the oil, rotate the tires, and just give it a general checkout. And then when it was ready, I just drove out in my '76 LeMans, dropped it off, and had them do the oil/chassis lube/tire rotation, and a few other minor things.

So if nothing else, dropping off the cars like that, one after the other, saved on having someone drive out with me to give me a ride back every single time.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 09:59 AM   #7
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Hmmm

How about never changing the oil. I knew a guy who put 50-100k/yr on his vehicles in his small business - claimed oil changes were not necessary.

Full synthetic - change the FILTER at regular intervals.

Never had the nerve to try it myself. Pre Katrina he had a Mercades(circa 1970's) and a 2002 Camry.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 10:09 AM   #8
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

ick. Took one of my cars to jiffy lube for a few years when they gave discounts to employees of my company. After a few years the steering got a little stiff. Dealer said that none of the zerks had seen a grease gun in a long time. When I called JL, they said "Wow, our computer says there arent any grease points!" When apprised of the existence of three of them, all plainly visible "Sorry about that dude, want a free oil change to make up for it?" NO!

I do my own now, except I DO take the oil and filters back to the recycle station. Takes about 30 minutes to do both cars. Costs a little over ten bucks for both.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 10:27 AM   #9
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

I've known a few people who never changed their oil. A friend of mine in high school and college, his Dad had a 1972 Dodge Dart sedan with a 225 slant six. Bought new. NEVER changed the oil. Just added when it got low. Around late 1989 it stopped running, with around 100,000 miles on it. Mainly just because they didn't drive it enough. IIRC the battery died.

Well, I had recently bought a 1969 Dodge Dart GT, and they offered to give me this '72 to use as a parts car. Either that or let the county tow it away (they were threatening to, because it was parked on the street and the tags were dead). I was able to get it started, and it seemed to run okay, but then a rotted fuel hose broke and it started spraying gas, and my friend started to panic. His parents said they wouldn't give me a car that was so "unsafe" (a couple bucks worth of fuel hose would've fixed that problem : ) and refused to let me have it, so the county got it.

My ex-wife had an Oldsmobile Calais with the Quad 4. I forget the year, but she claimed that it went 80,000 miles without oil changes. She only had it about 2 years, and was always running around and lending it out to friends, and then it got re-popped. This was before I met her and I didn't find out this little story until after we were married.

I've also known three people who tried the no oil changes with Toyotas, with less successful results. One was a late 80's Tercel that was totally sludged up by around 60,000 miles. The other was an early 90's Tercel, owned by our former LAN administrator at work. Its engine was fried around the 60,000 mile mark. Now you'd think that someone dealing with computers and such would understand that equipment needs to be maintained. But then, come to think about it, now that he's gone, our network doesn't crash as often as it used to :P

The third was a '94 or so Corolla owned by an assistant manager at Little Caesar's, during my pizza delivery days. He fried it around the 30,000 mile mark. His girlfriend, who also worked there, had a Neon that she ended up totalling around the same time.

I also have a buddy who used to own a 1978 or 79 Granada with the 250-straight six years ago. It was his first car, and pretty beat-up. He bought a newer car and knew the Granada wasn't going to be worth crap, so he decided to have a little fun abusing it. He claims that he drained all the oil out and ran it totally dry for about a month, trying to kill it. But he couldn't.

I have a hard time believing that, though. Now he did say that he had put Slick-50 or something like that in it once, but I dunno if that made a difference. However, on the plus side, I think that 250 was the same engine family as the big 300 inline 6 that Ford used in their trucks for ages. It's supposed to be a tough, rugged engine. And the 250 in the Granada only had like 92 horsepower, so maybe it didn't have the strength to hurt itself? I still take that story with a grain of salt, though.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 12:30 PM   #10
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Jeep Dealer gives me lifetime $20 oil changes for buying my Jeep from them. No brainer. The gimmick is they always have some extra maintenance that they suggest. Just say no!
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 01:04 PM   #11
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre1969
I've known a few people who never changed their oil.
I know that an oil filter can remove particles, but how does it handle the acids & water that get into the system? It would seem that having the same oil charge for years would just allow it to get filled with all kinds of chemicals that negate its lubrication effectiveness.

