Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Rip j.k.
Old 04-27-2010, 08:19 AM   #1
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
thefed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,203
Rip j.k.

Well, another one bites the dust. This time it is my FIL. He had a double lung transplant in August and has been fighting ever since. He was recovering oh-so-slowly, but had a massive heart attack early Sunday morning.

I was actually there when they decided to stop life support...and i have never witnessed something so horrific.

I feel so bad for MIL and my wife...I dont know what to do.


son of a bitch....this suit I asked you all about last summer is surely getting used...5 funerals and one court case in under a year...not good
__________________

__________________
thefed is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 04-27-2010, 08:24 AM   #2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
RonBoyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 5,280
I am so sorry this is happening to you. My heart goes out to you.
__________________

__________________
"It's tough to make predictions, especially when it involves the future." ~Attributed to many
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps by) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
RonBoyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 02:58 PM   #3
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
thefed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,203
Quote:
Originally Posted by RonBoyd View Post
I am so sorry this is happening to you. My heart goes out to you.

thanks

i have no idea how to handle my wife right now...i cant offer much help as ive thankfully never lost a parent. she is so torn up it- it kills me to see her like this
__________________
thefed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 03:09 PM   #4
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Brat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 5,914
That is so sad. I am not into religious faith very much but you could seek out a Chaplain who is associated with the hospital in which he died for some guidance in how you might help your wife. It may be that he was enrolled in a hospice program, they offer help to the family after the patient passes away.
__________________
Duck bjorn.
Brat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 03:12 PM   #5
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
bbbamI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas 'burb
Posts: 9,039
Wow...you've had a tough time lately. I'm sorry fed.

When my FIL died, my DH was torn up too. I just let his emotions run their course...left him alone when he needed solitude and held him when he came to me.
__________________
There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
bbbamI is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 03:44 PM   #6
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,620
I'm sorry for all these recent losses, thefed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thefed View Post
i have no idea how to handle my wife right now...
Keep your mouth shut and offer lots of hugs.

Usually works for me... and has a very low minefield failure rate.
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 03:58 PM   #7
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 731
My mother died a couple of years ago (at 85), kind of suddenly. We didn't have her on life support at all, but she had a massive stroke (couldn't swallow, paralyzed on one side, but lucid). Within days they found cancer everywhere. It was not a hard decision - let her die from the stroke (with morphine) or let her die much more painfully from the cancer within a few weeks. However, watching her trying to breathe for 10 hours was truly terrible. She literally gasped for breath the whole time, but we kept adding morphine so she was out of it (in the hospital). I know some of what you went through.

So... It took me at least 2 years to get over this at all. I still choke up when I talk about her, but I don't cry too often. Your wife will maybe feel the same way. Someone said to me, it's a hole in your heart that never fills up - and that's about right. It hurts and it's awful and your wife will need a lot of kindness and hugs. When she wants to talk, even if she cries a lot, just let her do it. It will get better over time - mostly the experience of being there isn't so fresh after a while, and you start being able to remember the times before the illness.

The week I spent with her in the hospital (I live 1500 miles away) isn't as vivid as it was - so hold onto that as an outcome. For a long time it was totally vivid.

People advised me to go to grief groups but I chose not to and for me it was the right decision. I understood perfectly what was going on, and I knew only time would make it go away.
__________________
Retired July 2, 2010 at 62. My only regret is that I couldn't do it sooner.
thinker25 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 04:01 PM   #8
Full time employment: Posting here.
My Dream's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 829
Really sorry to hear the fed, one to many funerals are way too many. If only everyone close to us would wait until we're gone first. What's up with that!!!
__________________
Newbie
My Dream is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 04:19 PM   #9
Recycles dryer sheets
winger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 251
Sorry for your loss.

My father died in February, from lung damage caused by cancer, pneumonia and radiation treatment.

The worst part was watching him die of suffocation I wish I hadn't been there that morning to watch.
__________________
winger is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 06:08 PM   #10
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Brat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 5,914
Quote:
Originally Posted by winger View Post
Sorry for your loss.

My father died in February, from lung damage caused by cancer, pneumonia and radiation treatment.

The worst part was watching him die of suffocation I wish I hadn't been there that morning to watch.
Yes, but he received much comfort from your presence.

