Persuade Future Son in Law to LBYM

[ImThinkin2019]

Well, thank you to all of you for your advice. I will back off and not give him any literature to read unless he asks. As a compromise, when they come visit us, I might leave a few money books plus other books on a shelf in their bedroom, and tell them they can take any of them if they want.

If you think that's a good idea, what books would you include? Or do you think I'm still creating a potentially offensive situation?

I will let my daughter influence him which she already is doing. They do work together and compromise very well so I think and hope that their different backgrounds will not destroy their relationship.

Again, thank you to everyone for your advice. It is very helpful to me and much appreciated.

[athena53]

People can change. When my sister and BIL started to have enough money to save, BIL told my sister to "hide" it in an account he couldn't get to so he wouldn't spend it. After my sister got through Med school (which they managed because he worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time), he started managing their money, with some help (which he requested) from my father and my brother.

I married a status-conscious spendthrift the first time and I can tell you that if my Dad had offered him advice it would have gone in one ear and out the other. I sort of managed by keeping my finances separate from him (no joint credit card accounts, savings from my earnings in my name only) but he was pretty much set in his ways. I chose far more wisely the second time around!

I hope your daughter and this guy (if he does turn out to be your SIL) can get on the same page. Sometimes spendthrifts get tired of living paycheck to paycheck and making huge payments on debt for meals they've eaten and things they've since thrown away. Let's hope he's open to doing things differently.

[Bestwifeever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImThinkin2019 Well, thank you to all of you for your advice. I will back off and not give him any literature to read unless he asks. As a compromise, when they come visit us, I might leave a few money books plus other books on a shelf in their bedroom, and tell them they can take any of them if they want. If you think that's a good idea, what books would you include? Or do you think I'm still creating a potentially offensive situation? I will let my daughter influence him which she already is doing. They do work together and compromise very well so I think and hope that their different backgrounds will not destroy their relationship. Again, thank you to everyone for your advice. It is very helpful to me and much appreciated.

Your daughter is very very lucky to have a caring father like you.

[Calico]

I long ago gave up trying to convert anyone to a LBYM mindset. Never had the slightest bit of luck, and this was with people who ASKED me for advice.

I agree with all previous posters who advised stepping back and keeping out of it. With luck, your daughter will be able to influence his habits, but there is no guarantee.

[retirementguy1]

I am assuming you are paying for part of the wedding. Any time someone wants my money I don't feel bad about attaching some strings before they get it. As part of your wedding gift make them attend pre-marriage counseling where they can talk through any money issues. A cheap way to do it would be a gift to Financial Peace University (Dave Ramsey). It's about $100, spouses are free and it's good for a lifetime. I know Dave Ramsey is a bit rudimentary for members of this forum but to a young couple with different spending habits it could be eye opening. (disclaimer: I've always been LBYM so I have never been.)

[ImThinkin2019]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bestwifeever Your daughter is very very lucky to have a caring father like you.

Bestwifeever, thank you for this kind comment. My daughter is now older and appreciates us more. She likes the fact that she's debt free while a lot of her friends are not. And she knows we were able to provide her with a car and an expensive college education at the university of her choosing.

When she was younger, and we would not let her have a TV in her room or a cell phone (until she was driving) she thought we were mean. And she thought I was really mean because I had very low tolerance for her emotional tantrums.

Hearing someone say I'm caring really makes me grateful. Thanks again for this!!!

[MichaelB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImThinkin2019 If you think that's a good idea, what books would you include? Or do you think I'm still creating a potentially offensive situation?

So far I've given only one book, and only to one offspring, "The Two Income Trap".

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImThinkin2019 I will let my daughter influence him which she already is doing. They do work together and compromise very well so I think and hope that their different backgrounds will not destroy their relationship.

That has been my approach with my children, and so far things have worked (as far as I know ). Give yourself some credit and your daughter the benefit of the doubt, she has a solid foundation and understands what needs to be done. Just let her know if she ever needs advice you'll be there.

[Dash man]

Have you asked if he knows much about finance and investing? If the response is positive, you can offer to go over a few things...don't overwhelm him. Then provide some books he can read for further information and follow up discussions. This approach has worked with my soon (3 1/2 weeks) to be daughter-in-law.

[ImThinkin2019]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dash man Have you asked if he knows much about finance and investing? If the response is positive, you can offer to go over a few things...don't overwhelm him. Then provide some books he can read for further information and follow up discussions. This approach has worked with my soon (3 1/2 weeks) to be daughter-in-law.

I have not asked him because we live about 1/2 of the country away, so I see him about twice a year. He's now in MBA school so he's getting lots of finance education but not LBYM education. So I'll just stay close to them and decide when to leave books and I'll follow up if the money topic comes up.

[Dash man]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImThinkin2019 I have not asked him because we live about 1/2 of the country away, so I see him about twice a year. He's now in MBA school so he's getting lots of finance education but not LBYM education. So I'll just stay close to them and decide when to leave books and I'll follow up if the money topic comes up.

It took me about three years after getting my MBA before the light bulb clicked on for my personal finance. One thing I've always regretted was not having anyone provide me guidance when I was young, but I guess it only works if one is receptive to it.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImThinkin2019 I would like to influence our future SIL to spend money more carefully. He is not used to budgeting and right now tends to buy whatever he wants. Like a fancy car, whatever he feels like eating, etc. I think he comes from a family that has these values as well. Probably live at their means, not live below their means. Our family tends to be more careful with money - we buy "not fancy" cars, we eat food that is on sale, etc. We don't scrimp too much - we still have a good life. But as a consequence of LBYM we will be able to retire early. And we paid cash for our kids college, whereas he had loans..... I would like to give him some reading to help adjust his values. The first book that comes to mind for him - a somewhat status oriented person - is "The Millionaire Next Door". My only concern about giving him this is the risk of offending him.... Do you have suggestions for other reading material that would help? Also any suggestions for how to turn a LAYM into a LBYM person? Thank you all!!

