private boarding high school for niece

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GravitySucks 14 At 14 my daughter wanted to be a veternarian/lawyer/president. I think I wanted to be a municipal trash collector/astronaut. Relax. At 14 nothing is set.

Trash collector is an unusual thing to want to be.

Yes true as long as she is able to take care of herself and reasonably responsible overall, she will be ok.
If she wants to be a trash collector or anything else, that's great. I just see her setting herself up for disappointment wanting to be a doctor (her one career goal she has other than working 6 months on a Disney ship) when even the medical test evaluator said she won't likely be able to do that. She could be a doctor but it would take a ton of work - due to her math disorder - and even then it's unlikely she could do the work. I can see her working on a Disney ship - she'd be good at that - but she said she does not want to do that longterm. I never told her she can't be a doctor, I'm saying it here but I will never tell her she can't do something.

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by calmloki Give a girl a chance. Sounds like she is struggling with a lot of influence you don't approve of, but life has a way of wearing those rough edges down. I have a young relative who had - issues. Drugs, pretty morally black dealing with people, disrespectful treatment of parents, stays in lockdown mental/behavioral care facilities. I funded some education post-high school based on grades - got a bogus counterfeit grade report that didn't jibe with a call to the school I made. I cut funding. Relative is now making $100,000+ in IT, has a very nice house and a longterm honey that I don't care for but suspect is just the rudder needed. You just don't know how things will wash out - but you can give a chance.

Yes will give a chance. My problem is accepting the unknown - maybe a few months from now things will turn around for her.

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by skipro33 Just keep her in conversation. Don't judge her, but keep correcting her when she expresses wrong ideas about how the adult world really works. Encourage her when she's making right choices. Set an example for her. Be honest with her when she has questions. Do not talk bad about others to her. In other words, just keep being a good mentor and benefactor for her.

My sister likes that I talk to niece in our "meeting" on Facetime every week. My sister and I have an unwritten agreement I will never badmouth my sister or her husband or niece's dad. I don't, because it would cause an argument. I have seen other family members have such arguments - too long to get into here - but I learned from watching them. My sister badmouths other people all the time - me and her ex and other family. Makes little comments. I just ignore them. She says some good comments, some bad. The only thing I ever said to niece that was not positive was that her mother is not perfect which was in reply to something niece said. But none of us are perfect so I do not see that as a negative comment, nor did niece or anyone else take it as a negative.

We've done positive things. I took niece to the local animal shelter to help volunteer. She helped me prepare holiday gifts for my work customers.

To be honest no one in my family, self included, is perfect, and I could point out faults we all have - but I can look back and see that I've helped. From where she was, in a public school that gave her A's and did not teach her much, she will have an opportunity. No one in my family went to private highschool let alone boarding school.

I guess all I can do, is all I am doing now. Will play it by ear, see how she does, maybe things will work out ok.

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RunningBum In general, it seems like a fine idea, to give the girl a shot at a better life. I didn't read the thread all that closely, a little too much gas for me. But I have to chuckle at my favorite misused word: "defiantly". It works in place of "definitely" (unlike loose/lose), but does change the meaning somewhat, and amusingly. Sorry, back to the topic.

Yes I always misspell that word, for some reason.

[sheehs1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by workburnout It is a very down to earth school. Not snooty at all. In fact my sister would not allow her to go to one of the others due to "too many white people". This one has a lot of diversity which my sister likes. It has a lot of poor kids on scholarships. Some rich ones too of course. But it's not a "typical" rich boarding school. So that part I am not worried about.

You asked for those with experience with what I thought were boarding schools.

After reading back thru the thread and those that posted after me, I am now a bit baffled on exactly what feedback you are looking for.
Your sister has decided to send her to boarding school. You are helping financially.
End of story...right?

[Bestwifeever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GravitySucks 14 At 14 my daughter wanted to be a veternarian/lawyer/president. I think I wanted to be a municipal trash collector/astronaut. Relax. At 14 nothing is set.

DD's sixth grade teacher (retired for twenty years and now collecting a low-six figure pension) used to frequently tell her classes that trash collectors made more money than she did, so yeah, a lot of kids thought that was a good idea.

