Question about internet dating site use

[gretah]

I was just reading an old thread about internet dating. Interesting comments! I have a question that wasn't answered there so I hope to get some comments in this thread.


Would someone please explain this -

While trying a few internet dating sites awhile ago, several guys wrote to me saying they liked my profile but we lived too far away to date. (True.)

But they wanted us to start emailing each other.

I never understood that.

Why would they want to spend time being "pen pals" with someone they knew they wouldn't date?
Was this a technique to get something other than dating after a bit of time, like sexting or phone sex?
Do guys just like having women pen pals?

[powerplay]

One possibility is that they would spend time e-mailing and flattering you and then start having emergencies trying to get you to provide $$$$ to them for all these awful unforeseen events. Be careful!

[Blaineatk]

It is possible that they were just lonely guys who lacked the confidence to talk to girls in a personal way, face to face. Gaining that relationship online would be their way of being able to reach out to people of the opposite sex without the risk of facing the rejection. Also, it is sometimes easier to converse with some people when you have the sense of anonymity, therefore being able to build that relationship.

There is also the chance that they were going just where you think they may have been trying to go. The sexting thing or pic collecting can be a fairly big thing as well.

My personal opinion is that it is more likely that you were just talking to someone who is either not very outgoing in person and that is their way of having the relationship. Or that they may have just appreciated your qualities, be it intellect, physical features, or whatever else on your profile that attracted them; they just wanted to converse with you due to the interest in one of those.

Online dating is really weird and you never know what you are going to get with people, especially since they are "hidden" behind the screen. It really seems to bring the crazy out sometimes!

(I know that I used the semi colon incorrectly and hope to one day figure out its proper use haha)

[Sunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by powerplay One possibility is that they would spend time e-mailing and flattering you and then start having emergencies trying to get you to provide $$$$ to them for all these awful unforeseen events. Be careful!

Likely this, and they may not have even been in your country. AARP had an article about this exact thing, where the lady ending up sending well over $200,000 in little transactions to the fellow over an entire year, sad...

[Dash man]

I met my wife online 17 years ago and we lived about three hours apart. We wrote emails and did instant messaging, and eventually started talking on the telephone. I had an opportunity for a prolonged business trip of nine months nearby where she lived. We met and started dating. Before my nine month assignment was up I knew I wanted to marry this girl, even if it meant quitting my job. Turned out I was offered a full time position before I had to give my notice. We got married and seventeen years later I'm happier everyday I spend with her. Some times it works out. Just be careful.


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[W2R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dash man [...]Some times it works out. Just be careful.

+1

I haven't gone to matchmaker sites since I met Frank on one, fifteen years ago. So I don't have any up-to-date info on anything. I just know it's a miracle we ever met, given the number of goofballs, criminals, cheaters, and con artists on these sites. You have to be really, really, REALLY careful. If your gut instincts tell you something is wrong, they are probably right. And if they don't, be careful anyway.

But as Dash man says, sometimes it works out and then it is worth all that you went through to find the right person.

[utrecht]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R +1 I haven't gone to matchmaker sites since I met Frank on one, fifteen years ago. So I don't have any up-to-date info on anything. I just know it's a miracle we ever met, given the number of goofballs, criminals, cheaters, and con artists on these sites. You have to be really, really, REALLY careful. If your gut instincts tell you something is wrong, they are probably right. And if they don't, be careful anyway. But as Dash man says, sometimes it works out and then it is worth all that you went through to find the right person.

My personal opinion is that there are no more goofballs, criminals, cheaters and con artists at online dating sites as there are in bars or night clubs. But I agree that just like meeting someone in a bar or anywhere else, "if you gut instincts tell you something is wrong, they are probably right".

[jIMOh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gretah I was just reading an old thread about internet dating. Interesting comments! I have a question that wasn't answered there so I hope to get some comments in this thread. Would someone please explain this - While trying a few internet dating sites awhile ago, several guys wrote to me saying they liked my profile but we lived too far away to date. (True.) But they wanted us to start emailing each other. I never understood that. Why would they want to spend time being "pen pals" with someone they knew they wouldn't date? Was this a technique to get something other than dating after a bit of time, like sexting or phone sex? Do guys just like having women pen pals?

They may ask you to send money to nigeria, be careful.

I am very weary of any woman which wanted to email over talk on the phone. Phone numbers are easily blocked, so if someone does not want to share numbers, they are too conservative for me, I guess.