Dying isn't about the living, it is about providing emotional support for those leaving us.
__________________
Duck bjorn.
Brat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 10:10 PM   #11
gone traveling
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,864
thefed,
Sorry you had to go through this, but your DW and FIL can take comfort in the fact that you were strong enough to see him off to the great beyond. I've been there, it is a very tough thing to do, but it makes you appreciate life all the more. Hang in there, better times lie ahead.
WS
__________________
Westernskies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2010, 06:58 AM   #12
Full time employment: Posting here.
bruce1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Hagersville
Posts: 793
Sorry all this is happening. A friend is a volunteer grief counsellor. Maybe there is something similiar in your area. In the meantime I would follow Nords path but I am very bad at this stuff.
__________________
I wish I was half as good as my dog thinks I am!
bruce1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2010, 01:31 PM   #13
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
thefed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,203
thanks for all the kind words and advice. i am trying to offer as much support as i can....and hugs when i normally wouldnt (i'm not a huggin kinda guy!).

but then i overheard my wife talking to her mom saying 'man, jason is really supportive and he gives me hugs and rubs my back...but i really would just rather grieve with my brother. is that wierd? i feel like he's torn up over this and is coming to me to hug me for himself, not for me."

this is absolutely not the case...


wtf is up with that? 5 years ago we had a meltdown because i wasnt there ENOUGH emptionally after her gma passed.
__________________
thefed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2010, 03:30 PM   #14
Full time employment: Posting here.
antmary's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northern California
Posts: 542
Thefed,
I am so sorry about your loss. I lost my mom in 2005; she was 89. She had a stroke and went into a coma. I made sure that they kept giving her morphine to quell any panic re: breathing. When she left, she was surrounded by all her children, as we sat and prayed for her.

Losses like that take some time to overcome. It has been 5 years, and I still get choked up when I start missing her.
__________________
antmary is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2010, 05:55 PM   #15
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,038
Sorry to hear of your loss.
__________________
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.
Lazarus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2010, 06:51 PM   #16
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
bbbamI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas 'burb
Posts: 9,039
Emotions due to the passing of a loved one are many and some thoughts may be confusing to the one that mourns.

The best advice I have for you is try to be patient. Just give it some time....
__________________
There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
bbbamI is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-01-2010, 08:08 PM   #17
Recycles dryer sheets
Nova's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 270
So sorry to hear of your loss. You are doing the right thing to give hugs, back rubs, listen when she wants to talk, give her space when she needs it, etc. She needs to grieve with her brother and mother...and she needs space to come to terms with her/their loss. She had a hole in her heart right now that no one can fill. Time is really the only thing that will dull the pain she's in right now.

Guys tend to want to "fix" the problem when their DW complains (in this case grieves). Women don't necessarily want you to "fix" anything, they just want you to listen, be in their corner, give a hug, etc...emotional support. It sounds like you are doing that, so just keep doing it. Her comments about it "feeling wierd" is a whole lot better than complaining that you are a cold SOB who doesn't care. BTW, you could let her know that your heart is a little freyed around the edges and that you are struggling with FIL's death, too.

I wish all of you the best, and hope that good memories of FIL will crowd out the feelings of loss.
__________________
Nova is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2010, 05:05 AM   #18
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 5,072
Sorry about the loss. Sometimes, there are not adequate words... it just takes time to work through the grieving process.


Your DW's comments. Just let it ride and discuss it in a few months when she has worked past the emotion.

At that time, tell her that you were trying to be supportive.
__________________
chinaco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2010, 04:33 PM   #19
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
thefed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,203
thanks guys9and gals)
__________________
thefed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2010, 04:38 PM   #20
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
FinanceDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 12,484
Tell her you miss him too, and tell her you'll be there for her no matter what. She'll appreciate that, maybe not now, but someday........

My sister has been gone almost 4 years and I still am sad about it..............we were as close as a brother and sister can be.........
__________________

__________________
Consult with your own advisor or representative. My thoughts should not be construed as investment advice. Past performance is no guarantee of future results (love that one).......:)


This Thread is USELESS without pics.........:)
FinanceDude is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
RIP k.b thefed Other topics 15 04-16-2010 02:38 PM
RIP Robert White REWahoo Other topics 11 03-26-2010 01:50 AM
Let's rip on Suze! Payin-the-Toll FIRE and Money 30 10-10-2007 12:15 PM
Why does the US military rip off its own people? bpp Other topics 5 08-02-2006 07:23 PM
Six Feet Under. RIP. tozz Other topics 2 08-22-2005 10:14 AM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:27 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.