The bane of a Navy mechanic's existence is oil maintenance. Every day there's samples to be taken, examined, & logged. Every day a lube oil sump is run through a purifier to centrifugally separate whatever water & sludge can be removed. Every midwatch the filters & strainers have to be cleaned. (Many many scary sea stories start with "Well, we were cleaning strainers on the midwatch and then...") Inevitably something starts leaking or a valve is left in the wrong position and life gets really exciting. The only smell that scares me more than smoke is hot lube oil.

I wouldn't let Jiffy Lube or their brethren touch my cars. And if there's one advantage to changing your oil without a frosty beverage or two, it's taking a long look at the car's underside & engine compartment a few times a year to make sure everything still looks OK. I think that's more valuable than the oil change!
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 01:16 PM   #12
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords
The only smell that scares me more than smoke is hot lube oil.*
Me too. Strangely enough, I have never been aboard a submarine.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 02:03 PM   #13
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute



I'm reminded of the scene from "Dumb and Dumber" where Jim Carrey reads on the bathroom stall, "Meet here at 2:00 am for manly love!" and looks at his watch and realizes it's 1:59.....
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 02:33 PM   #14
 
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

I'm retired. I don't do oil changes either.

I'm on the $12 plan at Tires Plus
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 06:03 PM   #15
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords
I know that an oil filter can remove particles, but how does it handle the acids & water that get into the system? It would seem that having the same oil charge for years would just allow it to get filled with all kinds of chemicals that negate its lubrication effectiveness.
That would be 100% correct. The stories of people who go six figures on the odometer are probably...umm...a case of the 'whisper game'. Either that or someone was sneaking the vehicle out to get oil changes and not telling the owner.

After about 20-25,000 miles of driving, the oil would have been broken down to the point where it was greasy sludge. The car might run a while longer, but the power would be negligible and the gas mileage awful, and the engine would overheat within minutes. An older vehicle might have tolerated this a while due to poor tolerances between parts. Modern engines are made to far tighter tolerances.

In any case, not changing the oil in a car would be the worst savings of a hundred bucks anyone could ever make.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 06:16 PM   #16
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Hmmm, my buddy runs synthetic oil in his Jeep 4x4, puts it through some brutal action out in the high desert on a regular basis. He changes the filter, and adds a quart, but never pulls the drain plug. Swears he's been doing this since he bought the vehicle ten years ago.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 06:28 PM   #17
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurence
Hmmm, my buddy runs synthetic oil in his Jeep 4x4, puts it through some brutal action out in the high desert on a regular basis.* He changes the filter, and adds a quart, but never pulls the drain plug. Swears he's been doing this since he bought the vehicle ten years ago.
Well, at least for him dilution seems to be the solution.* Maybe frequent oil changes additions prevent the problem from becoming critical.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 06:33 PM   #18
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

And synthetic (allegedly) doesn't break down as fast, and maybe he only gets 10k miles a year on his rig when he's boulder crawling and driving to and from the desert. Who knows, $20 bucks every three months seems like a small cost for peace of mind.
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 07:01 PM   #19
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

A recent disaster:* J*ffy L*** changed the oil in my pickup just before I left on a 1000 mile trip...no problem except when the time came to return. I was doing 75 on the interstate when the **** hit the fan.* Actually it was oil hitting the fan and the belts, leading to a remarkable series of squeals and vibrations along with every available
idiot light flashing panic.* To make a Very long story short, they had installed the wrong filter, which un-screwed and quickly blew out all the oil. This destroyed the upper half of my engine, which took over a month to get repaired at a cost of $5000.

To be fair, JL paid for all repairs and associated costs (though not my lost time and mental anguish).*

I learned my lesson*
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute
Old 03-30-2006, 07:12 PM   #20
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Re: Oil Change (A Little Long) Wife Sent to me, she thought it was cute

Yet one More Jiffy Lube story.

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