I evolved to a process which worked quite well... a few women I dated I stayed in touch with and they helped me with portions of the process.

I dated all over. I live in Cincinnati, Tinder treated me well in California, Western NY, Michigan, Atlanta and Pittsburgh. Eharmony took me a few places too.

My process went like this
1) within a few minutes on tinder chatting, I always asked what city woman lived closest to. I don't want to know zip code, but knowing east side/west side etc helps
2) Always start by meeting for coffee- very easy to make a quick exit if needed, and coffee only costs $5.
3) Meet for an evening drink as either an alternate to date #1 or for date #2. Again a drink only costs about $5.

If a woman met me twice for drinks or coffee, she had genuine interest. I had a couple women on tinder insist on dinner/night out for date #1, I never met them.

I do make exceptions- one woman I met in Atlanta our date lasted "a long time", so she bought drinks, I bought dinner etc as we alternated, and we knew that before date began... 6 hour drive there, 8 hour date, drove home next day after breakfast with a friend in Atlanta as well.

4) If they had a linked in profile or FB profile I would try to find it. Check portions of their "story". For example if someone gives you a college, first name and large city they are near, linked in should find them. Linked in should also give other questions I could ask to keep conversation going

5) Tinder is all about the conversation, right here, right now- if a conversation is going for 5 minutes and he doesn't ask you out, he's not interested.

6) I always met on her home turf unless she wanted something else. Choose common public meeting places (starbucks or panera for coffee, applebees or similar for drinks) as these are very public places, easy to find.

7) I can measure a person's interest by how easy dates are to schedule. If a woman said "she's busy" without giving an alternative suggestion or available time, I was done with her faster than toilet paper. Saying yes is very attractive.

So I don't do pen pals
I expect to meet and decide if I want to meet again

[tmm99]

Quote:

Originally Posted by utrecht My personal opinion is that there are no more goofballs, criminals, cheaters and con artists at online dating sites as there are in bars or night clubs. But I agree that just like meeting someone in a bar or anywhere else, "if you gut instincts tell you something is wrong, they are probably right".

I would think there are more weirdo's online - like old men posing as teenagers, etc - which is simply not possible in bars. (Maybe I watched one too many 20/20's on this topic...)

I have one friend who has met all her boyfriends online (at least the last few ) - She makes sure and meets them in a public place and I think she only gives out her first name, until she can assess the person fully. She found someone special enough two years ago and they moved in together just this summer.

[Dash man]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R +1 I haven't gone to matchmaker sites since I met Frank on one, fifteen years ago. So I don't have any up-to-date info on anything. I just know it's a miracle we ever met, given the number of goofballs, criminals, cheaters, and con artists on these sites. You have to be really, really, REALLY careful. If your gut instincts tell you something is wrong, they are probably right. And if they don't, be careful anyway. But as Dash man says, sometimes it works out and then it is worth all that you went through to find the right person.

Some things to consider about being careful include meeting in public places for a while. Always let a trusted friend or relative know where you are and how long you expect to be there. Perhaps allow them to track you on your phone if it has that capability. Have them call you to see how things are going and have a code word to indicate you need help. Drive separate cars for the first few dates. Pepper spray may be good to have available too.
In my case, I did not know where she lived for our first two months of dating, largely to keep her son out of the picture until she felt the time was right to meet him. I respected her wishes and she liked that.


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[W2R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by utrecht My personal opinion is that there are no more goofballs, criminals, cheaters and con artists at online dating sites as there are in bars or night clubs. But I agree that just like meeting someone in a bar or anywhere else, "if you gut instincts tell you something is wrong, they are probably right".

I am pretty sure you are right. Since I don't drink, I never tried meeting anybody at bars or night clubs because I don't go to places like that. I would imagine that it might even be worse in bars or night clubs but do not know.

I did find that at least one fairly creepy online date tried to secretly follow me home after meeting at a well lit, very public place and then saying goodbye. I managed to ditch him but that's something to look out for.

[jIMOh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R I am pretty sure you are right. Since I don't drink, I never tried meeting anybody at bars or night clubs because I don't go to places like that. I would imagine that it might even be worse in bars or night clubs but do not know. I did find that at least one fairly creepy online date tried to secretly follow me home after meeting at a well lit, very public place and then saying goodbye. I managed to ditch him but that's something to look out for.