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sheehs1 You asked for those with experience with what I thought were boarding schools. After reading back thru the thread and those that posted after me, I am now confused on exactly what feedback you are looking for. Your sister has decided to send her to boarding school. You are helping financially. End of story...right?

I guess I haven't been around kids much (other than when I was one long ago) enough to know if it's realistic of me to think she'll change into a productive adult from what she is now. I'm around kids for one of my volunteer jobs, but it's not the same as trying to give my sister requested advice/guidance/help with her kid. That volunteering has nothing to do with giving advice to kids or their parents.

If niece is making excuses on a lot of things and purposely passing gas then laughing when people say it's gross, is it possible this school will help her grow into a responsible adult? I don't mean perfect, just a reasonably (somewhat overall) respectful human being, not unappreciative of all her mom and other family has done for her.
Or, is she likely to have issues the school can't fix? Is there anything I can say or do to prevent her from going in to that new school, only to fail out or get kicked out?

Her mom and I are on the same page with many similar worries, and as far as both wanting her to be more responsible. Her mom totally agrees with almost all I said other than the part I don't bring up to her - which is it is my sister's own fault in a lot of ways.

I can't tell my sister it's her fault or it would start an argument and nothing good would come from it. My sister does not have the patience to deal with the day-to-day little things parents typically deal with raising kids. She just doesn't. She never planned to be a mom. She is making the best of it now, supposedly trying anyway, but it was not what she wanted.

And I'm not saying I'd be a great parent either, but I'm not the parent and she is, she has asked me for help in several ways - my talking to niece and financially - and that's the situation. We both want what is best for my niece. We don't have any other really responsible family members who love my niece. Grandparents love her, but have their own serious issues too long to get into here.

The difference between me and my sister - her mom - is she is the one who is supposed to be raising her and really does not want to, and so is sending her away to school which we (family members) all agree is the best for her situation.
I guess it will be a miracle of sorts, if this school helps her. It's a good chance, better than keeping her at home in a local school, but it's not near guaranteed to help. I wish there was a guarantee but part of having a kid is you can't be sure what you're going to get. Even if you do all the right things, you still can't be guaranteed of a good outcome. My sister is not doing all the right things, because she's not equipped to. I know why she is that way, due to how she was raised (partly in a different household than I was - partly in the same household - long story).

I'm hearing from confidants (outside the family) who have raised kids, that all I can do is the best I can and try to be positive that things will turn out ok. I have seen a lot of family members have serious issues, some still in their 50's still on drugs and one in jail, etc etc, and my sister and I both want her to not turn out like that. A lot of the problems we saw stemmed from how those family members were raised, so we are trying to prevent a problem before it happens with niece.

Maybe I'm overthinking it and there's nothing more I need to do. She will go to the school, I'll keep in touch, send a care package now and then, visit for her plays/school events, and try not to worry too much.

[RunningBum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by workburnout Yes I always misspell that word, for some reason.

It's a common mistake. Always funny to me. Glad you didn't take issue with me pointing it out. Hope it works out for the girl.

[Aerides]

Whether there is more that can be done is really not relevant here, unless you are interested in taking this girl in and doing the parenting. Either now, or if she ends up having to drop out.

If that's not an option (and I'm not saying you should at all), then, nope, from a distance you can send money and care packages, but nothing else with any influence. Money doesn't have much power in this situation. If you can take her on, then great. Maybe offer to have her stay with you for summer breaks if the mother is that flighty Sounds like this girl would do well with some real hands on parenting. Maybe the school can be that surrogate.

And yeah... don't worry about the farting. She sounds immature, but 14 is a really crappy age for girls. Not a kid, dorky (no matter how you see her). Social skills will come out of necessity soon enough.

[ivinsfan]

Well from everything you have written your niece would benefit from a screening for maybe ADHD or perhaps dyslexia...getting A's in public doesn't mean she doesn't have one or both of them or perhaps something else going on.

Unfortunately you have no power to make this happen. However an on the ball school could be an instigator for this if they see specific problems with your DN.

