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PUNishment
Old 02-01-2007, 06:06 PM   #1
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PUNishment

THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT.

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist
friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-01-2007, 06:24 PM   #2
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Re: PUNishment

mickeyd,

Those were great, keep 'em coming.

(less) Grumpy (now)
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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-01-2007, 06:31 PM   #3
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Re: PUNishment

I don't have any quite so good as those, but...

In my writer's chat room one night, we were brainstorming about possible obstacles/threats that could impede people trying to sneak into a secret passage from the outside.

Person One: Hmmm... how about killer plants?
Person Two: Guardenias?
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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-01-2007, 06:32 PM   #4
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Re: PUNishment

Those were super!
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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-01-2007, 09:13 PM   #5
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Re: PUNishment

If a spouse makes a bad pot of coffee can that be cited as "grounds" for divorce?
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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-02-2007, 12:39 AM   #6
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Old 02-02-2007, 10:06 AM   #7
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Re: PUNishment

Courtesy of my brother...

You heard of the group folks from a home for the mentally challenged that formed a famous singing troupe back in the 60-70's? Oh yes, they toured the world but because they were paying their own way they had to travel and eat frugally and usually drank Tab and fruit of which apples were their favorite. You know them, the Moron Tab and Apple Choir!
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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-02-2007, 10:22 AM   #8
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Re: PUNishment

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The Titanic hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-02-2007, 10:25 AM   #9
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Re: PUNishment

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.
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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-02-2007, 11:44 AM   #10
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Re: PUNishment

Thanks, these were great!!!
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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-02-2007, 11:47 AM   #11
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Re: PUNishment

This morning, police were called to a daycare where a two year old was resisting a rest.
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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-02-2007, 12:59 PM   #12
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Re: PUNishment

Love em.
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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-02-2007, 01:06 PM   #13
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Re: PUNishment

There was a woman who had triplets and decided to name them Matt, Pat, and Tat. She soon decided to give Tat up for adoption. Why?

Because there was no tit for Tat. :P
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Re: PUNishment
Old 02-02-2007, 04:18 PM   #14
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Re: PUNishment

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.
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