If you are being followed, take 3 straight left turns. No one would ever make 3 straight left turns- one right turn would work just fine...

[easysurfer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gretah I was just reading an old thread about internet dating. Interesting comments! I have a question that wasn't answered there so I hope to get some comments in this thread. Would someone please explain this - While trying a few internet dating sites awhile ago, several guys wrote to me saying they liked my profile but we lived too far away to date. (True.) But they wanted us to start emailing each other. I never understood that. Why would they want to spend time being "pen pals" with someone they knew they wouldn't date? Was this a technique to get something other than dating after a bit of time, like sexting or phone sex? Do guys just like having women pen pals?

As others have responded, the answers vary as for each question, I think the correct answer is "maybe" . IMO, like face to face meetings, the best approach for someone you may be interested in is to don't rush and take your time to see how the other person really is like.

One thing I've learning be being on a couple of internet dating sites is that I can spot phonies easier than I used to. There are some dead giveaways, like if the person doesn't has no photo or doesn't have more than one photo. The chances are greater that this could be a fake. On eharmony, I now don't respond to those who wish to jump straight to email without going through some "getting to know you questions" back and forth. Once again, don't rush.

Another thought too is that you really don't know someone until you meet (just ask Manti Te'o ). That's something else to keep in mind.

[David1961]

I know a number of couples that have met on-line, so there are some sincere folks there. Back to the OP's question, I would think most men would eventually want the pen pal correspondence to lead to something else. I would see no harm in emailing, but do not share much information.

[Dash man]

Be aware too that these days it's not hard to find an address online if you are determined to. Keeping your last name private for the first few meetings may be wise.


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[Amethyst]

Doesn't this circle back to the OP's original question: What is the *point* of a distanced relationship, where you are never even going to get to hug the person?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blaineatk It is possible that they were just lonely guys who lacked the confidence to talk to girls in a personal way, face to face. Gaining that relationship online would be their way of being able to reach out to people of the opposite sex without the risk of facing the rejection.

[Meadbh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst Doesn't this circle back to the OP's original question: What is the *point* of a distanced relationship, where you are never even going to get to hug the person?

I have two introverted friends whose relationship started out that way. They have been happily married for more than a decade.

[utrecht]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jIMOh If you are being followed, take 3 straight left turns. No one would ever make 3 straight left turns- one right turn would work just fine...

Or just stop on the side of the road where a person would not normally stop.

[jIMOh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dash man Be aware too that these days it's not hard to find an address online if you are determined to. Keeping your last name private for the first few meetings may be wise. Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

This is why I think meeting earlier is "safer". It is impossible to keep anything private, and it's better to have met someone you can visually identify than to guess which person you shared your first name with, your job with, and knows everything about you, but you don't know it. If I have a first name, job title/occupation and know close to where person works, it is possible I know someone in building, can find them on linked in, facebook or a trade publication. I don't need them to tell me last name to know what it is, and look it up. If a person used their phone number to register their FB profile, and shares their number with me, then I save their number, FB suggests them to me as a friend anyway. Keeping a last name private is not buying anything much these days.

Eharmony asks for a job title for the profile
Tinder uses Facebook, and my job title is part of my public facebook profile

Only about 500-5000 people in the USA have my job title, maybe 20000 if I stretch it. In my city, I am likely one of 50 with that job title. Because I do contract work, my job info is public (it is public on linked in and facebook).

My dating experience also has been I usually have 3-4 degrees of separation from the people I meet. One person I met... our kids had been to the same birthday parties together (with our exes). I looked across from her on the date and said "you are M--k's ex wife" and her jaw hit the floor (the look was priceless).

I have met many many other people dating who had mutual friends of my friends or my friends knew their friends which knew the woman I was on a date with. It is tough to stay anonymous- better to meet over coffee quicker in dating process than text or email for long periods of time.

I learn more about someone after the first or second date than I do before the first date anyway... a person's behavior after a date is more telling of who they are than information about them shared in an email or text.

[Nemo2]

When I 'met' DW we were about 300 miles apart.......as a holdover from my life with my late wife, I was still fulltime RVing and could, if desired, relocate anywhere, so distance was not a factor.

DW, a couple months after initial contact, had to drive past where I was staying for the summer, on the way to her daughter's university graduation.....so we met up and later hooked up.......just over twelve years ago now.