[sheehs1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by workburnout I guess I haven't been around kids much (other than when I was one long ago) enough to know if it's realistic of me to think she'll change into a productive adult from what she is now. I'm around kids for one of my volunteer jobs, but it's not the same as trying to give my sister requested advice/guidance/help with her kid. That volunteering has nothing to do with giving advice to kids or their parents. If niece is making excuses on a lot of things and purposely passing gas then laughing when people say it's gross, is it possible this school will help her grow into a responsible adult? I don't mean perfect, just a reasonably (somewhat overall) respectful human being, not unappreciative of all her mom and other family has done for her. Or, is she likely to have issues the school can't fix? Is there anything I can say or do to prevent her from going in to that new school, only to fail out or get kicked out? Her mom and I are on the same page with many similar worries, and as far as both wanting her to be more responsible. Her mom totally agrees with almost all I said other than the part I don't bring up to her - which is it is my sister's own fault in a lot of ways. I can't tell my sister it's her fault or it would start an argument and nothing good would come from it. My sister does not have the patience to deal with the day-to-day little things parents typically deal with raising kids. She just doesn't. She never planned to be a mom. She is making the best of it now, supposedly trying anyway, but it was not what she wanted. And I'm not saying I'd be a great parent either, but I'm not the parent and she is, she has asked me for help in several ways - my talking to niece and financially - and that's the situation. We both want what is best for my niece. We don't have any other really responsible family members who love my niece. Grandparents love her, but have their own serious issues too long to get into here. The difference between me and my sister - her mom - is she is the one who is supposed to be raising her and really does not want to, and so is sending her away to school which we (family members) all agree is the best for her situation. I guess it will be a miracle of sorts, if this school helps her. It's a good chance, better than keeping her at home in a local school, but it's not near guaranteed to help. I wish there was a guarantee but part of having a kid is you can't be sure what you're going to get. Even if you do all the right things, you still can't be guaranteed of a good outcome. My sister is not doing all the right things, because she's not equipped to. I know why she is that way, due to how she was raised (partly in a different household than I was - partly in the same household - long story). I'm hearing from confidants (outside the family) who have raised kids, that all I can do is the best I can and try to be positive that things will turn out ok. I have seen a lot of family members have serious issues, some still in their 50's still on drugs and one in jail, etc etc, and my sister and I both want her to not turn out like that. A lot of the problems we saw stemmed from how those family members were raised, so we are trying to prevent a problem before it happens with niece. Maybe I'm overthinking it and there's nothing more I need to do. She will go to the school, I'll keep in touch, send a care package now and then, visit for her plays/school events, and try not to worry too much.

IMHO, at 14, it will be her peer group and the friends she chooses at this boarding school that will have a great impact along with the school itself and the requirements they may have for structured study, volunteering, social conscious type things, etc . Have either you or your sister looked into things she can join or participate in?
It does sound like this is the right thing to do given the situation. Other than guide make suggestions, stay in communication with her about her day or week and pray she falls in with a good group of people, there isn't a lot more you can do. She needs to know you and your sister are in touch with the school and are checking on her and "feel" your support.

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bestwifeever DD's sixth grade teacher (retired for twenty years and now collecting a low-six figure pension) used to frequently tell her classes that trash collectors made more money than she did, so yeah, a lot of kids thought that was a good idea.

Well it seems good to be outside all day. Not a desk job.

Niece said she wants a job making a lot of money working with kids, helping them build confidence. She thinks being a psychiatrist is a good way to do that. I think she'd make a really good teacher. Or school counselor. She has volunteered in an after-school science program where she gave presentations to small groups of younger kids at a local museum. She was really good at it, I thought, when I went to visit her. The younger kids really seemed to admire and look up to her.

She is great at presenting things, which is part of what her mom does for one of her jobs (business -to- business sales job where she has to travel).

Since being a teacher does not pay much, she does not want to do that.

