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Old 08-27-2011, 10:43 AM   #61
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But in this case I feel the Mom is getting the shorter end on the advice offered. Her feelings are relevant and demand respect IMO.
I agree...
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Old 08-27-2011, 10:50 AM   #62
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If there's any good antidote for a lifetime of prejudice, I'm guessing it's the prospect of having a granddaughter.
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Old 08-27-2011, 11:30 AM   #63
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What would Christ have done?

Accepted DD, of course.

Sometimes RCs forget that.
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Old 08-27-2011, 02:35 PM   #64
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I don't know anyone who just shrugged their shoulders and thought, I'm an adult I don't need my parents love or approval.
I never had to go through the trauma of having my parents disapprove of something so essential to the core of my being as my gender identity. But I can tell you that the last time I cared what my parents thought, about anything, was 40 years ago, when I was 12. As a practical matter, I was compelled to obey them until I left home at 18 -- three weeks following my high school graduation. But I made the decision when I was 12 that I did not want or need their love or approval, and I was emotionally free from that point on to live life on my own terms.
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Old 08-27-2011, 02:35 PM   #65
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Originally Posted by MuirWannabe;
But in this case I feel the Mom is getting the shorter end on the advice offered. Her feelings are relevant and demand respect IMO.
For the OP, in the absence of any other counseling or support, it might be worthwhile to check out PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). While I don't have any personal experience with the organization, I've heard from acquaintances that it was helpful to them in coming to terms with a gay family member. Your DW might find some people there who can relate to what she's going through. Here's a link: PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Edit: I missed tangomonster's earlier PFLAG reference, so please consider this a +1.
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Old 08-29-2011, 02:29 AM   #66
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I guess I don't follow RC doctrine closely enough to know whether it requires the mother of a gay child to shun that child? From a theological standpoint, could not the mother (Cato's DW) maintain her disdain for the daughter's lifestyle, yet accept her daughter, flaws and all, as a human being? I don't pay attention to the Jesus stuff much, but I seem to recall that he was pretty big on forgiveness and accepting and loving others. Would the priests at her church tell her to shun her daughter in this case? I would suggest that there is plenty of biblical arguments that would allow your DW to accept her daughter for who she is, but that may be more apt for protestants and not so much for RC's?
That is what Christ does. He loves us despite our sinfulness. I don't know the details of RC teaching, but imitating Christ is what all of us Christians are supposed to do, regardless of denomination. I suggest emphasizing to Mrs Cato the points within Christian teaching that would open a way to reconciliation between her and her daughter. And by "within Christian teaching" I mean the traditional teachings of the RC church. Since Mrs Cato is a committed Roman Catholic, I think it's very possible that she'll find the arguments advanced by liberal theologians completely unconvincing. Introducing them may start a disagreement between Cato and Mrs Cato, without at all helping the situation between Mrs Cato and DD.
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Old 08-29-2011, 08:59 AM   #67
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I apologize for not posting earlier. Time had to pass to allow DW time to mull over everything and although I made it clear that I supported DD in her own time, I was not going to force the issue any further - DW has to make her own decisions and I owe her that, she has more than earned it through the years that we have supported one another. I understand how important her faith is to her and was never going to question it.

This morning she broached the subject, as cruel as it may seem to some, DD has refused to communicate with her in any form or shape until she accepts the fact that she is gay and everything that goes along with that, including the marriage. Before the weekend started DD was adamant that she had given her several years to accept and come to terms with the fact that she was gay and that she was now taking a stand "If she wants to be part of my life, she will have to accept the fact that I'm gay and she will have to accept my partner".

This morning DW capitulated in full and I offered to pass on the message, DW is above all else a practical person and she will do what is necessary to make it work and I sincerely hope that any remaining hard feelings will pass soon. What is inexplicable is that DW's sisters have known about DD being gay for several years and have embraced her, as a matter of fact DW's elder sister has a daughter who is gay.

Would I have gone to the wedding alone - yes, she is my daughter and I would not have missed it for the world - life is too short to miss out on the bits of happiness that come our way.
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Old 08-29-2011, 09:27 AM   #68
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I am happy for all of you.
Right now DW may feel that she capitulated. However, soon she will realize that she has taken the right decision.
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Old 08-29-2011, 09:37 AM   #69
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I am so happy that your DW came to this hard decision. Time is a precious commodity .
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Old 08-29-2011, 12:01 PM   #70
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I expect this will make everyone so happy.

Ha
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Old 08-29-2011, 02:06 PM   #71
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I'm so pleased that there has been some resolution for your family. I can't imagine it can be easy for any of the parties involved, but I hope you can come out of this a stronger and happier family.
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Old 08-29-2011, 02:27 PM   #72
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I am happy to hear things are improving for your family.
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Old 08-29-2011, 03:03 PM   #73
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Your DW and daughter are both lucky ladies to have you. Hope all runs smoothly from now on with your family.
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Old 08-29-2011, 03:25 PM   #74
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Cato, glad to hear things are looking up for your family situation. One of your comments rang a bell with me. You may remember that recently DW and I learned about our one grandson being gay. As you mentioned and we came to find out, seems like everyone knew about this but us. DD, SIL, other GS, DW's sister, DW'S sister's daughter, etc, etc. That's really got DW upset. Here's the matriarch of the family, the one that "knows all", being kept in the dark for over a year. Everybody knows but her. She is now pi**ed about that and not the grandson being gay so much.

Of course, everyone knew that being old school, we wouldn't understand. Well, they are right. We don't understand but have capitulated.

Cato, the best to you and your family.
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Old 08-29-2011, 03:49 PM   #75
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Good news indeed. Here's a nice song to celebrate - complete with cute pictures of moms and their babies

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Old 08-29-2011, 05:23 PM   #76
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Good news Cato. I hope your wife comes to fully accept your daughter and her partner. Grandkids may help. Best wishes.
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Old 08-29-2011, 05:59 PM   #77
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This is good news.

I would just add that my generation was told a lot of lies about gays, even implying widely that they were largely predatory and pedophiles. Hopefully, as your DW learns more about gays first hand and lets go of stereotypes, false information and bias, she will realize that her world has been made larger and new possibilities have unfolded.
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Old 08-29-2011, 07:40 PM   #78
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Glad to hear things are smoothing a bit. Good luck.
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Old 08-29-2011, 07:50 PM   #79
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I never had to go through the trauma of having my parents disapprove of something so essential to the core of my being as my gender identity. But I can tell you that the last time I cared what my parents thought, about anything, was 40 years ago, when I was 12. As a practical matter, I was compelled to obey them until I left home at 18 -- three weeks following my high school graduation. But I made the decision when I was 12 that I did not want or need their love or approval, and I was emotionally free from that point on to live life on my own terms.

Funny..... same thing happened to me when I was 12. I just gave up on ever being good enough for them and concentrated on being good enough for me. Strangely enough, once I quit caring how the world felt about me, I felt a tremendous sense of liberty.
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Old 08-29-2011, 09:29 PM   #80
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[SureWhitey post #80] (Moderator edit)

Sure gotta be fast around here to beat the moderators, but I guess your answer was much better than mine. Much more tactful, anyway...
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