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Re: OK, going way out on a limb here...
Old 01-18-2007, 09:43 AM   #41
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Re: OK, going way out on a limb here...

Originally Posted by SteveR
I am a bit late to this thread and don't have much additional to offer other than a couple of things learned the hard way.

I have been married; divorced after 15 years; single parent for 3 years; remarried for almost 10 years; widowed and eventually remarried with a bunch of dating while single.

1. Re-read CFB's comments.

2. Remember why you got divorced?

3. Why would you think anything would be different now?

4. What is fair to the kids is a life without parents fighting or ignoring each other. I tried to hold a lousy marriage together "for the kids" and it was far worse on them.

Re-marriage to the same person without a true change in both parties is destined to fail. See #2 and #3 above.

My wife was married to the same guy twice. The second time lasted less than half the time as the they did before the first divorce. She married on the rebound and picked the wrong guy and for the wrong reasons. This lead to her last divorce.

In all your discussion on this thread I don't see where you say she loves you or where you state that you love her. Maybe I missed it but that would be a critical ingedient in a relationship for me.

I see a man who is bitter and wants to get back at a woman how rejected him and continues to do so. Your reaction to this is aggression...get even...take revenge..etc. This is not healthy and you will not be able to "move on" with you life until you resolve these feelings. It takes time...and hard work to do so...been there done that and have the T shirt to prove it....more than once.

I suggest you find a good councilor and get this out of your system. Not getting over a loss (divorce or death) creates roadblocks to being able to truly move on with your life.

I wish you peace and happiness. Let her go and go help yourself.
I got divorced because my wife divorced me. But you're right, I shouldn't expect anything to change unless she and I both change.

I did love her, and she said she loved me from time to time throughout our marriage. Now I'm not sure if she ever meant it.

Regarding your paragraph about bitterness/revenge/etc., I'm not sure what I have ever written here to imply any of that. I will agree that I am very angry and sad and somewhat regretful with respect to my part in the failure of my marriage. Those feelings could lead to bitterness and revenge but they don't necessarily. If you can point out what I wrote that led you to write what you did I'd appreciate it.


"At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough, and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact be the first steps of a journey." Violet Baudelaire.
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Re: OK, going way out on a limb here...
Old 01-18-2007, 10:42 AM   #42
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Re: OK, going way out on a limb here...

I'll try this two ways: blunt and personal experience.

Blunt: Forget about ever getting back together with your ex. It's self-destructive and hopeless and possibly even pathetic.

Personal experience: I find that when I have one woman in mind I am useless to other women. It's not a question of "if" and "how", but it's a question of where my head is. I've found I can't really pursue a woman effectively unless I've mentally let the others go. It hurt to mentally cut the thread of hope, but it let me move on to other things. I find myself pathetic when I'm hanging on to an unlikely hope like that.

In reality there's nothing to prevent me getting back together with the women I clung to more than I should have. But if part of me is hanging on to hope that something could rekindle then I am stalled in my attempts to work on relationships with other women.

Similarly, I have a lot of trouble being friends with a woman I'm attracted to. Even though we didn't have a romantic relationship I find myself being a friend and hoping for more. That is also limits me. I've had to cut a couple of female friendships loose to get on with my dating life. I don't think everyone is like this, but I know I am. And I think a lot of guys are who haven't yet admitted it to themselves.

Back to you, what it boils down to is that if you're asking this question I think that makes it evident that you are too busy thinking about how to get back together with your ex. I don't disagree with what Caroline is saying, but I disagree that it's a line of thought you should even be pursuing. It's hindering, not constructive. It's a theoretical exercise, not a plan of action to reach a goal, and if you're anything like me then you're lapping it up as a plan of action which is ultimately counterproductive.

You shouldn't plan your life or dating life around how it will improve your ex's opinion of you. It's not of question of whether reconciliation is possible; it's a question of your head being stuck in the wrong place to move on.

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Re: OK, going way out on a limb here...
Old 01-18-2007, 02:14 PM   #43
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Re: OK, going way out on a limb here...

I agree with the majority that if she called it quits, it is very unlikely she would change her mind - most women have to be pretty far out fed up to go there, especially when there are kids.

However - whatever the case is - you need to work on your relationship with her because you two are still the parents of the kids.

Funniest thing about divorce w/ kids is that you still are stuck together in terms of parenting - and you STILL have to resolve the issues you had that likely led to divorce - so you can be good parents together. If not, your kids will continue to suffer.

Sooo - a good saying a friend once shared was - "sometimes the only thing you CAN change is how you think about something" - so consider working on yourself and your issues w/ your Ex for the sake of your kids - Not to rekindle or remarry , but because you want to be good parents.

Seems like you could use some support and perhaps some good books to help you deal with your feelings about divorce and moving on - give yourself time and then commit to being a good parent and forget about the relationship in terms of you and her. there is a good one called "anger" by thich naht hanh - a buddhist monk - but his books embrace all spiritualities and aren't about buddhism per se- just about how to deal with these emotions - it is used by a lot of therapists out there and will give you a new perspective. Good luck to you - sounds like tough times.


If i think of something clever to say, i'll put it here...
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