She said it would be a waste of money to go to private school and then not earn a lot as an adult. I disagree with her and I did tell her that. Money is not everything, if she has a stable job she enjoys, making a difference, and earning ok money. It's good to earn a lot of money but if you have a real passion for teaching or something else, and can earn a living, it can be better to do that over making a lot of money.

If she ends up becoming a teacher, I'd call that a huge success. She never wanted to be a garbage collector but if that was her dream I'd say go for it. I guess there are a lot of years before she has to decide.

My sister and I both want to tell her just don't turn out like your dad (deadbeat unemployed, usually broke) but I never say a negative word about him to her. My sister has made little negative comments about him. Family members have commented to me about him not paying child support and I've said yes I agree he should but I don't say much. I really should stay out of that so I do.

But we have cousins who are the same way, one stole from other family, had other issues, went to jail, is out now. Another in jail now for drug manufacture. We have a ton of relatives with serious issues, and then some other cousins who are doing great, very responsible. Two are college professors, both have doctorates, teaching at a really good university.

It could go either way with niece. Our family, including extended relatives, is all over the page with some being productive and others being destructive members of society.
Maybe it's partly luck of the draw, with kids, how they turn out.

[Starsky]

I went to a four-year college prep boarding school, a very good one, and many of my fellow students were kids from rich families who didn't have time to take care of them. My experience was that the problem kids eventually washed out b/c they couldn't cut the academics or the rules and went somewhere else. The ones that could straighten things out, did, and they were fine. Not everyone got into Harvard, but hey....

There is a big difference between college prep and regular boarding schools. A regular boarding school will likely have more people in similar circumstances and be willing to try and work with your niece. College prep is about getting into good schools. We had to pass an English competency test to get into the Junior year. You don't pass, you don't move on. Some didn't.

A serious college prep school can be merciless. We had an honor code. If you broke it, cheat once you're out, no second chances, no refunds (unless you bought insurance). So sad, too bad. This school cost over $20K/year back in 1979! Now it's more than $50K/yr. and it still works that way. I had plenty of my classmates disappear during the years to another boarding school. It's not a place that tolerates rule-breakers because they take time and attention from the students who are really trying. Although you won't know how she'll turn out until she goes, you seem to have a suspicion that she'll be trouble, and that warrants more investigation into the school and it's policies.

Based on my boarding school experience, she doesn't sound like a good candidate for any college-prep boarding school that takes rules seriously. She might be fine in another school that is more accommodating. You should be able to find out from administrators, parents and alumni what kind of school she's in. I would definitely talk to someone with experience going there - a recent alumni, or parent perhaps? They will be honest with you. There's too much at stake.

One thing about boarding school is that there is nowhere to hide. These schools are usually much smaller than regular HS, and this can be good or bad - 'big fish in small pond' or the opposite. She may very well thrive because of the engagement level. As an example, I played football at my HS. I'd never make the team at public school - I was way too small!

You're a very nice man for doing this for your niece. I also have a niece in HS that is a world of trouble, but she's no worse than her father was at that age. It's a difficult age that kids will grow out of eventually. I hope yours can perform and gain your confidence. She has more to lose than she knows. Just don't be disappointed if all your efforts are for naught. She will live her own life regardless.

P.S If they offer tuition insurance, buy it!

Edit: You may want to talk to the Headmaster/Headmistress to find out what he/she expects of students. The HM is the one who is responsible for setting the level of expectations and discipline within the school. He/She is always very accessible, is held completely accountable for the school's results, and is concerned about every student in the school.

[pacergal]

OP--
It is good that your niece is excited about this opportunity. Her soon to be peers and the rules/supervision at school will either help guide her to change or not, it will be entirely her choices that she makes. At 14, kids are greatly influenced by those around them, so she may do very well away from her mom. She is also heading into a time of great growth and change in the next couple of years.
Continue to stay in contact with her, especially in the first several weeks/months at the new school environment.
Best of luck to all of you. Keep us informed in how she does!

[bmcgonig]

I went to boarding school when I was 14. Not a college prep though. One thing is that they had supervised study but I really didn't study. I was just an immature kid. And no one made me study. So even though the study time is supervised, the kid studying isn't. You will need your own ways to keep on top of that, such as seeing weekly report cards or something such.