This is a capital idea! Not only will the young man love you for helping him to adjust his behavior, your daughter will really appreciate it too!

Ha

[sheehs1]

I gave the book "The Millionaire Next Door" to all the children just a couple of years ago as a small add-on Christmas present. At the time it included my brand new son-in-law and daughter as a couple. I didn't make many remarks except to say I read it and if you live below your means and save you stand a better chance at a better retirement. I have no idea if they read it.

[nash031]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImThinkin2019 Do you have suggestions for other reading material that would help? Also any suggestions for how to turn a LAYM into a LBYM person?

I am recently married (three years recent) and younger by board standards, so let me put myself in the situation of your SIL. (DW and I are both LBYM, always have been aligned there...)

If my FIL or MIL approached me about money habits or concerns when we were dating or engaged, I would have been put out by it, and it probably would've torpedoed my relationship with them early on. Recoverable, certainly, but it would've always been in the back of my mind, and even might have grated on the marriage. For example, if he wants a car, he might chide his wife with snark like, "well, maybe I should call your parents first..."

You don't want to create that kind of conflict, even unintentionally.

Instead, as others have mentioned, you have influenced his future wife via her upbringing. If you choose to address it in their relationship, I would address your concerns to her, and let her handle it as she sees fit.

The last thing I'd ever want or expect from my in-laws would be parenting, to include the unsolicited gifting of a self-help-type book.

[steelyman]

nash031's message is good. My reaction would be, "Back off."

The alternate plan (leaving books in the bedroom) is a thinly-veiled way of doing the same thing.

When I meet a new cat, I don't get near them till they come to me. Not that I'm scared of cats, it's just that I know it's better for them to do the approaching when they're comfortable. Don't be Sylvester.

[Elbata]

I would ask, is daughter a knock off the old block, or however that saying goes?

If so, why doesn't she give him the books to read? If not, looks like trouble in paradise.

Friend's daughter married a professional football player. Friend is very smart with money and frugality. Tried to share some wisdom with SIL to no avail. Spent every penny. Daughter got smart and bailed.

BTW, with everything said, yes, I'd give him a few books. Explain they're given in humility, and that's all you'll say about it unless he'd like to further the conversation.

[MBAustin]

Financial compatibility is one of the keys to a successful marriage. If DD is worried about this issue already, then I think offering "information" (not advice - good distinction by ERD50) to her (not him) is very appropriate.

I'd also second retirementguy's motion for Financial Peace University as a wedding gift. I have several friends who did this and all of the couples appreciated it.

[Walt34]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MBAustin I'd also second retirementguy's motion for Financial Peace University as a wedding gift. I have several friends who did this and all of the couples appreciated it.

And that's about as far as I'd take it. However, I am not optimistic about the outcome of this impending marriage since I was once married to a big spender. Note the past tense.

It can work if he is willing to change and grow up. But that's a big "if".

[jerome len]

Had the same problem with former DIL......her parents spent way over their means......and, they way overspent on DS and DIL wedding. I made a cash conribution to help on the wedding and told them they could save the cash for a down payment on a home.......well, she spent tripple my cash gift for the wedding, Neither DS
nor I could slow her down. So, I started trust in DS name instead of a cash Christmas gift and limited spending of trust with stipultation that DS kept it if they divorced. They did......she got some of other joint assets but none of the trust.......my point? if you can't change him, protect her and someday, the grandkids......Or......if it bothers your DD now, should you ask her if it will affect their marraige. Be a good coach giving advice welcomed by DD that opens her eyes to all her current options and fuure potential problems. Good luck.......hope everything works out for the best for DD and you.

[splitwdw]

OP should not get involved. Those of you that say "help" was appreciated from books given don't always see the end result. How many of you have done the "eye roll" or laughed later about well intentioned advice. I would never hurt my older relatives feelings by arguing or laughing at unsolicited advice. BUT when we get in the car or home we sometimes have a laugh, if we even recall the "advice". Your daughter should not be expressing her financial concerns to you but to her fiancé. These are suppose to be adults, respect their space.

One of the reasons given for divorce is financial incompatibility. Ask some of the members here.....they couldn't change their spouses.

Why would strings be attached to a gift?

This is well intentioned advice......but parents don't usually listen.

[LitGal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RetiredAndFree +1 to all comments above. SIL will or won't get to where you hope he will go based on his individual aptitude. Trying to control him will not improve your future relationship, it will only damage it. Step away from the situation and accept that it is not yours to manage. Focus on enjoying your time with them instead, as that is the only thing that does fall within your control.

+1, based on personal experience with DIL.

Though DS was raised LBYM, he never liked it much. So he definitely leads a spendthrift lifestyle (related to a bipolar diagnosis and a variety of other issues). DIL, however, has a much better money-management head on her shoulders. So DH's and my "hands off" approach has maintained a bridge to our son, while dear DIL performs her magic of keeping him on a budget.

We simply answer questions, with the caveat that it's only "our perspective," when they occasionally come to us for info. We hope that our actions will speak louder than any words. DIL, DS, and her family seem puzzled that we are FIRED.........but we also lead a more modest lifestyle than they do.

Sometimes they ask how we did it. Most answers include LBYM habits. (And I have handed them occasional Scott Burns articles related to their questions, though DS hates to read.)

Fortunately, DS likes to cook, and DIL is attached to their crockpot.........so they seem to be eating out a little less.

They're now in their second year of marriage. So, we're hoping DS will continue to try to stay within their budget.