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Old 04-17-2015, 03:49 PM   #21
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Is SIL allowed to use the joint checking account to cover some portion of her own expenses in her duties as caregiver? For example, buy herself a tank of gas from time to time.
Yes - all reasonable expenses - including, but not limited to gas.
But if she wrote herself a large check with no explanation, it would raise eyebrows. Fortunately, she and DH communicate almost daily about this stuff. He wishes he were local to them to help out more. She got stuck due to geography and we're working on a solution to this.

I've posted in other threads - we've been researching/touring/talking to multiple assisted living/memory care communities in the city she lives in, our city, and the city she'd like to be in (but won't get support from the kids who lie there.)
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Old 04-17-2015, 04:14 PM   #22
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Yeah, this topic id fraught... I have five siblings, three were 15, 17, and 18 years older than me and two were within about a year of me. My parents moved to Phoenix in the late 70s for the weather and to be near my oldest sister. Neither of them had dementia or long term, demanding disabilities but they did have "issues." My mother, in particular became a bit paranoid and demanding in her later years. I think the five of us who didn't live in AZ all were thankful that my oldest sister stepped up to the plate on helping them through their last years. We all visited but we all worked and our visits were not much more than parachuting in and saying hi. My sister did the bulk of the yeoman's work. She also was executor of their wills. My parents were "even Stephen" types and everyone got a fair share of the smallish remainder but I (and, I hope, the others) would not have begrudged a double or triple share to my sister.
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Old 04-17-2015, 04:45 PM   #23
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We all have our opinions and several posters have been critical of me.


What I can say is that if the situation was reversed, I would have shared the financial information willingly with my sister. I was only asking for information, what is wrong with that? If the money did indeed go to support my parents then I'm fine with that- I'd just like to know.


I tried my best to stay in contact with my sister while I was abroad. I would regularly send emails and call her on Skype. Most emails went unanswered, she maintains she never received them. I sent test emails to other people I knew and they all arrived. I later found out that she did not know how to check her junk/ spam box. When I asked her to do so, she informed me that she was fully qualified in using the computer.


What ever.


So to my critics, putting my life on hold for one year and doing all I could to help out was insignificant? I had a good life in Thailand but I relocated half way around the world to help out. I would have stayed longer but nothing I did was satisfactory and she was not hesitant to berate me in public.


I respect myself and I will not be verbally abused.


I returned three times, so my sister could take a vacation and do other things.


Dad was a handful, several times he ran away and I was the one to find him. He left the house and my sister had no idea he had gone. (I lived in my parents home next door)


Dad really needed to be in a supervised nursing home, but I knew my sister would not agree, so I never mentioned it.


All the decisions with respect to my parents were made exclusively by my sister. I was not argumentative and I kept my mouth shut even when I disagreed.


So, to my critics, go for it criticize me all you want.


What goes around comes around and your karma will catch you eventually.
Is this the one area where you and your sister have had issues? It sounds like there is a lot of hurt and bad feelings between you two. It was a difficult situation for everybody and that apparently you all tried to do what you thought was best and didn't have many open discussions about it. My comments came from someone in your sister's shoes and I merely wanted to say there are 2 sides to every story. You haven't actually mentioned the amount of money involved, is it significant or could it actually have been used up for your parents care and a small stipend for your sister? It sounds like the level of care he needed would have been daunting for everyone. It's never easy to place a person with memory issues in a nursing home because the change itself seems to make matters worse. The first home my MIL was in closed suddenly and we made an emergency placement and then placed her in the 3rd home where she lived until she passed. After that first move she was never the same and completely withdrew from everything because of the stress.

Sorry for your loss and the bad feelings it caused between you and your only sibling.
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Old 04-17-2015, 04:59 PM   #24
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Several years after my FIL died, my MIL found out that her illness was terminal. Accepting that her family was really dysfunctional she sat with 3 of the 4 siblings at her lawyers office and redid her will with those present, and later informing the forth. When the day came to execute the estate there were no surprises. What forethought on her behalf.
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Old 04-17-2015, 07:17 PM   #25
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Her story is probably quite different (even your description of returning for almost a year to "help her" sort of shows that it was her task, not yours). Maybe the 90 percent of your parents' wealth had to be spent on them. You could thank her for nine years of day by day caring for your parents and let it go.

Really sorry about your father.
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Old 04-17-2015, 07:57 PM   #26
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++1
But wouldn't you want to get an accounting of the funds as Rodi's DH does? It seems that this would make everything so much more transparent and thus avoid misunderstandings / hurt feelings/ and ultimately severed family relationships.

-gauss

p.s. I see this going on as we speak in DW's family so I may be a bit close to this issue right now. DGMIL (grandmother-in-law?) died just recently.
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:02 PM   #27
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Lancelot -
I do not want to come across as picking on you. You obviously feel wronged and angry. It is a shame your sister did not provide the financial transparency and give you feedback about the issues/work/etc with your father.

I do not belittle the year you spent in caretaker role. That is significant.
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:15 PM   #28
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But wouldn't you want to get an accounting of the funds as Rodi's DH does? It seems that this would make everything so much more transparent and thus avoid misunderstandings / hurt feelings/ and ultimately severed family relationships.

-gauss

p.s. I see this going on as we speak in DW's family so I may be a bit close to this issue right now. DGMIL (grandmother-in-law?) died just recently.
Ideally, yes. But if the one doing the care taking also has to take time out to detail expenses - well, that might just not be top priority if most of their free time is already spoken for with the care giving. It weighs heavily, I hardly blame someone for not feeling like filling out 'expense reports' after a long day of care giving - you can be beat, and just need some down time, not spreadsheet time.

As youbet mentioned, the ones with the questions can come in and provide a break to the caregiver so they can work on the books. Suddenly, not such a big deal, huh?

-ERD50
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Old 04-17-2015, 09:17 PM   #29
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Thread closed at OP's request.
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