Still a great idea. Good luck.

[Teacher Terry]

It sounds like a great opportunity for your niece and so wonderful of you to help!

[Brat]

There is a Walmart just down the road from the nearest Costco. I will order something to pick up if convenient. I avoid shopping in the store.

[Bamaman]

Sounds as if what your niece needs is intensive family therapy. And possibly new parents.

I raised a great niece and nephew in my 20's and 30's, and they each have two kids. All four great niece and nephews went to the finest private schools because of the dismal condition of public schools in their large southern city.

Their private schools are $20-22K for each child per year. By the time all 4 graduate high school, my sister will have spent well over $1 million--before college. One 16 year old has requires 4 day per week private tutoring the last 10 years just to pass.

I had quite a few friends in college that went away for high school. One went to a prep school in Virginia because that's what sons of Mississippi Delta farmers do. Others went to military schools where they learned to smoke, drink, cuss and do drugs.

If you're going to do anything, put her into a local really good private school for one year. Then decide which direction her motivation is going. It sounds as if what she really needs is a good mentor to look after her--and to teach her some manners.

Right now, your niece is simply not prepared mentally or socially for the rigorous curriculum that any quality private school is going to throw at her. My first thought is I wonder if your niece has ever seen the inside of a church, but that's another issue?

[marko]

I only have this one perspective:

We have a nephew who at 13-14 was headed down the wrong path; attracted to the 'thug life' (pants on the ground, fake diamond earrings, real attitude, minor scrapes with the law). Family home life wasn't helping and DW and I were the 'bad rich people' somehow indirectly responsible for the world's ills.

At some point however he started getting away from his circle of friends and somehow started hanging out with the rich kids. He started to see how other people live and what another type of life is like; lucky enough to get out of the house and spend summers on Martha's Vineyard, skiing in Colorado etc. just by tagging along with his new buddies.

He straightened himself out, just graduated a good college (courtesy of his 'bad' aunt and uncle who footed most of the bill) and starts a great job next week downtown.

My point is that perhaps your niece needs a 'change of scenery'. Get out of a toxic home situation, new friends who may exert some positive peer pressure and get her on track.

Good luck!

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bamaman Sounds as if what your niece needs is intensive family therapy. And possibly new parents. I raised a great niece and nephew in my 20's and 30's, and they each have two kids. All four great niece and nephews went to the finest private schools because of the dismal condition of public schools in their large southern city. Their private schools are $20-22K for each child per year. By the time all 4 graduate high school, my sister will have spent well over $1 million--before college. One 16 year old has requires 4 day per week private tutoring the last 10 years just to pass. I had quite a few friends in college that went away for high school. One went to a prep school in Virginia because that's what sons of Mississippi Delta farmers do. Others went to military schools where they learned to smoke, drink, cuss and do drugs. If you're going to do anything, put her into a local really good private school for one year. Then decide which direction her motivation is going. It sounds as if what she really needs is a good mentor to look after her--and to teach her some manners. Right now, your niece is simply not prepared mentally or socially for the rigorous curriculum that any quality private school is going to throw at her. My first thought is I wonder if your niece has ever seen the inside of a church, but that's another issue?

Yes, I agree with about all you said.

It's funny you mentioned therapy. I have a friend I volunteer with who happens to be a child therapist (counselor). I told her about my niece a while back, and this situation. She mentioned possibly therapy as well and I brought it up to my sister who immediately said it is not needed.

At least her new school has therapy options (counselling) for both academics and personal issues, if she needs it (anything really serious they would not handle there - but I'm talking "typical" teenage things they would).

I wish we had put her in private school for 8th grade or earlier. My mom wanted to pay for her to attend private school earlier but my sister would not allow it and I think one reason was my sister's current husband thought it was elitist. Sister said to me that she did not think mom could afford it at the time, but that was not the case at all. Mom is not rich but she could have afforded it. And I would have helped. But mom and I did not press the issue as it's not our kid.

Niece's dad visits her maybe once a month and they all get along even though he rarely pays child support - he does not mind where she goes to school - he's indifferent with that for the most part.

