|
proper etiquette for this situation?
10-21-2015, 05:00 AM
|
#1
|
Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 61
|
proper etiquette for this situation?
Husband and I are visiting out of state family. Found out a week prior to our departure there is going to be a wedding while we are visiting and that we will be attending along with his mother and multiple other family members. The bride is the daughter of my husbands second cousin. I probably met this second cousin years ago but now could not pick her out of a crowd of 3 people. My husband rarely is in contact with her either. Husband and I dont even know/have never met her daughter or the groom. We did not receive an invitation in the mail....We will attend, but I feel a little strange doing so. And, now, I'm wondering about a wedding gift......
|
|
|
|
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!
Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!
|
10-21-2015, 05:05 AM
|
#2
|
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: NC
Posts: 21,204
|
Gifts aren't mandatory, but why wouldn't you?
Quote:
If I'm attending a destination wedding, is my presence enough of a present?
No, it is not, our experts say.
Most couples understand that the expense of travel might cut into the gift, but according to Post, "it is still customary to send a gift if you are attending.”
Purdy agrees. “It’s customary to give a token gift even if it’s just a token, but it should reflect your relationship with the couple.”
|
The Refined Rules of Wedding Gift Etiquette | Fox News Magazine
__________________
No one agrees with other people's opinions; they merely agree with their own opinions -- expressed by somebody else. Sydney Tremayne
Retired Jun 2011 at age 57
Target AA: 50% equity funds / 45% bonds / 5% cash
Target WR: Approx 1.5% Approx 20% SI (secure income, SS only)
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 05:38 AM
|
#3
|
Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 441
|
It's rather difficult to decide on what gift to give someone you really don't know but you can give cash/check with the wedding greeting card. You decide the amount $20-$100+.
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 05:49 AM
|
#4
|
Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto
Posts: 203
|
At very least, your gift should cover the cost of the meal for two people, recognizing that the couple is also paying for the hall, the band/DJ, flowers, etc., I would say at least $100, and probably a lot more, but it will depend if they are doing the full wedding hall thing, or something more homespun.
If they are going the homespun route, they have probably had to do a ton of the work themselves to make it nice, so you wouldn't want to be cheap.
It is kind of odd to attend a wedding to which you were not invited. I assume arrangements were made through family members.
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 06:07 AM
|
#5
|
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,983
|
I'd leave a week early.
__________________
Took SS at 62 and hope I live long enough to regret the decision.
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 06:12 AM
|
#6
|
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 11,317
|
You were not actually invited by the bride and groom? I would inquire with the family members I was visiting to find out if they cajoled a last minute invitation so they could include you. If so, I would tell them to call back and cancel the invitation and spend that afternoon with a book. Unless, that is, there would be a fair number of friends/family members you would like to catch up with. In that case, buy a gift and go.
__________________
Idleness is fatal only to the mediocre -- Albert Camus
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 06:18 AM
|
#7
|
Moderator
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flyover country
Posts: 25,199
|
Going to the wedding, or to the wedding and reception?
Big difference.
I've seen plenty of weddings where a big crowd was present, but the reception was just for a much smaller group of specifically invited guests. Going to the reception would obviously imply the need for a gift, but if you're just among the wedding ceremony crowd, not so much.
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 07:54 AM
|
#8
|
Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 47,473
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Davis65
It is kind of odd to attend a wedding to which you were not invited. I assume arrangements were made through family members.
|
I would not feel comfortable with this arrangement at ALL, and honestly? I would not go. Crashing a wedding is not my idea of fun, even if the wedding is for some distant family member. And without a written, formal invitation, that is exactly what you are doing.
I don't think Emily Post covers proper etiquette for crashing a wedding.
__________________
Already we are boldly launched upon the deep; but soon we shall be lost in its unshored, harbourless immensities. - - H. Melville, 1851.
Happily retired since 2009, at age 61. Best years of my life by far!
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 07:57 AM
|
#9
|
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Utrecht
Posts: 2,650
|
I'd ask to find out how large the group is.
Big event with 1000 people: fine to attend. Small event, invent a plausible excuse not to attend and send a nice card. Same thing with deciding to attend only the ceremony, the party reception, dinner etc ..
And some people / cultures think the more the merrier, while having a few strangers attend can be experienced as a fantastic treat by the happy couple, making the marriage "extra blessed".
Guess what I'm saying: just ask a bit more about the expectations and circumstances.
For me specifically for example having distant family attend my hypothetical wedding would be great. For others in my family, not so much.
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 08:00 AM
|
#10
|
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,288
|
I would never go to a wedding if I wasnt invited by the bride or groom....and they probably dont want people they dont really know being invited by other guests. Does the bride and groom even know you are coming?
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 08:10 AM
|
#11
|
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 11,401
|
If I had not received an invitation in the mail and had not been invited by the couple, I would not be attending.
You probably received this informal invitation (from whom?) because of a sense of obligation because you will be in the area. Perhaps a spontaneous informal invitation reflects the culture of this family....or not. In my family, inviting people I didn't know to a wedding simply would not happen. In fact, I recall a cousin's wedding years ago where friends of a cousin of the bride who were visiting from another country joined in the evening party. They were treated courteously but their dress was too informal (too much skin showing) and their presence made quite a few people uncomfortable.
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 08:22 AM
|
#12
|
Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 17,773
|
Maybe all the invitations were informal and it's a family and friends party/reunion vibe? If your mother wrangled the invitation on your behalf since you will be visiting then, it won't reflect poorly on you to attend (just on her, if that) and it might make you seem standoffish if now you don't attend (I am looking at this through the lens of some of DH's extended family who love to talk about things like this, for years and years). I would probably attend graciously, and at the wedding thank everyone involved most copiously for the invitation, and give a decent enough gift (ask what your mother is giving them). You'll probably never see them again so it probably doesn't really matter but that's what I would do.
__________________
“Would you like an adventure now, or would you like to have your tea first?” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 02:01 PM
|
#13
|
Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 25,300
|
Unless I'd been invited by by the bride & groom I would not attend. Since they did not extend the invitation, who did?
__________________
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 02:47 PM
|
#14
|
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,764
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Walt34
Unless I'd been invited by by the bride & groom I would not attend. Since they did not extend the invitation, who did?
|
What Walt said.
For some reason people think it's okay to include other people in their invitation. I had an anniversary party for my parents and the invitation said "no children". A relative brought their small children. We had a wonderful sit-down dinner at a very nice restaurant with two children that screamed, ran around and threw food. The husband and wife were sure we didn't mean their children. Wasn't he cute with potatoes on his head......just precious!
|
|
|
10-21-2015, 03:12 PM
|
#15
|
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,863
|
I think I'd pass unless I received an invitation.
|
|
|
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
Thread Tools |
|
Display Modes |
Linear Mode
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|
» Recent Threads
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
» Quick Links
|
|
|