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Please say I've made the right choice destroying a 8 year relationship.
Old 01-04-2008, 05:26 PM   #1
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Please say I've made the right choice destroying a 8 year relationship.

This will be long, so I'll try to be as objective as possible. Also sorry in advance for english errors.

I'm 24 and she's 26. We're both in Brazil and living together in a apartment for about a year. Prior to that we've, how can I say, "semi-lived" together for another year in another city. We've been dating since 1999. I surely love her and she loves me. We're not married.

I'm working in a low-pay job earning $12k/year. She works in a Bank and earns $35k/year. I have a high chance, until the end of 2008, to get a job that pays $61k/year and in 2011-2012 $170k/year. She will probably top her salary at $56k/year for the next 10-15 years.

Our economies: She has a "brazilian 401k" with 2.5k, we have invested 4.5k in bonds and she has a special government savings account (mandatory to all legalized workers here in Brazil) with 4k. Total 11k. We also have a car that my dad gave to me but it is still in his name, so it's not really mine.

Here's what happened: yesterday we were discussing our finances and once again she had the opinion that we should raise our spending, this time because she "needed" a branded special shampoo that costs $200, so I argued that she already has a $400 "fun money" to buy whatever she wants every month. She not only maxed this money but also overspent it by a large amount last month. She was very offended when I said this and then she left the room. Later on she was in the bed and I tried to sleep too. She said I wouldn't sleep in the bed that day. I argued that the bed was ours, so yes I would sleep in the bed. She then suddenly exploded and screamed "I hate you! I hate you!" and pushed me out of bed. Of course I was shocked by this behavior but I knew that to talk at that time would be futile, so I tried to sleep in the sofa.

Well, I tried to sleep in the sofa, but couldn't. It was too small to me. Result: I only slept between 5:00AM-6:00AM!!! That means that in the last 48h I only slept 1.

So when I realized in the night that I wouldn't be able to sleep I used that time to think about my relationship and more important the differences and similarities that we have. I came to these conclusions:

-Why the hell I'm awake 2:00AM when I don't want to? This is absurd and she was responsible for this.
-When we had last year a combined salary of $30k she said that we couldn't save any money because it was too little money already for both of us. Now we have a combined salary of $45k and she still thinks that we can't save anything because she wants to increase even more the spending eating out, having more money for food, for her, etc. The only savings that we could make so far were the "mandatory" savings by the government (her 401k and the other account) and some money that my parents send to me every month to help me (even that money I had to argue heavily with her not to spend it). To sum it up: I really want to save, ER very early (40 years tops) and live a simple but confortable lifestyle. She agreed with my plan of ER, but what I'm sensing is that her urge to spend more and more will never stop. She already said to me that wanted to buy a new car even though we have NO necessity of this now (our car has 23k miles).
-I'm more introverted (INTJ/ISTJ MTBI) while se is the complete opposite (ENFP). The result is that I want to stay more at home and she wants to go out more. I also have problems discussing the relationship with her, and she deservedly complains a lot to me about this.
-She has some huge jealousy problems. I can't even talk to another girl that she freaks out.
-She really likes to have my attention all the time. She complains if I talk too much time with a friend at the phone or go play some game in the computer while she has nothing to do. I really miss to have some free time to myself.
-She is just not the "saver" kind of person. She often doesn't even check the price of the products in the grocery shop, and if one thing is $1 and a 10% better product costs $4 she will buy the most expensive because she says she just like the other product more.
-We could surely make sex more often. I'd like to make it 3-4 times a week, when we're doing it once every 15 days maximum.
-On the bright side, she is a very beautiful woman, she does give to me all the attention I need, we're VERY faithful to each other and I overall like to spend time with her watching movies/series or going to the bar or restaurant with her. And of course that we love each other very very much.
-She likes to dance and I don't. She says to me that she really miss dancing.
-I love to study about many subjects (history, languages, science, etc) while she's mostly interested in celebrity gossip.
-I'm an atheist while she is catholic. Surprisingly we never really fighted about this and respected each others opinion.


The conclusion that I came was that this relationship will sadly have no future. Not because of lack of love or attention, but I guess we have some heavy incompatibilities. I've searched extensively in this forum with keywords like "divorce" and "retirement", "single" and "ER", etc., and I came to the conclusion that a divorce or split informal civil union (our case) can really destroy someone's plan to ER. I really suspect that this would be the case if I stayed with her. This could also go very bad if we have a child (I'm sure I don't want to have any, she said that for now she doesn't want but in the future she might want one).

I then after thinking alone for almost 30 hours about the subject I came to her and said that I'm breaking with her and said that was because of our incompatibilities, that I still love her, that this would be worse in the future, etc. Of course she is crying a lot right now, and I also had my quota of tears. This forum was always a source of wisdom from me, so I would really like the opinion of EVERYONE about this. Did I do the right thing? Am I mad breaking up with a beautiful woman that loves me and that I love? PLEASE HELP ME!
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Old 01-04-2008, 05:45 PM   #2
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Run! Run! Get out while you can! Way too many areas where the two of you aren't compatible and the differences you have in the financial area are critical.