Her husband still does not like the idea of her going to boarding school, but she made sure it was diverse and not "all white rich people" as she put it. It has a lot of international students, along with US boarding students, mixed in with local day students, which adds to the diversity. Some rich kids go there but not all rich like at other schools they visited.

He agreed to let her go to BS- partly because it would make life easier for him not having her there as often (for example, if he wants to watch a R rated movie he can, as he feels uncomfortable watching one if she's at home). He should not have a choice where she attends school, as it's not his child, and he has only known her a few years, IMHO. Ultimately it is my sister's decision over anyone else's, and she allows him to influence her child-rearing.

Part of the problem with niece's lack of responsibility is his poor influence, but that's another long story.

At least now she's getting to go. The public school is good for some kids - I'm not at all against public school - but it's not that good for my niece - due to many reasons I already mentioned.

Since she is entering 9th in the fall, we have all (family members who are helping) agreed it is best to try to keep her in the same school for the next 4 years of high school, in part so she will be with mostly the same kids through high school.

Of course we are hoping she does not get kicked out. Yes we will lose our money if she does - we are well aware - no refunds on what is a monthly payment plan that's started already.

My mom is thrilled it is a religious school, that requires chapel/church attendance regularly. She and her husband have taken her to their ultra-conservative Christian church 2-3x a month when she was younger, for many years, and my niece used to go along with it - but now makes fun of it being so strict. My sister is atheist but did take her to the local (very liberal) unitarian church a few times when she was younger, as they they had good friends there (one was her part time nanny). My niece knows (or at least used to know) how to act properly in church and does believe in God but is not religious. She will be required to take at least one Bible class at her new school. It is mainly Christian but has some (mostly international) students of other faiths (Muslim, Buddhist, etc) who attend.

It is not super strict as far as religious schools go, but way more strict than she is used to. Her school now does not allow prayer in school. The one she's going to requires it. Even though I'm not religious, I think the spiritual aspect will be good for her. My sister, despite being athiest, does not mind although the religious aspect was not important to her.

I am really hoping the peer pressure at her new school helps her behave, and become embarrassed if she passes gas in front of someone. It is funny on the surface, but not really.

When she made the comment about doing it in front of her new roommate, and said it might be ok once she's been there a month or two, I thought this is going to be a problem. And, I thought she'll have to learn to change because few roommates will want to put up with that.

She said she likes it quiet and all lights out when she goes to bed. So she's going to have to learn to deal with whoever she gets put with. If her roommate wants a night light - or likes music while she's getting ready for school - they will need to work that out and adjust. She also said she prefers not to have an international student! Well, the school policy is to put international students with a U.S. one for cultural growth. About 1/3 of the students boarding in her grade are international so she has a good chance of being put with one. I hope she gets one who speaks French - since she'll be taking that.

She is going to have to step up her level of responsibility, in so many ways. I honestly want to believe she can do it - but I'm not sure. Nor is my sister, and she's usually more positive thinking than I am. But we both have some doubts. My sister is saying she needs a B average to be worth it to stay there with the price we are all paying- but my sister is flexible and that's not set in stone.

I was helping her with French since she's taking it for the first time and I know it pretty well. I am not 100% fluent, but enough to help with beginner high school french. After several grammar lessons - all very basic - she still did not know how to spell "Bonjour". That will be about the first word they teach.

It's going to be hard for her I think, because they let you get away with so much in the school district she's used to - they really do give A's for effort. They'd mark her correct for trying to spell "bonjour" even if she missed a couple letters, in her public school where she is located.

The reason I don't want her in a private school near her house (and my sister did suggest that as an option) is she gets little supervision at home - so she's not likely to do all the homework assigned. My sister's gone half the time on work trips and her husband is not going to supervise niece's studying. If she's at boarding school they require study hall - supervised - and "micromanage" the kids so to speak - so she will be required to study.

That is my thought anyway, from all I read about the school.
I agree with you that she is not prepared now, but it is possible she can step up her game once she gets there- the choice is up to her. It will be a huge adjustment.