Although anything is possible, it is highly unlikely the two of you have a future together. Better you recognize it now and go your separate ways.
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Old 01-04-2008, 05:52 PM   #3
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I am even less qualified ot be a Love Doctor than I am to be a finance guru- but I tend to agree with Wahoo. When you're young the world is full of pretty young women. You aren't doing anyone any good by staying in something with all the problems you mention.

Ha
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Old 01-04-2008, 05:53 PM   #4
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Yep, its not about the shampoo. You're financially incompatible, and she decided to throw you a curveball she knew you couldnt hit.
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Old 01-04-2008, 06:00 PM   #5
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I'm even less qualified to give relationship advice than I am to give financial advice so this is worth what you've paid for it.

I agree with ReWahoo. Sounds like she is in love (with material things) and you are in lust. If the only positives are "she is a very beautiful woman, she does give to me all the attention I need, we're VERY faithful to each other and I overall like to spend time with her watching movies/series or going to the bar or restaurant with her." then they may not be enough.
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Old 01-04-2008, 06:03 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by cute fuzzy bunny View Post
Yep, its not about the shampoo. You're financially incompatible, and she decided to throw you a curveball she knew you couldnt hit.
Spoken by a learned possessor of the PhD in womanology.

Ha
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Old 01-04-2008, 06:17 PM   #7
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When I read the topic I was ready with a wise guy answer. I can understand how badly you must feel now. I know, I KNOW that you will get over missing the girl after time goes by. That is a certainty. If you stayed with her your discomfort would only continue and probably, eventually, end up with a separation in the future. Relationships are very much like emotional investments. The sooner you divest yourself of this bad investment and find someone new, the sooner that new relationships' emotional returns will begin compounding.

Hey, I gotta go. I hear gunfire outside.. no kidding!
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Old 01-04-2008, 06:19 PM   #8
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Ok, here's a woman's point of view. Did you do the right thing? Yes.

It's ok to love her, but that will fade with time. If you want a lasting relationship, you must have common goals.

By the way, I've been married for over 30 years...and you guessed it, we have common goals.
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Old 01-04-2008, 06:35 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Leonardo View Post
Here's what happened: yesterday we were discussing our finances and once again she had the opinion that we should raise our spending, this time because she "needed" a branded special shampoo that costs $200,
umm...are you missing a decimal point there?

my guess: you do not love her.
men in love tend not to be able to see any faults in their object of desire, nor think objectively, which you seem to be doing very clearly.

so, you did the right thing.
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Old 01-04-2008, 06:47 PM   #10
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Where would you put the decimal point? I think someone just REALLY likes her hair.
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Old 01-04-2008, 06:55 PM   #11
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Old 01-04-2008, 06:59 PM   #12
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Everyone,

Thanks SO MUCH for the responses so far. This is probably the most important day in my life. This will be a BIG change. I just can't remeber very well living without her.

bbbam1, thanks for your opinion, a woman's point of view is crucial. I guess that the big important thing for a relationship is indeed to have common goals. I just feel so bad because she (at least for now) also don't want to have a child, and it's so hard to find a childfree woman. I also keep thinking that her urge to buy will end somehow as we earn more money, specially because, aside from cosmetics (yes, the shampoo cost $200,00), she doesn't care about very expensive clothes, etc. Well, I guess that this paragraph was made by my emotional side that keeps telling me "You love her, she is childfree, she will stop increasing the expenses, it's so much easier to stay with her than to move out back to your parents home and begin from scratch...". Please consider that I've just taken a very intense emotional hit and I'm exhausted and sleep deprived. I need to rest a little.

I will make sure to re-read ALL posts when I wake up tomorrow to remind myself what the right choice really is and try to quiet a little my emotional side.

Once again, thanks a lot for the replies! Please continue giving your opinions because with every post I learn something new or reaffirm the toughest decision I made in my life.
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Old 01-04-2008, 07:00 PM   #13
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"It's better to have loved and lost."

It's also cheaper.

As was mentioned: it's better to end it now than later; as troubles and arguments will only escalate. Sacrifices to preserve the relationship will only cause resentment (on both sides).
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Old 01-04-2008, 07:12 PM   #14
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Another woman's point of view

It's a very difficult time, ezpecially since your relationship has been lengthy. But CFB is right, it's not about the shampoo. You did the right thing. You will recover, and in time, you will find another partner who shares your life goals.

Good luck!
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Old 01-04-2008, 07:17 PM   #15
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You made the right choice. Your woman is a precious metals excavator (gold digger) and you will never meet any of your goals while in a relationship with her.

"-We could surely make sex more often. I'd like to make it 3-4 times a week, when we're doing it once every 15 days maximum."

Another reason she has to go. Beautiful or not she's stingy. Every fifteen days indeed. You need a GGG woman who is frugal.
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Old 01-04-2008, 07:26 PM   #16
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I'm working in a low-pay job earning $12k/year. She works in a Bank and earns $35k/year.

We also have a car that my dad gave to me but it is still in his name.

When we had last year a combined salary of $30k she said that we couldn't save any money because it was too little money already for both of us. Now we have a combined salary of $45k
ok, I'm trying to puzzle this one out. Please forgive and correct me if I've read the situation incorrectly...


Do I understand you to say that last year she made the $30K per year and you did not make anything?

And you now make $12K to her 35K? You also contribute the use of a car that is not your own?

Further, she has saved 6.5k of her own money, while you have saved some unidentified portion of your jointly-owned 4.5K?

Can I assume that you were in college or otherwise bettering yourself before now? Can you give us more information on how you expect to go from $12K to 6 in one year, and from there up to 170K? (If you can, I'd like to apply for a job with your firm! ;-)

Again, I'm trying to understand what the other factors are. Because without this background, I'm tempted, perhaps unfairly, to the wrong conclusion. I'm tempted to think that she makes and saves the majority of the money (forced or otherwise, it's part of HER compensation), while your contribution is a small part of the total (provided in part by your parents) together with instructions to her on how much she can spend of what she works to get, and on what.

Based on my (perhaps faulty) understanding, I'd say yes, absolutely, get out of the relationship. You two are clearly financially incompatible.
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Old 01-04-2008, 07:42 PM   #17
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A golddigger that uses sex as a weapon? Dude, run away, FAST!!!!
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Old 01-04-2008, 08:03 PM   #18
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I know this is very hard for you, particularly if you've been together since 1999, but it sounds like you are really on different tracks. And while the financial piece is what you're concentrating on now, there are way too many other issues that could rear their heads in the future -- like the issue of having children. You say you don't want any; she says she doesn't want any now...but what if she changes her mind and you don't?

For what it's worth, DH and I just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary and after three decades, I couldn't imagine staying with him if we didn't share many fundamental beliefs.

Life's too short. Mourn your loss, then move on.
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Old 01-04-2008, 08:04 PM   #19
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Ok, I couldn't resist and checked the thread again before going to sleep. Just for an update, she moved to sleep in a friend's house. "Such a lonely day shouldn't exist... It's a day that I'll never miss... such a loney day, and it's mine...the most loneliest day of my life."

Cattusbabe, what is a GGG woman?

Caroline, here's the situation:

I've recently graduated from law school. No debt (public universities here are the best ones).

Last year I also contributed to our income (the same amount of today, in fact). Her salary was a lot lower before.

We lived in another city and had to move to our actual city because we discovered her mother had cancer and we needed to take care of her. She passed away last february. Because of this city change my dad "gave" me a car I was already using in the previous city, but "in the paper" the car is his, not mine.

From that 6.5k, more than 5k was paid by the Bank, therefore she only contributed from her salary less than 1.5k, and that's because the deduction is automatic and if she withdraws the money she will pay a 35% tax.

The 4.5k I saved was from "extra" money that my parents sent to me to help us, as I'm with a very bad job right now. From the 12k I didn't save a dime: everything went to pay our expenses.

About the rapid increase in salary, it's a little complex because I don't know how the government in USA hires people for the judicial system. Here in Brazil we have periodic "public tests" in all areas. I've been studying for almost 2 years to work as a employee of a federal court (salary $61k) and I'm VERY VERY close to pass. Last test I was number 31 of 10.000 people, sadly there were only 3 vacant jobs. This year there will be 150 vacant jobs and the test is next month.

After I get this job, I will continue studying to become a federal judge. The salary is very high ($170k) and so is the difficulty of the test, that's why I've given myself 3-4 years to pass!

You're right that the majority of the money saved is from her job, even if it's the bank that's depositing the money and I also agree that it should be tough for her to earn HER money and have WE saying how to spend it. I guess that now she will have the freedom to do whatever she wants with her money, although it will be slightly tighter for her without my little money.

What do you mean by fiancially incompatible? Because she's a spender and I'm a saver or because of the difference of salary?

Ok, I really need to sleep now, it's 00:00 here.
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Old 01-04-2008, 08:14 PM   #20
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I know this is very hard for you, particularly if you've been together since 1999, but it sounds like you are really on different tracks. And while the financial piece is what you're concentrating on now, there are way too many other issues that could rear their heads in the future -- like the issue of having children. You say you don't want any; she says she doesn't want any now...but what if she changes her mind and you don't?

For what it's worth, DH and I just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary and after three decades, I couldn't imagine staying with him if we didn't share many fundamental beliefs.

Life's too short. Mourn your loss, then move on.
Achiever51, what you said was the absolute truth. "what if she changes her mind and you don't?" That's easily a deal-breaker. I agree that the incompatibilities goes much deeper than the financial side.

Your last phrase made a big impact in me "Life's too short. Mourn your loss, then move on." I'll try to remember that every day!

FinanceDude, I must disagree with you in that. She never used sex as a weapon. She just wants to have sex less than me... a lot less...

Ok, I'm officially out, I'm sleeping at the keyboard.
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